I feel so dead.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ivebeenherebefore, May 17, 2012.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. ivebeenherebefore

    ivebeenherebefore New Member

    I am feeling really suicidal right now. I have been talking to four different Councillor's and I'm on anti-depressants. I have honestly never felt so low then I do right now. I can't stop cutting myself because its the only thing I can feel anymore. The antis aren't working I can feel it. I'm tired, just of having to explain to everyone over and over again what is happening, or what happened. I just don't care anymore, I'm so tired. Everyone says call someone when you feel like this or talk to someone, in the middle of the night, even when you know your best friend told you no matter what I'll be there for you, at night, you're alone. These antis just make me so numb, I can't feel anything so cutting is my only escape. But I'm starting to feel again, only I feel so down. I don't even think its them that's doing it, I have felt like this before, just now its like I need to stop trying. I have been trying to be happy for so long, I see no point in it anymore. Nothing is working anymore, my fake smiles I flash everyday are still so good no one says one thing, but they feel so repulsive. I want to stop pretending I'm okay, even the people that know I'm not, they don't even notice how bad I am anymore, I'm getting so good at making them believe me. Everything if like a power drill to my heart. I don't feel real anymore, and if i do, I wish I wasn't.

    My mother hates me, that's no teenage view either. I have councillors telling me I was not the daughter she had wanted and hoped for so that is why I am treated the way I am. My life is not bad, I'm not perfect and I'm taking full responsibly for how bad I am feeling, for my choices and for everything, but I will never be good enough for her. Even though I know that, deep down, I feel myself rotting away because no matter how proud I am, no matter good I do, its still worth nothing to her. My family is hell. I am a 90s student who can't even pull a 50 anymore, I had to drop two courses this semester and if I pass my other two it will be a miracle.

    Its hard to look in the mirror when all I see is only the shell of who I once was. I remind myself of how the beauty slowly disappeared, starting secretly on the inside I became numb, unaware of how hurt I should feel after being used, played and damaged so many times. I know what its like to sit in the dark and cry my eyes out. I have thought about hurting myself, hoping the monster inside could somehow make the mask I've lived in for years a little easier on the eyes, a little more beautiful. But if I look real close, I see how have become so damn ugly. Inside and out, I'm a mess of everything I once hated, what I still hate. The people on the outside can see the bottle of lies and scars of insecurities, and the secrets I thought would keep forever, are things everyone knows.

    I don't know what to do anymore to make everything right, I don't have anyone else, even just one person I feel so unworthy, so alone, that the world would be better off without me, I need to die sooner. I want to kill myself because nobody else will. Writing this doesn't help it just makes me feel worse, but I still feel I should try....i guess. If anyone has any advice, help. I hate this.
  2. lav11

    lav11 Well-Known Member

    hey, just wanting to say how sorry i am you are feeling like this

    just wandering why you are talking to four different counsellors?? I did that last year and found it very difficult in doing so, and am now only talking to one face to face and one for after hours only in crisis, i find this a lot more helpful..

    How long have you been on the anti-depressants, it could be that A) you havent been on them long enough to have any effect yet as it does take a while to build up in your system, B) it could actually be the reason you are feeling worse or C) it may not have any effect... either way it would probably be a good idea to speak to the person who prescribed you them about it and maybe talk about changing the meds to different ones which may have a better effect.

    as for your mother- it is not your fault how she treats you at all, its not up to anyone to live up to the expectations their parents present, you can only do your best.. And just because you dropped two subjects doesnt make you a failure at all, in fact currently im doing the exact same thing and will be next year as well, it just makes things easier and allows you to focus on more important things..

    All you can do is hang on, try and ride out the most difficult times, lean on your workers as much as you need in the mean time... try to distract yourself as much as possible doing things you like.. maybe drawing, talking to friends, haveing a bath.. and wait until things lift a little.. they wont always be as bad as this :)

    hopeing you can get through this difficult time and feel better soon

    :hug: if ok
  3. pppqp

    pppqp Well-Known Member

    my dear, i understand every word you said. been there.

    can you just hold on a little bit longer? move out when you can. leave your family behind. there are so many things in this world waiting for you to experience.

    btw, i'm wondering if you have ever changed your anti-depressants? for some ppl, it takes years for them to find the right meds. but once you find it, your feelings are gonna change miraculously. all the darkness would be wiped away.

    ... maybe i'm not that worthy but you still have me. you can always talk to me. you are not completely alone :hug:
  4. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    My mother, throughout my life, has never thought I was good enough either. Yes, I've had my down times... but even when I have good successes, she scoffs at them. Then, when I grew up and made a family, she ignored(ignores) my children and dots on my sister's kids. My sister was adopted and add to that, she adopted her kids as well from overseas. There is nothing wrong with that, but sometimes I wonder why my mom hates her own flesh and blood (me) and my kids. At any rate, I survive this too. Learn that you are better than those who bring you down, and then learn to ignore them. I know it's not easy and it took me 50 years to do this, but I do it now.

    Medications: Have you told anyone you are feeling suicidal while on them? I am not a fan of anti-depressant pills. I know they have their place, but I don't fully trust them. Every single one gives warning to "contact your doctor if you have suicidal thoughts while taking this medication." Have you contacted your doctor to let him/her know? This is important! I was speaking with a gentleman recently here locally who has a lot of mental related issues. He is on something like 20+ different medications that he takes every day and he is still having issues. Now I'm no doctor and so I'd never make a recommendation to stop... but something inside of me makes me wonder what he would be like if he didn't take anything. Would he be better? Would he be worse? At what point does someone not need that band aide that is medication? Honestly, I would talk to the doctor about your feelings. Make sure the medications are not affecting how you think. We know they are SUPPOSED TO affect how you think... and so then we must assume that sometimes they can make you think as you should not. Please get them checked if you have not.
  5. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    It's clear that you're in a bad place right now. I've been there before, and I'll probably end up there again. I don't know what to say to make it better, because if I knew what made it better, I wouldn't be here. The only piece of advice I can give you, and this is something I've learned from my own life experience, is to never base your self worth on what other people think of you, including and especially what your parents think of you. Society seems to have this idea that parents are to always be respected, that they all love their children, that you should 'honor thy mother and father' and all of that. It's bullshit. I'll tell you right now, there are some good parents, some bad parents, a whole lot of mediocre parents, and worst of all, some downright horrible parents. There's nothing worse than being put down by your own mother or father, knowing that they're supposed to love you unconditionally more than anything else in the world, and yet they don't give a crap about you. It's an awful, awful feeling. For most of us, our entire sense of self comes from our parents. If they don't love us, how can anyone else? How can we ever possibly love ourselves?

    I'll tell you how. By realizing that nobody's parents are perfect, that they are not infallible beings, and that in many cases, the children of some parents deserve better. If your mother is treating you like crap because she wanted you to be something that you're not, that's her problem, not yours. She obviously became a mother for all the wrong reasons if she was just hoping to be able to mold and sculpt you into some little doll that she could live vicariously through. You're a human being, not an avatar for her amusement. You don't need to take that kind of abuse from anybody, not even your own so-called flesh and blood. You can't pick your family, but you can sure as hell leave them and never go back. Find somebody who is going to appreciate you for who you are. I highly doubt you are ugly, you're just perceiving yourself that way because your mother has given you a negative self image. My mother also made me feel very insecure and self conscious about myself in many ways. Even if it was true, a mother isn't supposed to make their children feel bad about themselves, ever. Hence the expression, "a face only a mother could love". Your mother is supposed to love you and think that you're beautiful even if you were the ugliest person on earth. Which, again, I highly doubt that you're even ugly in the first place. Inside OR out. I consider myself to be pretty unattractive, and maybe that's just my negative self image, or maybe it's true, but either way, I've come to accept myself in spite of that. So even if you assume that you are ugly, that's not enough reason to hate yourself. There is so much more to you, and everyone for that matter, than what you see on the outside. That ugliness you talk about on the inside, you only believe that because of the way you feel right now. If you felt better about yourself, I think you'd realize that you're not ugly on the inside OR outside.

    I'm not trying to sound like I'm giving you tired cliches and all of that, because I know hearing those stupid inspirational sayings never help anything. And I'm not saying that you're going to magically wake up one day and start feeling better, because that's not how depression works. All I'm saying is that, those negative things you think about yourself, they aren't true. They never were true. That's your mind deceiving you. Depression will do that, it will make everything seem ugly and miserable and bad, worse than it actually is. Just remember that self image is like a funhouse mirror. When you're happy and confident, it can make you appear better than you actually do. When you're depressed and consumed with self loathing, it will make you appear far worse than you actually do.

    Your mind has become your own worst enemy, and you have to fight it. Don't let it, or your mother, or anything or anyone else, trick you into thinking that you're worthless, because you're not. And if you ever pull out of this dark place, you will take a second look at yourself and realize that what I'm saying is true. You know that you were beautiful, smart, and successful before you felt this way... and that doesn't all just go away the second you start feeling depressed. Everything that you used to love about yourself is still there, you just can't see it right now.
  6. ivebeenherebefore

    ivebeenherebefore New Member

    I talk to four different cousillors because they all specialize in different things. One just helps out teenagers with sick parents,( my mother has been extremely ill), school counsillor because the teachers are worried, i go to a youth group for ran by a social worker and counsillor, and then just a psychotherapist.
  7. ivebeenherebefore

    ivebeenherebefore New Member

    And yes i have changed my anti-depressants before, its just like a never ending battle of them never working. Everything is just worse then before now.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.