I feel so alone, and im scared

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jell, Oct 20, 2013.

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  1. jell

    jell Well-Known Member

    I feel so screwed up at the moment, my suicidal thoughts are extreme then I see my eldest son devastated if I did take my own life, im dreaming picturing death always. My mum is trying to organize a get together for my birthday and I am dreading it. I don't feel I can say no as she had a heart attack back in august and I know shes doing it because she loves me, but im struggling to see tomorrow let alone November. My son who lives with me has brought me something and hes so proud and I feel guilty as im not sure I will make it. I know it sounds really selfish and I love my kids with my whole heart I am just feeling such pain I cant describe it. ive got the crisis team involved for this weekend which wasn't my choice, I keep saying to myself just hold on keep going I don't want to hurt my children but I feel such a failure and I just don't know what to do anymore. I've pushed away the people that mean something to me. I am so unsure what im really trying to write my head is jumbled I feel flawed I just don't know what to do anymore I almost feel I have no emotion anymore im not part of this world and I mean nothing to people except my kids that is.......I want to scream so loud. what is the point I do not know im trying so very hard
  2. the black raven

    the black raven Well-Known Member

    jell :(
    I'm here if you need to talk.... Don't give up okay hun? I'll be here, maybe I won't be able to stay on chat, but we can use private message instead. Maybe you can talk to someone you trust there, someone that won't freak out to help you. I'm sure you have someone like that there. You mean something to people, to me, not only to your kids. We talked to each other right :)
    Please don't give up :(

  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Jell i am sorry you are struggling so much with your depression right now It is good the crisis team is there to help you Hope they get supports in place so you can get feeling stronger You son will always need you hun and your mother too Keep talking to us here ok WE CARE hun we do hugs
  4. ronnymarie

    ronnymarie Guest

    I can completely understand how you are feeling. I am also hanging on for my son, as I know my suicide would devastate him. I also know that it might increase the chance that someday he would make the same choice, and I would do anything to prevent that.

    I'm glad you have the crisis team. Don't worry about your birthday or November, just get though today. Do whatever you can to take care of yourself, sleep enough, eat right, get some activity, anything that might help. Love your kids, and get through today. Worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. One day at a time, hon, that's all any of us can do.
  5. jell

    jell Well-Known Member

    Thank you it's just really hard and I understand that me committing suicide increases my children in doing it, I feel so lost I feel I'm doing everything wrong I just want to stop hurting so much. It is my children that's stops me doing things but it's like when he's at school I feel more impulsive to act on stuff and I don't want to do this. I have seen the devestation first hand and how it affects everybody. But I feel that I won't affect that many people I know that is selfish as my kids would be hurt I know that I know that SO much, that is what hurts the most.
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