I am feeling really suicidal right now. I have been talking to four different Councillor's and I'm on anti-depressants. I have honestly never felt so low then I do right now. I can't stop cutting myself because its the only thing I can feel anymore. The antis aren't working I can feel it. I'm tired, just of having to explain to everyone over and over again what is happening, or what happened. I just don't care anymore, I'm so tired. Everyone says call someone when you feel like this or talk to someone, in the middle of the night, even when you know your best friend told you no matter what I'll be there for you, at night, you're alone. These antis just make me so numb, I can't feel anything so cutting is my only escape. But I'm starting to feel again, only I feel so down. I don't even think its them that's doing it, I have felt like this before, just now its like I need to stop trying. I have been trying to be happy for so long, I see no point in it anymore. Nothing is working anymore, my fake smiles I flash everyday are still so good no one says one thing, but they feel so repulsive. I want to stop pretending I'm okay, even the people that know I'm not, they don't even notice how bad I am anymore, I'm getting so good at making them believe me. Everything if like a power drill to my heart. I don't feel real anymore, and if i do, I wish I wasn't. My mother hates me, that's no teenage view either. I have councillors telling me I was not the daughter she had wanted and hoped for so that is why I am treated the way I am. My life is not bad, I'm not perfect and I'm taking full responsibly for how bad I am feeling, for my choices and for everything, but I will never be good enough for her. Even though I know that, deep down, I feel myself rotting away because no matter how proud I am, no matter good I do, its still worth nothing to her. My family is hell. I am a 90s student who can't even pull a 50 anymore, I had to drop two courses this semester and if I pass my other two it will be a miracle. Its hard to look in the mirror when all I see is only the shell of who I once was. I remind myself of how the beauty slowly disappeared, starting secretly on the inside I became numb, unaware of how hurt I should feel after being used, played and damaged so many times. I know what its like to sit in the dark and cry my eyes out. I have thought about hurting myself, hoping the monster inside could somehow make the mask I've lived in for years a little easier on the eyes, a little more beautiful. But if I look real close, I see how have become so damn ugly. Inside and out, I'm a mess of everything I once hated, what I still hate. The people on the outside can see the bottle of lies and scars of insecurities, and the secrets I thought would keep forever, are things everyone knows. I don't know what to do anymore to make everything right, I don't have anyone else, even just one person I feel so unworthy, so alone, that the world would be better off without me, I need to die sooner. I want to kill myself because nobody else will. Writing this doesn't help it just makes me feel worse, but I still feel I should try....i guess. If anyone has any advice, help. I hate this.