I feel so confused and crazy

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by greyeyes, Dec 4, 2010.

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  1. greyeyes

    greyeyes New Member

    I don't know what to do anymore or who to talk to. I feel isolated and I feel as though I am losing my mind. Ever since I was about 10 I've had an undiagnosed mood disorder. At first they told me it was depression and insomnia, and I went to the shrinks, and I took the various medications that made me hypo (imagine a three year old on cordial) or even more depressed or just irrational - and then, last year, I moved out of home at 16 (after finishing high school one year earlier because I was accelerated) and I moved out of home nearly three hours away to go to a prestigious private University - it was there that things got a lot worse. It was as if being by myself and without 'friends' and 'family' just triggered something and I just stopped caring. I've always been a highly motivated (workaholic) type so when the whole lying in bed for 3 weeks on end before actually going out, shocked me. I was like already dead. I felt nothing, I was totally numb. and then I stopped going to class, and I stopped answering my phone, and I became totally lifeless - and then, a few months later, I took a double edged razor blade and hacked up my wrist and waited to die. My now boyfriend called the ambulance after I apparently went offline suddenly after saying something pretty "indicative" of a suicide attempt so the ambulance came and they sewed me back together and I had to endure the embarrassment of an emergency psych consultant - who incidentally decided that I wasn't sick enough to go into the ward.

    After this, I was okay for a little while. I think the whole thing scared me - shocked me - into being 'alive again'. I got with the guy who technically saved my life and now I live with him, and he makes me happy - I love him - god, I'm in love with him. But over these past few months the cracks have started to show again. I've spoken briefly to a GP about this - who suggested (after I recently cut up my wrist again) that I go to one of the local public hospitals to see a psychiatrist as an out patient - because I can't afford to see one out of this arrangement. I personally want to be admitted - but I can't. I'm doing summer school right now and I'm working and my parents would probably never think of me the same if I got admitted somewhere (my dad's an ex shrink, he's the best person I know and I love him but his opinion in all this is that he doesn't want me to get caught in the system and basically to toughen up). I feel like I would like people, who hopefully know what they are doing, to take care of me for a while - I don't think I'm doing such a great job at the moment. My boyfriend is at a work party at the moment and all I can think is that god, he must see some really pretty girls with no issues and must wonder how blissful it must be to be going out with girls like that. I think I may kill myself if I don't feel better soon - it's too much. I know what I've written is erratic and probably does not make much sense, but please, I'm begging someone - help me.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOur father was a pdoc then he should understand the signs of depression and get you on medication at least that Talk to him let him know what you are going through okay He could get you connections to help. Tell him it is not about going through the system it is about getting YOU help now.
    You do what you know you have to get well Call your regular doctor and ask for some help tell him what you are going through Your regular doctor keep eveything confidential wand can prescribe antidepressant.
    Talk to the councillors at the university okay talk to someone there and they to can help you get some connections to help.
  3. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Hi Greyeyes and welcome to the forum.
    I'm having to take deep breaths and calm myself down after reading your post because I can't quite believe that anyone would send a 16 year old girl to University 3 hours away from her home and family.
    That, to me, is a form of child abuse. I have no time for parent's who 'hothouse their children. You may be academically up to the challenge but there's no way that you're emotionally ready for it. No 16 year old would be. I've seen it time and time again with middle class parents who seem to want to relive their lives through their children and don't appear to care what damage they do as a result.
    I appreciate that you love your parents but I don't believe that your parents are putting your interests first.
    Your parents need a major wake up call. You say your father used to be a shrink then he should be the first person you can turn to. The fact that you can't says a lot about him and it's not good. He can't have been a very good psychiatrist if he thinks that someone with mental health issues should 'toughen up and not get caught in the system'. Its his job to make sure that you don't get caught up in the system and being told to 'toughen up' is not an accepted medical practise in the world of Mental Health.
    The best thing that you can do right now is take a year out of Uni and work on getting well. If your parents don't like it - tough. You are the child they have got and its their duty to look after your best interests. Parents are supposed to love their children unconditionally and they need to be reminded of that.
    You're clearly a very intelligent girl and I'll remind you that knowledge is power. You need to learn everything you can about your mental health issues. You need to get the support and help that you need from the medical profession and right now you probably need to go into hospital for a good rest.
    Don't worry about your boyfriend, he sounds like a really great fella and he won't be looking at other girls. If he was the sort of boyfriend who'd do that, you'd have found out by now.
    Feel free to pm me anytime you need to. You're not alone in this.
    Sending hugs.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Exactly please listen to Catherine greyeyes please You are so young you can take a year off school and get well It is important to do that now okay don't let everything build up inside you again all the stress. Please talk to your dad and tell him you need a year off now to get well.
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