i feel so conflicted

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by dazzle11215, Dec 19, 2010.

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  1. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    just heard that one of my best friend's friends killed himself last week. actually i read it in the paper when it happened but didn't put it together at the time. he left behind a wife (the wife has been friends with my friend for over 30 years, since grade school.), she is totally devastated.

    i feel conflicted because of the circumstances. he was arrested the day before his suicide for making and distributing child pornography. wtf. now that he's dead we'll never know what or why. was he like pete townsend, curious and downloading images, even though it is illegal? was it something more sinister? i find it very disturbing.

    i feel sad and angry and confused. i'm all jumbled up.

    i wish my therapist wasn't on vacation. i really need to talk to her about this.

    i want to support my friend. she is really upset. she was almost crying when i talked to her earlier tonight. she really liked the guy. she made a point of telling me that that he was a really good guy. if he was so good why would he be looking at kiddy porn? i just don't get it.

    thanks for listening.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry about the loss of your friend and the conditions under which he lived and died...please PM me if I can be there for you...I know the pain of losing a good friend...it is awful...big hugs, J
  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    this has been totally triggering for me. just had a major flashback. found myself completely paralyzed and frightened to death. couldn't move a muscle. had to just hang on and wait for it to pass.

    not going to be able to support my friend through this i fear. don't feel like a good friend right now. too much going on in my head.
  4. Romancer

    Romancer Well-Known Member

    i do believe that everyone has something "good" and "bad" in them, and if we let it out it's on us. that said, if he liked child porn...was he still a good person? I guess it's up to you and your (moral) standards.
    Support your friend, and she'll support you, since it looks like you both need somebody right now.
  5. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    it's not so much the liking child porn as the making child porn that distresses me. this was a major international ring. they arrested 57 men in three countries, and rescued 12 kids, one was 6 years old. i will never know how involved on the making end of things this guy was. he was charged but it never went to court. i'm not sure this is forgiveable, nice guy or not. it's too much. it's so wrong. those poor kids.
  6. Romancer

    Romancer Well-Known Member

    I agree, it's hard to imagine how split up his wife must be, the incident (arrest) that happened, and then his death.
  7. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Hi Catherine.
    It's not surprising that you've been triggered, this is enough to trigger anyone. Even someone without mental health issues in the first place.
    You've got such a lot of emotional responses going on. In the first place there's the tragedy of a woman losing her husband suddenly and out of the blue. Then there's the fact that it was suicide which has to touch a raw nerve with all of us. Then theres the horror of discovering the child porn allegations particularly if he was accused of distributing as well as downloading. Its really not surprising that you're so upset.
    Now on top of that, you feel like you're letting your friend down and don't want to do that. So we've got feelings of guilt added to the mix. You're on an emotional roller coaster hun and you're going to have to try and step off it.
    Would it help you to write down how you feel about each issue? Or we can discuss each issue if that would help, either in this thread or by pm.
    Also, have you considered explaining to your friend that you've been triggered and thats why you can't help her. My friends and family are really understanding when I have to do this. They know how ill I can get if I allow the trigger to continue.
    Let me know if you need to talk xxxx
  8. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    thanks guys. talked to my friend a bit about the situation tonight. she is doing better today. still in shock, asking herself how it was possible to have no clue that he was involved in child pornography. by all accounts he was the most normal guy in the world, smart, funny, caring. an all around good guy.

    i didn't tell her how triggering i find this. i didn't want it to be about me. but i am going to be very careful around this issue. i need to look after myself as well as be there for my friend, as much as possible.
  9. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    I'm glad you got back to us Catherine and good to hear that your friend is doing better. Do look after yourself though. Stay strong!
  10. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i can't stop thinking about the two men who abused me. this was pre-internet days. how did they meet? how did they come up with the idea to rape me? i mean who the fuck thinks of these things. were they part of some pedophile ring? i might never know. i don't understand why it happened. why did they pick me? i am obsessing on these questions. and self-harming. it's the only thing that is calming me down right now. i'm feeling really crazy right now. my therapist says of course i feel crazy, i don't have all hte information i need to process this. i only have fragments, so i feel fragmented. and she says the blizzard in my head is the natural reaction to trauma. i am trying to hang on. not doing the best job here. help.
  11. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    *CALM* Calm.
    try to quiet your head.

    although having all the information can be helpful in processing it, you need to remember; with all the info, you have feelings to cope with. Having all the info, doesn't necessarily make it easier.

    i had all the info. i was old enough to remember it all. doesn't make it any easier, :console:

    can you get angry? can you direct the anger at those who hurt you and be gentle with yourself? You don't deserve to hurt or feel pain, honest. You are in charge now, and it's now time to be gentle with you and comfort you....calm your heart.

  12. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    If we knew how people like that meet, we'd be a lot further on in the fight against this behaviour.
    Right now you do need to do some calming exercises. Do some breathing exercises and then see if you can do some pilates or yoga. Concentrate on forcing all those dark thoughts into a little box until they get smaller and smaller and then disappear. I know this sounds silly but it will work. You just have to concentrate.
    Sending you loads of positive vibes xxx
  13. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi dazzle. I'm so sorry to hear about your friend committing suicide and then finding out that he was involved in child pornography. That must have been hard. I also heard about this in the news. The cops busted guys who were part of an international child pornography ring and two of them were grad students from York University and then the next day the guy hanged himself. I guess it was all just too much for him.
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