i feel so ashamed!!!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by kote, May 7, 2010.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. kote

    kote Account Closed

    i just feel so ashamed!!! im making a complete balls up of a new great job by calling in sick all the time. its only a matter of time before i get the boot. its the same as before - teaching - i just dont have the motivation even though the new job is so much easier than before. i get panic attacks in the morning and freeze and dont want to leave home. i need the job as ive just been diagnosed with diabetes type 2 and the health cost is beyond our budjet, also my mother in law has bailed us out of debt twice in the last year. i really want to work and pay her back and keep our heads above water. but its just too hard to face. im now feeling suicidal again and know its going to get worse unless i sort myself out. my wife is supportive and said just quit and dont put myself through the pain, but i feel a duty to pay my own way and pay back whats been given. but the real problem is that i had a nervous breakdown due to the board of education a few years ago and ive tried again and again to get back to teaching and this time everything was ideal. now i just feel like shit and want to end it all. ive been trying hard to make everything work this last month and now im just crashing!!! its all falling apart and if i just give up on my diabetes medicine and let nature do its course i could easily end it all. i feel so dragged down when i should be happy. i have a great job and family and will have the money for a great summer if i can keep it together - but i cant move. i panic and i get a feeling in the pit of my stomach telling me not to go. im sure to others its looks like im being lazy but im really fighting inside and want to work, but the battle leaves me drained.
    im lost!!!
  2. ozbound

    ozbound Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    It doesn't sound like your being lazy at all are you on meds for your panic attacks can they be adjusted ? If not can you go to your docs and tell them what is happening and maybe get some help that way. I sincerly wish you all the best though and please keep taking your diabetes meds.
  3. kote

    kote Account Closed

    im still on my meds from my dr. who has dealt with me for all these years. we just increased the meds before i started work because i suspected this might happen and wanted to be dosed up as much as possible to cope.
    i get to see him in a few days and its always a relief as he is very helpful and knows the whole scenario.
    im just gonna take some pills now to relax a little as i feel a bit jittery and im about to drink a can of coke. just fallen off the diabetes wagon. i will still take my injections but i altered my diet dramatically and have been coping up until now with the change.
    i cant get my head round why my guts tell me to stay home when my head and heart say go. its really ripping me apart as i dont know whats best. i was so happy when i got this job that i said even if it kills me this time i will do it, but now its getting to me and im falling fast. im one sep away from attempting!!! i will take the weekend to contemplate things. hopefully i will find a solution one way or another.
  4. DawsonJ

    DawsonJ Well-Known Member

    That's a tough situation. Have you tried rooting out your panic attacks? I used to be controlled by mine, but I was able to work through them by laughing at the unreality of them. It sounds like that could really raise your quality of life. I recommend www.paniccure.com. Feel free to leave me a message if you want more info.
  5. kote

    kote Account Closed

    im willing to try anything to see if it helps. its no fun being in the hole and i want out one way or another. i used to be a fighter and nothing got to me. it seems all that spirit has left me and im hollow and weak now.
    my thoughts last week were to just turn up at school and report to the nurses room. even if i couldnt teach id not be absent. i could blame the diabetes and hide the real cause which are the flashbacks to the nervous breakdown caused by the board of bloody education!!!!
  6. kote

    kote Account Closed

    the site looks good so far, i will spendsome time on it tonight and hope it helps. thank you.
  7. Raphael1

    Raphael1 Well-Known Member

    I know how it feels to have anxiety at work. It's a terrible feeling. My heart goes out to you. Maybe there is some other medication available if you speak to your doctor. Specifically get something for anxiety and combine that with the techniques on the site you were given. Let me know how it all goes and try and stick with that job anyway you can to get through it. I know it's difficult. Life is stressful.
  8. DawsonJ

    DawsonJ Well-Known Member

    Sorry, I spend a lot of time hiding from real life in video games and DVDs, so it's sometimes hard to get out of my own little world and keep track of my more serious posts. Any progress with the panic attacks? I hope the site was able to give you at least some help. Last I knew, there was a form you could print out to write down the situation and work through it. The site really helped me with my fear of food, showers, etc. I still have issues, but no more panic attacks.
  9. kote

    kote Account Closed

    i failed to go to work again today.

    i had everything prepared, bath ready lesson plan all sorted all i needed to do was go out of the house.

    i couldnt manage it, i felt nervous since yesterday and just had a panic at the last minute. id even taken my meds to prevent it. i just couldnt move and in my mind everything was so easy today there were no obstacles and still i couldnt do it.

    im sure i will lose the job soon, but i cant help it. the panic sets in and no matter how logical everything is i couldnt get out and simpley drive the 10 minutes to a lovely school and great staff and students,

    i just dont know what went wrong???

    so now im feeling suicidal as if i cant do the simplest of thing what can i do???

    this week i made it in every day for the last 10 days which is quite a success, but today no..........

    im going to have a sleep and then take my dog for a walk in the mountains and hopefully that will clear my head for tomorrow.

    i hate being such a failure and i really did want to go today but my gut feeling was that i couldnt. whats wrong with me???
  10. kote

    kote Account Closed

    god i feel like shit!!!

    ive been doing this 11 years and its so easy, why havent i got the motivation???
  11. DawsonJ

    DawsonJ Well-Known Member

    Sorry for the delayed response. How are things going now? Any small successes? Have you been making it to work?
  12. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Talk to your pdoc about agoriphobia..I'm the same as you. I get ready to go somewhere and I can't walk out the door..I try to make all my appts. for early in the morning so I can't talk myself out of it..I cancelled my therapy session two weeks ago and haven't heard anything from her as far as making my appts. for next month.. I guess now I have to find a new therapist. If you go to work once you get there do things settle down??I find just leaving the house and going is what scares me the worst.. Once I am there I seem to cope better..If that is the case with you, try positive self talk.. Sometimes that makes it easier..
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.