I feel so completely alone...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by amberly18, Dec 29, 2009.

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  1. amberly18

    amberly18 Member

    I've been going to a psych. and therapist for over a year and nothing helps. I've been on just about every med there is. Now, the dr is starting me over with the first stuff I tried.

    I'm very shy and honestly have not one friend besides my husband, who thinks I should "snap out" of all of this - and doesn't understand. It makes him angry at me if he sees I'm "acting" depressed. I hate myself so much already, so that doesn't help. I've been hiding my depression as best as I can from him, but it's getting so hard.

    I HATE getting up every day and HATE being alive. I believed in Jesus most of my life, but don't have any faith now. I don't think he knows/cares about me, either. Why would he? I've totally thrown my life down the toilet.

    The only reason I'm alive is for my daughters, but I'm setting such a bad example for them. They'll probably end up depressed from watching me. Honestly, I try not to show it, but I'm just so TIRED of it all. Nothing matters any more. I wish I knew for sure I could just die and go to Jesus. But, now, I'm scared.

    To top it all off, my insurance is changing Jan. 1 and OF COURSE neither my dr or therapist is on "the list." Now, what? It's taken me 2 years of mostly sitting there to be able to open up to my counselor! I'm still scared to death to talk to her, but she's the only one in the world who knows me even a little. Why is this happening now?

    Is there any place besides ASH that I can find info. on what happens if I don't take enough pills? I just hate to try it, and end up only destroying my liver or something.

    I've never fit in anywhere in my whole life, so why am I even here?
  2. Colourful

    Colourful Well-Known Member

    First of all, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. i'm sure most of us on here have been to the point where we feel there is just no way out and there is no point, but there is. You said you have two daughters, and it's a good thing you're thinking about them because they need you, as I'm sure your husband does.

    You said your husband doesn't really understand what you're going through and he gets angry because he thinks you're acting, but you said you've tried to hide your depression from him so maybe what you need to do is come clean and have a good talk to him about it? maybe that way he'll understand better and try harder to support you, because support is crucial. It's very important to remember that you are not alone in this, and that you have a family who will be there with you. Also you have people here who will listen to you and care, and will try to give you advice on how to deal with things.

    As for the councellors/therapists, it could be that you're not opening up enough for them to really help you. I know it can be very hard, especially if you just don't feel at ease with the person. If you really don't like them you can always try out someone else until you find someone you're more comfortable with. And as hard as it is to open up for you, it's the only way they can help you.

    Medicines alone won't help, you really need to start talking about the problems that are making you feel this way.

    Keep posting, take care! :hug:
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I think maybe get your husband to talk with your therapist about depression and get therapist to explain to him that one does not just snap out of it. I also agree if you don't open up and talk to your therapist then healing will not come. Medication with therapy is the best way so try okay really try to open up and just let it all out. Keep posting here as it is sometimes easier to let things out when you are anonymous take care of you okay try getting husband more involved in the therapy as well. Your daughters only know they love their mom and if you are depressed explain to them that you have a sickness and are trying to make yourself well. be open with them so they understand as well. take care.
  4. Autumn01

    Autumn01 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that you feel the way you do.
    I feel the same way myself so I can most certainly relate.
    I myself have always been shy and quiet.
    I too hate getting out of bed everyday and hate being alive- you're most certainly not alone. I'll be your friend if you like.
  5. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I can see why your situations alone would make you shy and turn inside yourself. And I have to agree with what the other members have said.

    You are not alone in your pain. So many here can relate. And so many will be able to support and help you through this.

    You need to see for yourself that you are suffering from an illness. And you need to be able to tell your daughters that as well. I have 3 teens and a 4 year old. And I have been more than honest with them about my mental health issues and physical health problems. If they are watching your husband treat it as if it is something you can just snap out of, they will expect the same. But if you can show them. Tell them. It will also show them that when they feel overwhelmed or unsure they will and can to you to talk. Believe me half the battle with teens is being able to let them know they can come to you with their problems.

    You are important and so are your feelings. Please believe that.

    You can talk about all the things you cant say to others in RL here. And maybe in letting some of those things out here, it will help you to be able to open up a bit better with your therapist etc. Another thing to try would be to write out as much as you can. Then at the end of a session give it to your therapist. Tell them the things you feel you need to work on. Tell them the things that are priority to you. Give them the ground rules hun.

    Please keep posting. Let members have a chance to meet you, learn more about you and most importantly, let them give you the support and advice you are looking for.
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