I feel obligated to at least utter more cry for help.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by partofme, Oct 28, 2010.

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  1. partofme

    partofme New Member

    I feel obligated to at least utter one cry for help.

    The first time I wrote this I wrote everything that was wrong with my life first. Then I wondered if I should even mention what I'm about to say. After sleeping on it, I've decided...maybe...I should start with this.

    I think I'm addicted to porn. I say I think because I'm also just addicted to anything that distracts me from my atrocious life, my own inadequacies, and my inability to get motivated.

    I've been looking at it since I was 13 or 14. I'm now 29. I'm not proud of it. I've never been able to rationalize it into something that's my right to do or something that's okay. It's just something I do that I don't like.

    The popular belief is that everything bad in the life of an addicted person can be traced back to the addiction. I don't know that I buy that. It's just too easy. My life sucked before my addiction, for as long as I can remember. And yet, in my first draft of this post I tried to protect the fact by listing everything else that's wrong with my life first. The fact that I tried to protect this one thing made me wait and consider.

    And I do need it. If I don't do it a dark feeling falls on. A very heavy dark feeling of awful hopeless depression. It highlights what a loveless endeavor my life is. When I do do it I get a nice glow that lasts several hours afterward that helps me deal. But I think it might also gut my empathy. I hate everyone. I hate them for being normal and happy and capable of doing what they want. I hate them for thinking I'm the same when I'm not. I hate them because I know if they knew what I really was they would despise or pity me.

    I don't believe in programs. I've never seen any evidence that they work or produce the kind of people I can respect. My first therapist dumped me when I told her I thought I was addicted to porn. She tried to refer me. But it was hard enough to admit it to one person, now she wanted me to admit it to a total stranger. It just didn't happen. Plus it was a man and frankly I hate men, especially older men. If you've seen Mad Men, when the women go to their doctors the doctors always treat them like children. I feel like men do that to me (I'm a man). Honestly, I am almost incapable of taking the advice of a man. I hated my father, and never did anything he told me and it seems to have carried over to any other man, unless he's obviously taking direction from a woman. I listen to my boss's boyfriend because I know it will please her...jesus...I'm messed up.

    My father was manipulative. He would beat around the bush and try to shift my opinions of things or nudge me in a direction, and that's how I learned to never trust a damn thing that came out of his mouth. If I did trust him I didn't know where I'd end up because the goal never seemed clear. I hate him for that. And of course you could never confront him about anything because he was never doing what you accused him of. If you told him he was being mean he would deny any awareness of it. I think he's a snake. A survivor. A trickster who vaguely cares about others, but really only ever acts on his own behalf. And I think I'm just like him. I hate him for that too.

    I don't trust older professional men because I think they're trying to control me. But I'm such a piece of s*** that if they did try to tell me what to do it wouldn't be any worse than what I'm already doing.

    This all adds up to my life. A life of "can't". If I wrote a note today it would say "I can't...anything. And that's why."

    I can't change. I can't move in a direction. I am physically and mentally capable of so much but my character always invariably fails me. I tried to move to Korea to teach English but every interview I blew horribly. The last time few times I've talked to a woman I was interested in I sweat and rambled, the whole time knowing I was doing it, knowing I was capable of having a normal interaction but failing to completely. I haven't been in a relationship in 5 years because I know I'm piece of s*** and wouldn't want to impose my sh***iness on anyone else. I know they'd see through me. See there's nothing here that's salvageable.

    So I can continue in this way or I can't skip to the end.

    TweetVer: I'm a 29 year old PoS porn addict that can't do anything and would like to just get this over with.

    Apologies to people with real problems.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 28, 2010
  2. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Re: I feel obligated to at least utter one cry for help.

    I'm not sure that I'm the person to reply to this since I'm in the middle of writing suicide notes but I seem to have an addiction to trying to help other people so I can't resist.
    Firstly, addiction to porn? I don't understand why that's a problem. Apart from the addiction bit that is. Unless you're into porn with with children in which case you do need to seek help.
    I can't see that there's any issue with watching porn. Porn between consenting adults is fine in my opinion and enjoying it is nothing to be ashamed of. Sexual enjoyment is a perfectly natural thing. If you don't believe me, go on amazon and look up Women's Erotica. Theres a huge market in books for women which are nothing but porn from start to finish. Since they're aimed at women, there's usually romance in there too which presumably makes it more acceptable. Of course it's printed media and not film media but I think that's just because no one makes porn films featuring romance. Either way, enjoying porn is not a problem, go ahead and do it!
    As for the therapist who tried to refer you on, she should be struck off. What's she doing in a profession like that when she's so judgemental. I feel sorry for the people she's undoubtedly screwed up over the years.
    Your real problems stem from your father and your relationship with him and that's what you need to work on. He sounds like some sort of sociopath and I'm really sorry that you got a father like that. Its one of those 'shit happens' situations though and now you need to 'unlearn' all the behaviour patterns it taught you. Loads of people have crap parents, some people have parents who didn't mean to be crap but were anyway. You have the choice to learn from it and grow from the experience. Which is a lot easier said than done I know.
    Anyway, ignore me if I'm not making sense. I hope things get better for you and that something I've said strikes a chord. For the record, I'm female and 45 years old and between you and me, my husband and I like porn too :)
  3. partofme

    partofme New Member

    I was worried this might be a response so let me be clear. I'm not sure it matters that its porn. It could be heroin or crack and it would be the same thing. I don't use porn "recreationally". I use it like an alcoholic uses liquor. I'm so "good" at using it that the gratification I get from it is much more intense than the gratification I get from being with another person.

    It's my go-to place when I'm stressed. But it's also my go-to place when I worry I might get stressed. Some days when I don't even feel the need to do it I still do it because I know if I don't that black feeling will come.

    I'm not knocking porn any more than I'd knock alcohol. Alcohol is great. But it can become the tool of addiction. That's where I think I am with porn. Plus, in general, I live in a place where maybe <1 in 100 women share your view of porn and the rest land somewhere on the negative end of thinking its kinda bad to thinking it's tantamount to adultery.

    And you're right about my father. If my father had been different my life would be much different. Everything I know says I'm supposed to somehow develop a relationship of mutual respect but it's impossible. He doesn't know how to respect someone. So I've had to settle for waiting on him to die or die myself.

    I just wish for once I knew what to do. I wish I knew what I wanted. I know I want out. As I am now and have been forever I'm useless. Dying seems as logical as any other option.

    I've tried thinking my way out. That failed repeatedly. I've tried taking action but I'm fundamentally incapable of carrying out a goal more complex than paying the bills. Anything beyond subsisting and I fall flat on my face. Try painting on a regular basis. Fail. Try writing on a regular basis. Fail. Try drawing, practicing guitar, studying for the GRE on a regular schedule; Fail Fail Fail.

    Something inside me is truly broken. The thing that's supposed to act as a center doesn't work. It never did. So I hate. I hate everyone that "can" because I "can't" and they don't want to know that. They think I'm like them but just need to find my "thing". I've tried everything and every "thing." Nothing works.
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    There are many bases for obsessions...it seems it would be helpful to see how you relate to the things you are doing, what they provide for you and how other things, more acceptable to you can replace them...please continue to find help that would be successful for you...big hugs, J
  5. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Okay, so it's not the porn per se but the addiction that you're worried about. That's good, addiction is a lot easier to handle than deep seated fear of sex/being told sex is wrong or dirty etc etc. That stuff really screws you up. Addictions can be cured. (Though it's not easy, needless to say)

    Then you've recognised an escape valve. That's a good thing. You even know that its not just an escape valve but something that will help reduce the need to have an escape valve in the first place. That's even better. You know that you have to do something to prevent the black feelings.

    There's a difference though, isn't there between porn and alcohol? (Or other drugs obviously) Alcohol and drugs have severe effects on your health, your mental functioning. They make you behave in ways that can be dangerous. Porn doesn't do any of that. The Church make have spent centuries trying to convince us all that certain actions will send us blind but we all know that's not true. :biggrin:

    You're not using porn because you're addicted, you're using it as self medication. Unlike alcohol and drugs, this self medication isn't growing to mess with your physical health so I don't think you need to worry about it to the degree that you are.
    You do need to think about the self medication bit though. Why are you self medicating?

    Any chance you can move or is it totally impractical? If it is inpractical then you're going to have to take a long look at all those women and think 'how very sad' because they're not worth any other thought. Luckily you don't actually have to announce to them that you watch porn, so that's a good thing.
    Also, why would you settle for a 99 out of 100 woman, when you can go for the 1 in a 100.
    Don't live your life in accordance with other peoples hang ups. It's really not worth the bother, you'll never please them anyway.

    You can take this one back for generations. If your father's father had been different, his life would have been different and he would have been different, etc etc. We can't change who our parents are. We can change who we are.

    Okay, how are you supposed to develop a relationship of mutual respect? That's impossible. Mutual requires two people and in all honesty, your father isn't up to it. The most you can do here is respect the fact that he is the way he is and that may not be his fault. You can respect the fact that he clearly has an intelligent and sensitive son. You can respect the fact that he paid bills/kept a roof over your head etc (if he did do that) but you will never ever develop a 'mutual' respect. You might as well stop trying now.
    Your father sounds a lot like mine and I can assure you of one thing right now...You are nothing like your father.
    The man you've described wouldn't have the conscience and sensitivity that you've shown in your post. He wouldn't be worrying over how to develop a relationship of mutual respect with his son. I can safely promise you that you're nothing like him at all. Nor do you need to wait for him to die. You can get on with your life and not let him rule it anymore.

    I so know where you're coming from on this. Try to remember that this bit is the illness talking and nothing else. When you're ill, you don't know what to do. You don't know what you want. You don't know how to get out of it either. That's what makes these illnesses so devastating for those of us who suffer from them. We can't help ourselves when it's really bad, the most we can hope for is to ride it out. Plus, you're not useless. Lots of people are reading this thread and recognising bits of themselves in it. They're seeing stuff about themselves that you've brought to their attention just by talking of your own experience. That's not useless, that's really good.

    You can pay bills? Wow, you're one up on me. I can't even open the letters. My husband has to do it all. When you're in a major depression (and you are), it's almost impossible to get out of bed let alone do anything else. Every person on this site will have a long list of things that they've failed at. I know that I have. (Funnily enough mine include painting/drawing/guitar/writing too) I don't know what a GRE is though so perhaps someone could explain?
    We all fail. Then sometimes we do okay for awhile and then we fail again. It's not a crime to fail and if nothing else it shows that we at least try.
    I've come to the conclusion that not all of us can achieve things. Those of us with mental health issues are doing great just to stay alive. We shouldn't be expected to become experts at anything else.

    You have an illness. It's a devastating illness. It's an illness that kills people. So I guess in a way something inside you is broken. That doesn't make you a bad person, it doesn't make you a less valid person and it doesn't mean that you don't have the right to a life. If you saw a paraplegic would you say 'something broken' and dismiss them out of hand? Don't treat yourself that way either.

    You can't possibly have tried every 'thing', you're only 29. Plus how do you know that you don't just need to find your 'thing'. Perhaps your 'thing' is something that won't happen until you're much older. Perhaps you need a lot more life experience before you can find it. Perhaps you're come to realise that you don't actually need a 'thing' after all. You can be you anyway.
    As for hate...hate is a very strong word. You should really save that emotion for things like world poverty, injustice, child abuse etc. You shouldn't aim it at people. Yes they can do things that you can't do but then you can do stuff other people can't do. You can see and there are a lot of blind people who can't. Should they hate you for having sight?
    Other people may look okay but I can guarantee that they've all got their own hang ups and issues. You don't know what's going on inside them any more than they know what's going on inside you.

    You know what? You're a really intelligent sensitive person. The world needs people like you. Hang in and get through the gloom as best as you can.
    Sorry for rambling endlessly, feel free to ignore me. I just don't want you to feel alone.
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