I feel so alone.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by WeAreNowhere, Mar 20, 2015.

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  1. WeAreNowhere

    WeAreNowhere New Member

    I know people have it a lot worse than me. That's what makes everything that much harder; I have feelings of guilt and ingratitude on top of the depression I've been living through for the last year or so.

    I'm 30, have my dream job, I have great friends and a family that loves me, and I'm aware of how lucky I am, respectively.

    But I'm so lonely. I'm convinced that I'm unloveable, undeserving, and am destined to always be alone. And if you don't get to share your life with someone, what's the point in living?

    I take the fact that I've been single for the last 7 years of my life as a confirmation that I'm fat, ugly, and undesirable. My latest attempt at trying to be with someone ended in disaster. We met, became close friends, I fell in love (and I thought he did, too), but he took advantage of that to use me in a number of ways.

    His rejection of me tore my world a part. I don't believe in soul mates, but I believed he was what I was looking/waiting for. After my last relationship, I had resigned myself to being single. The things that transpired between me and this new guy, though, caused me to hope. Hope causes pain.

    I go to work, I come home. That's it. That's my life. My life is empty. I want a husband. I want children. I want a family. I don't want to be alone. Losing him proved to me that I was wrong to hope-- instead it confirmed my biggest fears (ie-- I'm fat, ugly, undesirable, unloveable). What made me feel even worse is that I logically know he's not the best person, and nobody close to me liked him. He parties, gambles, is mean, doesn't want to grow up, etc. Instead of saying to myself "well, f*** him, he's a bad person anyway," my mind goes into "even *this* piece of s*** doesn't want me? I must be absolutely worthless."

    I know all of this isn't about him, though. This just awakened everything-- my self-loathing, low self-esteem, the idea that I'm undeserving, depression, the desire to isolate myself, the idea that I'm just going to watch all of my friends find love and build families and never experience it myself.

    What is most painful, I think, is the fact that I don't have someone to love rather than someone not loving me. I have so much love, affection, desire, and longing-- I just want to give it to someone.

    If I'm going to have to spend my life alone, I just don't think I want to live it. Without someone to love-- and loving someone is life's greatest pleasure-- what point is there? I'm so tired of being alone. I'm so tired of being hopeless. I'm so tired of not having anything to look forward to. I'm so tired of trying to build up self-esteem only to have it smashed by the realization that no one wants to love me. I'm so tired of being envious of my friends and wondering what the hell is wrong with me that makes me so unloveable.
     
  2. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Hi there, and welcome to SF!


    It is apparent from your post that you are extremely self critical and self loathing, which is not uncommon for people on this forum. You say you have a lot of love to give somebody, what is stopping you from giving some of that love to yourself? What is stopping you from being compassionate and kind to yourself? Where did this self criticism and self loathing stem from?
     
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. I hope you are ok as life is important and keep remembering that which also means YOU.
     
  4. Koji

    Koji Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry WeAreNowhere, i'm pretty much in the same boat as you. And though you should love yourself, i realize that it just doesn't cut it. You want someone else in your life, and i believe that's completely normal.
     
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