Sometimes I feel like I want to die. I have nothing to live for, no drive in life, no family, no friends and the world just seems like such a horrible and unreasonable place to be in. Then I see so much beauty in the world and it makes me want to be apart of it. Sometimes I worry that killing myself will provide me with a place in hell and will anger God. Then I realise that life is hell and anything must be better than this. I feel as if I have no choice, but then I wonder whether all my problems can be fixable. Sometimes I feel so ugly that I don't want one single person to see me, I rarely answer when somebody knocks on the door anymore. I feel that I look like the ugliest freak on the entire planet, like I don't even look human. Then I go and look in the mirror and get a different reflection everytime. On one hand I see a 28 year old man that still looks youthful with dark hair and eyes, good bone structure, decent muscle definition and olive skin. Then on the same day, in the same mirror I can see someone that looks so hideous that I wouldn't want to go outside and scare everyone with my appearance. Sometimes I feel that I'm destined to be on my own for the rest of my life. I have had many girlfriends and lovers in the past, but that was when I felt happier and less desperately depressed. Right now I rarely leave my flat (apartment) so I have no way of meeting new people. I think I'm agoraphobic. Sometimes I feel like I might as well give up on love and women. Most seem to be obsessed with good looks and the ones that aren't want an ambitious man that will be able to provide for them. It's been so long since I've been with a woman that I feel I'm becoming accustomed to being on my own, but then I get small periods of the day when I just wished I had a woman to hold. Sometimes I want to explode out of my flat and go and find a job. I'm not a lazy person and I miss grafting for a pay cheque. But then I remember what a cold and scrutinizing place the world outside can be. I want to work, but I have so much wrong with me that I could only do certain jobs and those all require qualifications or a driving license that I just don't have. I haven't worked in 8 years due to various disorders and mental illnesses, how would that look on any CV/resume? Sometimes I wonder how someone that's as sensitive as me can ever have a chance in this world. Everything seems to offend and upset me. But then I can have periods where I feel like I am a human being and I deserve to have the right to live just like everyone else. Sometimes I wonder whether I was an evil person in a previous life. As far as people go these days, I would say that I'm a good person. I don't kill, beat people, steal, rape, drink, smoke or take drugs, but there must be some reason why I'm so screwed up and stuck. Sometimes I feel as though the reason why I'm suffering so much in this life is because I was an evil dictator or something in a previous life. Then I think that I could never have been that way, it's just not in my make up. These are just some of the conflicting thoughts that go on inside my brain each and every day..... They make me so depressed and angry.