I have never really been a sad person in life. I remember when i was young i was a happy kid. In my teens i guess you could say i was a pretty happy guy too. But things started to change once I got into college especially in my first year when i went back after christmas break. Im a son of chinese parent immigrants. When i was young my parents would always tell me stories of how many years of hard work they had to go through to get to the point they are at today. Being young and not understanding clearly too much about the point i didnt really acknowledge them. But as I grew older I finally figured out how hard they actually had it trying to make a better life for me. I realized why they wanted me to do so well in school. The problem though, was that I wasn't one of those typical asians who were smart and good at everything. I was the exact opposite. Now back to college. College is a four hour drive from my house through mountains and slopes. Once I went back to school after christmas break i began to feel very sad and emotional. I didn't realize how much i took being at home forgranted until i was actually away for so long. Thats when I decided to transfer out and hopefully into a school that is closer to home. The problem now being in my second year and once again just returned back to school from christmas break, i am feeling even more emotional and depressed. Not that i stopped feeling this way over the summer because i still did, but it intensified 100 fold. I filed my transfer applications earlier and now they want me to update some form by Jan 31. Having really hard college classes and having to fill out these forms may not seem that hard to some but they are to me. It seems that my advisors haven't fully help guide me to successfully taking the classes i needed to transfer. I may be missing a few which would end up jeopardizing my admission. After seeing this i lost total trust in my advisors. Everytime i go to my advisors is when im in a time of need and now realizing that they didnt take the time to correctly guide my classes i felt betrayed and abandoned. I mean advisors should help but why do i feel like they dont care? Another thing is that my classes are so hard for me right now. Im taking a class that im required to pass to be able to transfer but its INCREDIBLY hard. I would sit in lecture and when the professor begins to teach i wouldnt be able to catch on at all. Im stressing so much because if i dont pass this class i will have to take it again next quarter (3 quarters in a year, im in my 2nd) and that will take a slot away for another class i need for next quarter. And also if i dont pass my gpa will drop making my chances to transfer even lower. For my transfer application update forms, since i dont know what classes work, i have to call around so much asking what classes fit where and what classes i have to take. I really feel alone. I dont go to my advisors anymore because im scared they will lead me the wrong way. I can't do all this by myself but i have to. I have talked to my roomates about how i been feeling but they have their own things to worry about and cant do much to help me. All they say is to quit crying and whining. I feel so alone. Our apartment is either empty because people are at classes or everyone is in their room. I have no one to talk to and i need someone to talk to right now. Im scared to tell my parents about how i feel because they might begin to worry about me and my parents are the kind that when something is worrying them, they cant sleep. It seems that i have the same too. I can't sleep at night, i can't properly concentrate which makes studying harder. I constantly have these things on my mind. What if the schools i applied to transfer to reject me? where will i go? I dont want to be at this college i will do anything to get out of here. Are my classes ok for transferring? probably not im gonna have to call the campuses and ask around. What if my classes arent ok? What if i have to take an even harder class load next quarter? Will that class load be to hard and i end up not passing any classes and dropping my gpa? I love my parents so much and because they have gone through so much to give me the life i have im scared to tell them about my depression. I feel as if since they could do so much and get to the point they are at right now i shouldnt be complaining and just handle it. But i can't. My whole life i been trying to do things myself. I didnt want to ask for help because i wanted to prove that i wasnt dependant on people and i wanted to show that i was a man. But now im all broken down. Im not the happy guy i used to be. I dont care if my friends think im girly being so emotional. I just want to be closer to home. I have so much on my mind its making me go crazy. I have thought of suicide a few times but i just cant bear to do it because i imagined how much pain that would cause my family. I'll admit it. Im homesick. I just want to be closer to my family. But transferring may end up not working because of the required classes. Classes im taking right now are so hard too. Im scared i'll do bad and it'll lessen my chances of transferring. With my course load right now and all the calls i need to make, i have to get my apps done by Jan 31 so i feel a lot of pressure and scared that i wont be able to clear things up in time. Im scared and im all alone. I know there are more important things in life than school, like family and friends, but how am i supposed to get close to my family and friends without right now doing good in school. I see now way out of here because of me. Im not smart enough to maintain a good gpa needed to transfer. I dont want to be here anymore....I need to go home. i can't stop thinking abou that. For whoever read this, thank you for listening. This is the first time i have ever written out all of what was on my mind so i apologize if its hard to read. Im just glad i was able to talk to someone and let them hear what im going through.