i just feel so ashamed!!! im making a complete balls up of a new great job by calling in sick all the time. its only a matter of time before i get the boot. its the same as before - teaching - i just dont have the motivation even though the new job is so much easier than before. i get panic attacks in the morning and freeze and dont want to leave home. i need the job as ive just been diagnosed with diabetes type 2 and the health cost is beyond our budjet, also my mother in law has bailed us out of debt twice in the last year. i really want to work and pay her back and keep our heads above water. but its just too hard to face. im now feeling suicidal again and know its going to get worse unless i sort myself out. my wife is supportive and said just quit and dont put myself through the pain, but i feel a duty to pay my own way and pay back whats been given. but the real problem is that i had a nervous breakdown due to the board of education a few years ago and ive tried again and again to get back to teaching and this time everything was ideal. now i just feel like shit and want to end it all. ive been trying hard to make everything work this last month and now im just crashing!!! its all falling apart and if i just give up on my diabetes medicine and let nature do its course i could easily end it all. i feel so dragged down when i should be happy. i have a great job and family and will have the money for a great summer if i can keep it together - but i cant move. i panic and i get a feeling in the pit of my stomach telling me not to go. im sure to others its looks like im being lazy but im really fighting inside and want to work, but the battle leaves me drained. im lost!!!