I feel obligated to at least utter one cry for help. The first time I wrote this I wrote everything that was wrong with my life first. Then I wondered if I should even mention what I'm about to say. After sleeping on it, I've decided...maybe...I should start with this. I think I'm addicted to porn. I say I think because I'm also just addicted to anything that distracts me from my atrocious life, my own inadequacies, and my inability to get motivated. I've been looking at it since I was 13 or 14. I'm now 29. I'm not proud of it. I've never been able to rationalize it into something that's my right to do or something that's okay. It's just something I do that I don't like. The popular belief is that everything bad in the life of an addicted person can be traced back to the addiction. I don't know that I buy that. It's just too easy. My life sucked before my addiction, for as long as I can remember. And yet, in my first draft of this post I tried to protect the fact by listing everything else that's wrong with my life first. The fact that I tried to protect this one thing made me wait and consider. And I do need it. If I don't do it a dark feeling falls on. A very heavy dark feeling of awful hopeless depression. It highlights what a loveless endeavor my life is. When I do do it I get a nice glow that lasts several hours afterward that helps me deal. But I think it might also gut my empathy. I hate everyone. I hate them for being normal and happy and capable of doing what they want. I hate them for thinking I'm the same when I'm not. I hate them because I know if they knew what I really was they would despise or pity me. I don't believe in programs. I've never seen any evidence that they work or produce the kind of people I can respect. My first therapist dumped me when I told her I thought I was addicted to porn. She tried to refer me. But it was hard enough to admit it to one person, now she wanted me to admit it to a total stranger. It just didn't happen. Plus it was a man and frankly I hate men, especially older men. If you've seen Mad Men, when the women go to their doctors the doctors always treat them like children. I feel like men do that to me (I'm a man). Honestly, I am almost incapable of taking the advice of a man. I hated my father, and never did anything he told me and it seems to have carried over to any other man, unless he's obviously taking direction from a woman. I listen to my boss's boyfriend because I know it will please her...jesus...I'm messed up. My father was manipulative. He would beat around the bush and try to shift my opinions of things or nudge me in a direction, and that's how I learned to never trust a damn thing that came out of his mouth. If I did trust him I didn't know where I'd end up because the goal never seemed clear. I hate him for that. And of course you could never confront him about anything because he was never doing what you accused him of. If you told him he was being mean he would deny any awareness of it. I think he's a snake. A survivor. A trickster who vaguely cares about others, but really only ever acts on his own behalf. And I think I'm just like him. I hate him for that too. I don't trust older professional men because I think they're trying to control me. But I'm such a piece of s*** that if they did try to tell me what to do it wouldn't be any worse than what I'm already doing. This all adds up to my life. A life of "can't". If I wrote a note today it would say "I can't...anything. And that's why." I can't change. I can't move in a direction. I am physically and mentally capable of so much but my character always invariably fails me. I tried to move to Korea to teach English but every interview I blew horribly. The last time few times I've talked to a woman I was interested in I sweat and rambled, the whole time knowing I was doing it, knowing I was capable of having a normal interaction but failing to completely. I haven't been in a relationship in 5 years because I know I'm piece of s*** and wouldn't want to impose my sh***iness on anyone else. I know they'd see through me. See there's nothing here that's salvageable. So I can continue in this way or I can't skip to the end. TweetVer: I'm a 29 year old PoS porn addict that can't do anything and would like to just get this over with. Apologies to people with real problems.