I feel myself like a Tumor on the body of human society

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Zan, Dec 4, 2014.

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  1. Zan

    Zan Member


    I'm new on this forum. English is not my native language, so please forgive my grammar mistakes.
    I'm a 28 year old male. I still live with my parents and I'm unemployed. I have zero friends, no girlfriend. I have a Master degree in Environmental Science. Okay, I got it, its not a valuable degree and I screwed up my life choosing this. I have a good explanation for choosing this major however: When I was younger I had a dream beeing part of research projects to make this world a better, more sustainable and a happier place. I failed. The world doesn't need me. I realized the terrible truth: The world only needs engineers, meds, economic majors, programmers.

    Okay, I accepted all those facts above after a few months. I started to look for a job slightly outside my field (EHS, lab technician, analytical assistant and so on). I had two interviews, I screwed them up terribly. Okay I accepted this fact too. Now, I'm looking for any job (even manual jobs like in factories). No answer. I realized what the problem is: I'm very-very shy, terribly bad at self marketing, holding speeches and generally: doing this interview HR stuff what job market requires me to do nowadays. I am a very rational, logical person however, I can take a lot before giving up. I make plans, plan B, plan C etc... I even learned two programming languages by myself but companies don't even cosider hiring me because my degree is not in the field of IT.

    Looking back at my life I see one thing: The world doesn't need me. The world doesn't want to give me anything at all. The world only needs me, when it can get money in the process (my parents money, mostly) like feeding me and keeping me alive. But when it comes to my skills and my employment the world turns its back to me. As I said I dont have friends -anymore. Because my ex-friends have their own place to live, family, wife, girlfriends and kids (yes they have choosen wisely and studied IT, economics and marketing, not science) and they abandoned me. My sister, who is a very successful person always makes fun of me. My parents are mocking me for my unemployment, and they laugh when I say I have depression. Their reason is "Oh please, a 28 year old person cant have depression. you are just sad!".

    Now here I am. I ran out of plans. I have no idea what to do. Literally. I'm sitting on my bloody chair and I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT SHOULD I DO. Imagine the feeling. Nothing more come in my mind to change my situation. Nothing makes me happy anymore. I dont even know what the world means.

    I seriously think killing myself is the only solution left. I'm already looking for a method which can preserve my organs nice and safely and a way donating them for more useful people than me.
    Maybe you think my writing is cold and lacks sorrow for a seriously suicidal person, but this really seems to be the end of the line for me.

    I would gladly take any idea to change the situation. I really want to make killing myself the last solution, so please tell me a way, tell me SOMETHING to keep goind, and I'm not talking about something like "Oh it will be bettter dont worry!".
  2. Donnanobispacem

    Donnanobispacem Well-Known Member

    Sometimes the people closest to us don't get it and maybe even can't take it. Many 28 year olds are in the same boat, and my son said to me recently 'I'll be the generation who has no future', which makes me sad. The big corporations are systematically robbing various sectors of the population of their hope for the future.

    The world is changing, when I grew up the insecurities we had were was there going to be a nuclear war...I remember thinking what's the point too.

    I'm glad I didn't kill myself though, since then and a few false starts and a lot of illness I have had a lot of good memories, raising my son, making a career, travelling, meeting interesting people, volunteering.

    Glad you are here, and you probably need people to talk to who won't tease you about your concerns. I can talk to my sister, but no one else in my family really understands.

    Take care.
  3. Marga

    Marga Active Member

    Hi Zan,
    I am sorry you are feeling like this. I understand what it feels like to have no purpose in life, to feel like you are completely useless. I had a lot of motivation and purpose in life until my relationship broke down recently, which sent in a downward spiral of anxiety and depression...
    I know that when one feels this way, almost any advice or encouraging words people give you seem just empty talk. But anyway...
    I really think it is great that you studied environmental science. And it is wonderful that you wanted to make this world a better place. Not everyone wants that. You regret that you didn't study IT, economics ... You know what? I have a friend who works in IT and he just hates his job and would want to study exactly the subject you studied. And you have a Master's - that's an achievement. I actually think the world does need people like you, because if everyone just worked in IT and didn't care about the environment it wouldn't lead to anything good. I can imagine that it is difficult to get a job in your area of specialization. How about any possibility of work for NGOs? Some volunteer work maybe? Even if it doesn't earn you a living, it could be a start and it could open up other opportunities for you. You could also meet some people who have same views as you and make friends. If you get into new environment it could help improve your state of mind in general. In my experience, it has always helped me a little bit.
    You shouldn't listen to the people who are mocking you. They can't imagine how difficult it is to deal with depression. Have you considered therapy for example? It might help you. Or some advice /classes about how to prepare for a job interview. Don't underestimate yourself. You say you learned two programming languages, you are a rational person. And your English is also very good. These are all good assets. So it's more about the marketing side, as you wrote. So some training in this respect might be a good idea.
    I don't know if this is of any help, but just to give you some ideas..
    Don't give up and good luck! There is nothing you can lose, you are still very young, some good opportunity might show up and it could change your life completely.
    Také care.:)
  4. Bart

    Bart Banned Member

    Hi Zan, and welcome to SF. I do not think your post was cold - it was deeply moving (to me). Hopefully as you explore here and in chat you may be able to unlock some inner resources you did not know you had.

    SF is a great place where you can take stock of your situation and formulate a 'living plan'.
  5. Zan

    Zan Member

    Thank you for your replies. I got a few warm words up there from you. They really helped. Unfortunetly here, in my country (Hungary) volunteering doesn't work out because companies think like "someone willing to work for free has to be a crappy workforce/person/alcoholic/deviant/etc" and they wont hire you at all. Its very rare, almost harder to find volunteer work than a real job. I'm keep trying tho (no response yet). I considered a therapy, but its expensive and without a paying job I cant afford it. And there is no free service in the field. It was good to read that someone thinks my field of study is interesting and useful, because I always get the opposite (mostly: "no engineering? hahaha").

    I will keep going for now, your posts gave me some strenght. Let's see what January got for me. I have to get tru a hard Christmas tho, and a lonely New Years eve. Those are the worst...
  6. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    It's cool that you have a masters. Volunteer work attitude in your country is interesting. If you're thinking of community service it's a different thing because a judge ordered the free work. Two different views.
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