I Feel Sick

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TestForEcho, Apr 18, 2007.

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  1. TestForEcho

    TestForEcho Member

    I'm healthy. It's not that kind of sickness. It's been lasting the past few days. My heart hurts, my stomache hurts, my eyes hurt, my head hurts, and the more I think about my life the worse it gets. And now that I lost the only person that mattered to me, it won't go away. I have no friends, no life, no, job, no money, when I did go to school people pushed me around and the teachers did nothing and I was always told to obey and submit to everyone and everything would be fine. Now it's gotten me here. I know I have problems. Suicide, homicidal urges, mild OCD, partial schizophrenia, seeing things that aren't there, talking to things that aren't there and I'm an ex-self injurer. Why did I SI? To hold back my homicidal urges.

    1) Doctor: No, because they'd give me anti-depressants.
    2) Shrink: No because they'd do the same and or lock me up.

    I just don't care anymore about anything. I watch animals being skinned alive the other day and I didn't even care about that. All I feel is empty and hate 24/7 and it's destroying me from the inside. THIS is why I feel sick.

    How do I make it go away? I thought I knew this feeling before but this is way worse. I feel like I want to vomit but I don't. I know I'm broken but what can I do to fix it? Am I stuck like this? Will my body destroy itself more and more over time?
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 18, 2007
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Doctors won't necessarily give you anti-deps, they might suggest them as a course of action, but not force them on you. They might also suggest therapy and/or exercise.

    A therapist will probably not lock you up, they will try to help you work through your pain. A psych will be similar. Hospitalisation comes as a last resort and if you go to them for help, it is unlikely to occur, at least at the outset anyway.

    How have you got those diagnoses of OCD, etc, if you have not seen a doctor?

    Maybe you could try and make a spider diagram of all the things you feel need solving in life, ie getting more friends, getting a job, etc, and then off of those maybe write the ways you can achieve them, ie, to make more friends try joining support groups or clubs, etc.

    Hang in there and take care
  3. TestForEcho

    TestForEcho Member

    I don't trust doctors. I've learned too much toever go to one unless I'm in a car wrek or something. Besides my problem is less physical as it is mental.

    I don't trust shrinks or really ANYONE for that matter. Besides, it's not like anyone understands.

    I know the symtpoms and definition. It's mild. There are certain things I have to do evenly or multiple times or said area starts to hurt. Doing them brings relief. Turning off the fausset twice every time. If I touch a finger I have to do all of them in a pattern. Things like that.

    There's two problems. 1: I'm financially dependent on my parents whome scared me into living in my room 24/7 as a child (I know their wrong now). And they'll call the cops on me and lie or kick me out on the street, or throw my things away if I try to leave. 2: The questions I need solved about life only spawn a series of exponential questions. I see no way oout of my situation. Even death is hard. While there are many ways to do so my only option is a razor but I know it's not going to work. So I'm just stuck... Here, brewing more every day.
  4. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Ok, everyone has OCD tendencies, but I believe that the formal diagnosis comes when they take over three hours of your day and cause distress. And with seeing things, that is not necessarily schizophrenia, many things can cause halluncinations, like depression, personality disorders, psychosis, etc.

    Self diagnosis is never sensible because it is common for the brain to subconsciously morph the symptoms to fit the criteria for that diagnosis, which can mask the actual problem and symptoms.

    There are always ways out of problems, but you won't ever get out of a problem or situation, unless you try. Maybe you could list on here the situations in your life that you feel need changing and maybe people on here could suggest ways to do that.

    I'm sorry that you suffered such abuse as a child, that must have been awful for you. You don't have to be dependent on them. It won't be easy, but fi you got a job you could become independent with time.

    Keep fighting.
  5. TestForEcho

    TestForEcho Member

    MILD OCD isn't my problem it's just a little annoying. It's nothing compared to others. I thought I mentioned it but in re-reading my post I see I didn't. Yes I see things, but a lot of times I have full on conversations with these things. I've drawn thm a few times for my data archive (who I am in one file). They gave me the idea to SI, they tell me all kinds of shit sometimes they predict things before they happen. Sometimes they scream or insult on and on and on. The only comfert is that I have something to talk to. And I'm not depressed. I don't cry, I either feel hate or nothing. SOMETIMES humor if I see something funny.

    Personally I don't care what doctors and shrinks say as they don't even know these disorders themselves. They don't understand them nor can they help. I'm not stupid, I don't think I have ADD because I ate a bowle of sugar. I know what is and isn't. This is what THEY would call them. I personally don't care what it's called, I mentioned it for you all.

    I've tried that. Here, there, everwhere. With people I thought cared about me and no one can give me a good answer. "Call the police on them" or "Go to the hospital" are the two answers everyone gives. I don't want help with that as there is no answer and there hasn't been for the past 7 years! I just want to know how to make this sick feeling go away.

    I don't know my social I haven't been out of the house in 7 years I have no friends or family to live with. They own and control me. If I disobey they'll do the things I mentioned. I don't know how to drive, I've never had a relationship or went to school past 8th grade, I've never had a job. And if I added all the money secretly taken from me it would be $11,400 something. If I stand up for myself they hit/push me around, and if I push back they say they'll call the cops. I don't bruise my step mother does. All she needs is to tell the cops that "this strong boy hit me, a poor weak woman".

    I JUST want to know how to make this sick feeling GO AWAY! I hate this vomiting feeling. Like I drank a bottle of oil.
  6. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry, I didn't mean to antagonise you.

    Maybe you could try sips of water, or sucking mints, or mint tea. Those are the thigns I do when I feel sick.

    I'm sorry if you feel I wasted your time.

    Take care of yourself
  7. TestForEcho

    TestForEcho Member

    I've tried water. I don't really have anything mint...

    No I understand you want to help but some problems don't have solutions unless you break the rules. Like "How do you find the last number of pi?"
  8. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    the last number of pi? Well, you keep on looking and looking and looking for it. If you want it enough you will never give up.
  9. TestForEcho

    TestForEcho Member

    The sick feeling lightened up a little but returned in full force tonight. GOD DAMN IT! How can you people live in this world? This is mass madness you maniacs! Don't you understand? They don't care about you, me or anyone else! They kill us off in huge numbers and tell us it's "for our own good". I can't take these people anymore but I don't know what to do! I have no options, no choice, no life, nothing. I'm a FUCKING HUMAN BEING SHOULDN'T MY LIFE HAVE A LITTLE FUCKING VALUE?!

    But no it doesn't. 1 bacterium among billions. Floating on a spinning ball of dirt orbiting 1 sun among trillions. WHY DOESN'T LIFE HAVE VALUE?! WHY IS THEIR NO JUDGEMENT?! Is it to give us freedom?! I understand creation but existence has no point! What am I going to do?! Sit here and go more and more insane writing my little documents for my archive all for the day I find a crude way of destroying this shell? Would I kill those around me?! No one has answers. I've tried to get help for years, no one knows or understands or can see what I do. Those that can turn up dead like Sebastian Bosse.

    I just want answers... Even if it spawns a paradox of exponential questions. HELP ME! Isn't there ANYONE in this STUPID STUPID STUPID filthy world that sees as my mind and eyes do?!
  10. Viper

    Viper Well-Known Member

    I feel just like you testforecho. I don't trust doctors either. I'm sorry you are in pain. If you really are feeling like how I am, then it will never go away. It may reduce a little or even get worse. I wish there was something I could do. But I would probably fix me up first because I am selfish like that.
  11. TestForEcho

    TestForEcho Member

    So then I'm just stuck? Here?! In this room while this feeling builds more and more? Well that's just fucking great!

    That's not even fair at all. More proof the game is rigged!
  12. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    There are options for you to try, but you already know what they are. Maybe one day you will find the courage to try them. I hope you do. (and by options I don't mean suicide, I mean the things that I and others have suggested that you could do to help things get better IN life, not end it).
  13. TestForEcho

    TestForEcho Member

    COURAGE?! WHAT YOU THINK I'M THE FUCKING LION IN THE FUCKING WIZARD OF OZ?! It's THESE arrogant, condescending statements that prove that there's no shortage of people who think they know you that they understand you and what you see and just think they have the perfect answer to everything!
  14. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I don't think I have the perfect answers, I don't think things are easy for you and I don't claim to know you. I also certainly did not mean to upset you.

    All I meant was that how you have been forced to live is awful, and I hope one day you can break away from that.

    I did not mean to cause offence, so I do apologise.

    I am sorry for that.
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