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I feel so awful I can't describe it :(

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Edit: possible trigger

There is so much crisis going on with me righ now, so much, so much pain it's just unbarable, I feel like just doing it, dying. I have been thinking about it more seriously lately than ever in my life really, my beilfs scare me into living and others, but really others have their lives and I have mine or my lack of the word "life". I have very bad effects from all that's going on and has gone on, it has traumatized me so much that all of that pain is burnt into my head, it will NEVER leave. Today I have had flooded memories and flashbacks of a man who molested me but I actually talked myself into beleiving that it was different with me and I didn't matter, it was ok for me just not others, He accepted me and I have been hurt so much I kept in touch with them, mainly for the kids, but he raped nikki and tracey, one was six and one was seven... the last time I saw them I got bad feelings from his bahavour with Tracey and called her thing he called me and gestures and he was verbally abusive.. he also was in a cult and litteraly brain washed me into a whole new world over, it's the end of the earth, the government are satanists and are abducting young 12-14 year old blonde girls and sacrifice them and so much, and like secret code f the satanist's one the 1 dollar bills.. and how Bill Clinton's ancest was Nero. Those kids lived scrunched up together on the floor while their parents were on the bed having sex and watching porn, they just buy donuts and candy and their gets just eat that all day, leaving them in diapers for long periods of time, leave raw meat out rotting and blood on the counter rop, if you spill something you just leave it there. just disgusting, I reported it 3 times, they never did anything, and Chris would bruise the kids and yell at them and if they wanted attention or hug he'd get mad at them and spank them and put them in their rooms. they never showed any affection whatsoever, just hatefulness, and I noticed how it was setting in with the girls, I mean I had been around since Tracey was a month old and she's almost 7 now. The kids wore dirty clothes no baths, matted hair.. I guess I was pretty disperate to let people abuse me just to have someone that is suppose give a shit. I keep seeing the last time I was there, I thought is he acting weird, he wouldn't hurt her would he? and I kept saying no but it was the begining. Part of the "I see" poem had to do with him...
And my step father sexually abusing me for years, starting at 7 years old, I was isolated .. he hurt me alot, when I was pretty young he'd bribe me with barbie's .. when I got older he just said he'd blow my head off if I told anyone.. I lived nothing but go home be on gard get abused then stay up all night because your scared then go to school get picked on and made fun of then go home get an hour of sleep then stay awake again.. me moved all the time because he was wanted.. He was in trouble for auto theift, embeslemen, theft, drugs selling and doing (speed) he was a cowboy he wore rangler's and boots and a hat... now when I see people like that, it makes me sick, nausious. Me father never had anything to do with me he always said I never was good enough to make him proud so he disowned me and because I was in a psychiatrisy hospital and rehab. I was a peice of shit he didn't want claim me. And people keep dying and leaving me even though it's good most of them are gone but it just takes a hunk of my heart each and everytime I get hurt and it's been so many times that I am not going to count because it'd take hours to figure it out. one person from my past has started torturing and killing animals, he killed big dog because she wouldn't give him a kiss, he thinks he's a neo nazi and he's american indian.. the others are dead, sick, on the run, moved away or is in prison. My husband, I am overwhelmed, I am having issues coming to drips with all that he has done and his family... so much I can't grasp it all. And my friend is doing things that are not good which is making me nervous and she goes around alot, she's pop around and she 4-5 people after work, like constantly on the go and I have bad anxiety and agoraphobia. She's not happy with me, I can't deal anymore, I am not making it really I am barely and I MEAN BARELY, getting by right now... I am missing appt's, sleeping and online then go to sleep, and I am sick all the time migraines, ulcers, ibs, Fibromyalgia, anemic, I have nerve damage in both legs from self harming... I was looking at my thigh lastnight and I saw the scars and I thought if I would have just moved the blade back a little farther and I would have hit that arterie in your inner thigh. could have bled too death .. I think my leg is pretty infected keep getting the infection out but it comes back I guess it is because I don't care about it, I could lose my leg and I don't care right now really I wanty to die I have been thinking about it and looking at suicide methods right now, some are things I wouldn't be my last thoughts. And Brenda wants me to go to vhurch with her and I don't want to go I can't stay out that long in public it's Jehovah's Wittness church, very strict, can't how anything with a fairy, wizard, skull, no american indian crafts, can't celibrate christmas because it's the day the sun goddess's rituals... alrighty then... no it is reminding me of what Gary made me think and learn... I AM GOING CRAZY! I don't know what I am saying or what I am thinking I am psycho... what's wrong with me? geez so much pain and I don't even know what I did!?!?
I hate myself I look at myself it litteraly disgusts me and I wonder why am I so bad? why am I mean? what did I do that was so bad to deserve all of that, and that's not even the tip of the ice-burg.

this is to give you an idea of what's going on now but a mild version.
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Caz, your not psycho!! you had a very bad childhood. Things happened to you that should NEVER happen to anyone. Its perfectly understandable that your life seems some what chaotic. What happened was very traumatic and there is nothing wrong with feeling the way your are. I ask you one thing and thats to stay safe for me, your a good friend to me and i don't wanna lose you, i care abotu you so much and so do many others. Your a very sepcial person and everyone can see that apart from you, and i truely hope that one day you will see how special you really are because its unbelievable.

You know im here for you and i allways wil be.



Well-Known Member
Oh Carolyn...

It hurts me to see you in so much pain. Even though we haven't known each other for very long I can tell that you're a wonderful person. You're not mean! You are sweet and caring and so giving of yourself. Even when you're hurting you still help others. That takes a special person to be able to do that and I admire you for it.

I never went through brainwashing, but I do know sexual abuse. My older brother sexually abused me every Sunday morning from when I was 8 till I was 16. It's taken me literally years to work through that and I'm still not completely there. I still have flashbacks when I'm triggered. It's only been the last 3 or 4 years that it hasn't consumed my every waking thought, and I'm 34 now.

I can understand your fear and frustration. My brother got engaged to a woman who had an 8 year old girl. When I would see her sit on his lap, it was all I could do to not just grab her and run from the room screaming. I finally worked up the courage to tell his fiancee about what he did to me. She thanked me for telling her, but wasn't worried and she married him anyway! I was so angry that she blew me off... that she didn't CARE about what he was capable of! You try to tell people, to stop the situation, and nothing comes of it. I don't know if he ever did anything to her. I really hope not.

I also self-injure. I have migraines, an ulcer, ibs, you name it. It's not fair that on top of all the emotional pain we have to have physical problems as well. I have panic attacks and at times I get so bad I can barely leave the house. I can't stand to be in groups of people, I panic and feel trapped. It makes it very hard to go grocery shopping and run errands. I've pretty much structured those things for when it's night and there are less people. I typically grocery shop after midnight.

I'm guess I'm telling you all of this so that you'll know that in a lot of ways I can completely understand what you're going through. But I want you to remember that IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT. You are not a bad or mean person and you did NOTHING to deserve what happened to you! You didn't do anything wrong hun. Even if you don't believe that, just keep hearing me say it in your head.

Know that I believe in you and really want to get to know you even better. I know it doesn't feel like it, but it can get better. I'm living proof of that. I'm here for you. You can pm me whenever you want. :hug:
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