I don't know what to do anymore or who to talk to. I feel isolated and I feel as though I am losing my mind. Ever since I was about 10 I've had an undiagnosed mood disorder. At first they told me it was depression and insomnia, and I went to the shrinks, and I took the various medications that made me hypo (imagine a three year old on cordial) or even more depressed or just irrational - and then, last year, I moved out of home at 16 (after finishing high school one year earlier because I was accelerated) and I moved out of home nearly three hours away to go to a prestigious private University - it was there that things got a lot worse. It was as if being by myself and without 'friends' and 'family' just triggered something and I just stopped caring. I've always been a highly motivated (workaholic) type so when the whole lying in bed for 3 weeks on end before actually going out, shocked me. I was like already dead. I felt nothing, I was totally numb. and then I stopped going to class, and I stopped answering my phone, and I became totally lifeless - and then, a few months later, I took a double edged razor blade and hacked up my wrist and waited to die. My now boyfriend called the ambulance after I apparently went offline suddenly after saying something pretty "indicative" of a suicide attempt so the ambulance came and they sewed me back together and I had to endure the embarrassment of an emergency psych consultant - who incidentally decided that I wasn't sick enough to go into the ward. After this, I was okay for a little while. I think the whole thing scared me - shocked me - into being 'alive again'. I got with the guy who technically saved my life and now I live with him, and he makes me happy - I love him - god, I'm in love with him. But over these past few months the cracks have started to show again. I've spoken briefly to a GP about this - who suggested (after I recently cut up my wrist again) that I go to one of the local public hospitals to see a psychiatrist as an out patient - because I can't afford to see one out of this arrangement. I personally want to be admitted - but I can't. I'm doing summer school right now and I'm working and my parents would probably never think of me the same if I got admitted somewhere (my dad's an ex shrink, he's the best person I know and I love him but his opinion in all this is that he doesn't want me to get caught in the system and basically to toughen up). I feel like I would like people, who hopefully know what they are doing, to take care of me for a while - I don't think I'm doing such a great job at the moment. My boyfriend is at a work party at the moment and all I can think is that god, he must see some really pretty girls with no issues and must wonder how blissful it must be to be going out with girls like that. I think I may kill myself if I don't feel better soon - it's too much. I know what I've written is erratic and probably does not make much sense, but please, I'm begging someone - help me.