I feel odd about this...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by skriblzz, Jun 8, 2010.

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  1. skriblzz

    skriblzz New Member

    Hello. This is something that I never expected to seek help for. But let me get it all out. It's going to be a long read, so I apologize in advance.

    Basically how this feeling of regret and despair happened is this:

    May 27th I broke up with my girlfriend of two years. (I know, it's a broken heart suicide crisis, but there's more here) The relationship we held was phenomenal, everyone was jealous, everyone saw our connection. We were usually always happy beyond your normal measurements. We both despise smoking, drinking, drugs, all of that. Her parents adore me, my mom adores her. Even her mother told me that no matter what I am her son, which broke my heart even more during all of this. Let me also clear things up, we started dating when I was 17 and she was 15. Anyways, the last 6 months of our relationship I for some unforeseen reason became a real prude. I would randomly take things out on her, causing her to do the same to me. I was just wrongfully taking things out on her. I now know the reason I did those things is because I was unhappy with myself at that point in my life. I had no job, no car, no license, I was in college, but I mean barely scraping by. I loathed myself, but I took it out on her and denied my own problems. It was a really heartless thing to do. Prior to those 6 months we were insanely in love. I mean I breathed for this girl, any ambition in my life was for her. She's a type one diabetic and all I wanted to do was obtain a job with insanely good medical to take care of her. All I wanted to do was take care of her and start a life with her. I love everything about her, even the things she hates about herself. She did the same for me, until things started going downhill.

    Basically on May 27th we were in a fight, for my own stupid remarks. And it came out and ended. After that I figured out too late that "Whoops, I screwed up too much!" Since that we have talked and it came down to her saying that she could never be with me again, that I screwed it up too much and she knows she will never be in love with me again. I kept trying to reassure her, but with what right at this point do I have? I screwed up the happiest thing in my life, big time. I mean before those 6 months I treated her like royalty, pointless gifts, always telling her she was beautiful, everything and anything. But I just screwed it up at that point. I love her dearly, but I was trying to fix this when she needed space from me most, and I figure that is kaput now.

    My regret I hold is too hard for me to forget. This person meant the world to me, and I meant to world to her. I broke her trust, and I can never earn it back. I'm never going to allow myself to forget this burden, it's going to haunt me. Every morning I wake up in total despair, I can't eat at all, I've only ever cried for this girl, but now I am back to not being able to cry. I have had suicidal thoughts growing up before, but never to this degree. All those once vibrant colors are now at a colorless hue. I am afraid that I can never be happy again, I'm afraid that I will never find someone like that again... I'm so afraid. This is not something that I ever do, either. I'm usually a really happy and funny guy. But these past (almost) two weeks I just hate myself. I keep looking at life and when I think of death I actually start cheering up. I'm a guy who all he wants is to have a family that I can give them what they deserve: everything. It's so hard moving on with life at this point, never being able to be with that person, never feeling like I want anyone else or can have anyone else.

    Right now I am basically at an awkward point in my life. I guess I am good looking, but I am a shy guy. I am EXTREMELY unique, most people put me off to the side of an average Joe line-up just by looking at me. I just don't see any happiness of that sort coming back into my life. I have been looking at life from a different perspective now. I am thinking that it just isn't for everyone? Maybe I just am not to really be apart of it and that's that. I mean, I love being in love and I love taking care of a person, when I got stripped of this one in particular I just lost it all. Me feeling like this is not normal. I'd never think I would ever seek help for suicidal thoughts. But at this point, I just don't get the point of living anymore. Yes, I have friends and family, and even my ex would be crushed to no point, but call me selfish, which I deserve, it's not their concern. It's my life, and my choice. Why not see it as liberation from my own regret?

    Thanks for reading.
    Not to offend anyone, but I am not religious nor believe in a God of any sort, so please refrain from any of that. :X
    Oh, and I don't have any insurance or anything to get meds or seek therapy.

    -Tim
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 9, 2010
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Why don't you focus that energy into your schooling.. Maybe once that she sees that you are putting forth the effort to improve your self she will change her mind.. You have to love yourself first before others can love you..Suicide is not the answer to this..Stay in contact with her just as a friend.. Once she sees the change in you and that you really care, She will open up to you again..If not you are still young and will find someone else eventually.. Girls in college are alot more independant andmore mature..I'm a firm beleiver that there is someone for everyone.. Take care..
     
  3. houseofcards

    houseofcards Well-Known Member

    This is one of the few situations I can relate to, except I was the girlfriend in your relationship - but in your shoes (sort of). I was with my boyfriend for 2 years and I guess I just lost control of everything and lost him in the process.
    I revolved my entire life around him and moved my schedule around just so I could have time to do stuff with him. Like stranger1 said though, don't just give up. Right now it might seem like she wants more and more space from you, give it to her. She will definitely start going back once she sees that you have control of your life - you just need to do your part and try your best at it.

    Try your best to keep a positive attitude, try your best to live one day at a time. Anything can happen as long as you have the time and dedication for it. If you need anyone to talk to, you can PM me! Like I said, I can kind of relate to your situation and it's always good to talk to someone who can somewhat share the same kind of feelings.
     
  4. skriblzz

    skriblzz New Member

    Both of you make good points, I hope those are the cases...
     
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