i feel so abandoned by normality

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by patacake, Aug 5, 2008.

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  1. patacake

    patacake Well-Known Member

    i dont know why im writing this , after i ve done it ill regret the little bit ive shared , its always the same , i do just feel that everything that was normal for me say 3 years ago is gone. I feel lost and numb half the time , it doesnt seem atall like it will change , i feel no security no stability , everything feels rocky underfoot .

    Every day i find a new reason to cry , im actually sick of my own tears , yet i feel emotion for anyone elses .

    I find it frustrating that i couldnt have liked myself just a little along the way , enough maybe to have been kinder to myself and allowed my life to have been different. Even now im continually finding reasons why things should nt work out or im thinking of how i will feel when everything goes wrong and im honestly not a miserable person by nature , im not even a pessimist.

    I should have cared enough to have allowed my marriage to end years ago but then that was about trying to hold on , be loyal and make things work for the kids no matter how hopeless everything was. :sad:

    i am staring blankly into the future now wondering if its worth hoping things will get better , i dont need to be told im lucky , i know it that just adds to the guilt of feeling so hopeless . I am lucky to have been blessed with 4 beautiful children whom i adore and who are still able to make me shine . They make life worth it.

    Im sorry i dont know what the point of this was , i just feel lonely and sad , surrounded by ppl and yet alone , i feel like ive failed miserably and let myself down in many ways , there are ppl i want to be there for and will be , i know for this ill command the strength and in its own strange way this enables a bit of me to emerge from the empty place im in .

    I still feel love too despite feeling almost stripped of all emotion , i have somone special in my life and a close circle of very special friends for whom i feel admiration and fondness , how can i hold so much regard for these ppl and feel so empty at the same time , i dunno? maybe my head just got too full and burst to save itself .

    sorry to be so erratic and nonsensical

    keep well everyone

  2. DrowningInTears

    DrowningInTears Well-Known Member

    hugglez patakake. i dont kno how to give u any advice as ive nevar had kids or a spouse or even dated. i just want to send u my love and huggles :hug:
  3. diver200

    diver200 Senior Member

    I know how you are feeling, hun. It does help to just randomly put it all into writing, so don't beat yourself up. You are such an incredible lady, and i am glad to have gotten to know you. you have put up with a lot of shit from me, and I am sorry i can be such a prick. My emotions justs get the best of me, and i do stupid things: i always regret it.

    you are doing well in battling the monster, just remember that things happen the way they are supposed to happen. Whether it is God, or just fate, or whatever, it is true that things happen for a reason.

    I love you, and hope that together we can battle the beast.

  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello Patacake,
    You have four good reasons to seek help rather than giving up. I always used my daughter and my grandaughter as a deterent for commiting suicide.
    It was easier to give up because they weren't around they lived up North. I recently had them move down here and now it would be much harder to commit because they are here and they are depending on me. I have so many confuseing thoughts going thru my mind right now.
    Do your kids live with you or your ex? You definitly need to put them first. If you don't and commit you will scar them for the rest of there lives. They could always fall into your footsteps and attempt to quit. Please take that into account while you are thinking things over. Good luck and Stay Safe....
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Jo, I remember the feelings of failure when my marriage ended. Although it was for the best for the kids and I, I still felt I had failed at something very important. I think part of the feelings of lonliness can come from the uncertainty of what the future now holds. The reality of growing old together no longer exists. Even though you have someone special, thoughts are still there about things going wrong again. Your children are a wonderful reason to continue on, but so are you. You have been through much in your life and have demons to fight that you haven't shared here. You are not alone. You have friends willing to step in and help you fight them just as you help others fight theirs. You can and will get beyond this. It takes time, patience, and a lot of hard work. I know you are up to the challenge. Take care my friend. :hug:
  6. patacake

    patacake Well-Known Member

    thanks for all the kind words , im so sad still but ill rise again , and stranger dont worry my purpose is my kids ill never leave them intentionally xxxxxxxxx
  7. jerrin

    jerrin Guest

    I read all the words which you have shared here but I am unable to understand is this any matter to loosing this life in this easy way. This things only shows a week cause and I don't think about what you have tried to do you will pardon this.
  8. patacake

    patacake Well-Known Member

    Er Jerrin ,

    pardon me but u dont know me or my life , or what i ve tried to do about anything .

    So thanks for that , please be aware its sometimes better to say nothing than to be negative to a persons anguish

  9. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    love and hugs to you pata. always here for you hun :hug:
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