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I feel so dirty and ashamed every time this happens :(

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by TooShyToScream, Apr 13, 2011.

  1. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    Can somebody please just tell me why this keeps happening?

    I'm bisexual, but I've always had boyfriends, I've never been with or done anything with a female for numerous reasons.

    I keep having dreams about women. That either I'm seeing them naked or doing something sexual with them. And it's usually people I've never even seen before in my life. I have a fiancee, he's a guy, and I'm happy with him. I don't want to be with another man or woman. But these dreams keep happening at least once a week and they make me really upset and ashamed :( I haven't told my therapist, or anyone else really, about this because it's too embarrassing.
  2. Lady Byron

    Lady Byron Well-Known Member

    I think everyone has those. I used to have dreams like that too, actually I still do. I think because it bothered u after the first time and ur thinking about it so much that it keeps recurring because its right there, bothering u. Maybe I'm wrong lol.
  3. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    That could be a likely possibility :( but I really want them to stop. Do you think there's anything I can do to stop it? And like I said, it happens way too often. Once a week or more on average.
  4. Lady Byron

    Lady Byron Well-Known Member

    Maybe talk to your therapist. I honestly think its normal and as hard as it may be to tell someone, I think if u got it off your chest, u would feel better. I know I have the same problem that when I feel embarrassed I just clam up because I don't want to be seen as "abnormal". I usually do something or think of something else as hard as it may be and after a day or two it doesn't bother me any more and then it becomes easier to dismiss.
  5. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    It can't be normal when it happens that often and bothers me that much, though. I've had dreams about women ever since I realized I was bisexual, but it was rare. I didn't like it but I just ignored it. It's only been the past few months that it's been this bad. I don't know...you probably think I'm crazy for being so bothered by this, but it's extremely upsetting for me. I guess I probably should tell my therapist. Sigh.
  6. Lady Byron

    Lady Byron Well-Known Member

    No I don't think ur crazy at all. I am the same way when something bothers me. I think its perfectly normal and that in ur head, its bothering u so much that it keeps coming out in ur dreams when u are the most relaxed.
  7. Lady Byron

    Lady Byron Well-Known Member

    Just keep ur head up, talk to ur therapist if u are up to it or someone u are close to. Heck, message me if u ever need someone to just listen! :)
  8. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    you say you're bisexual

    my question is are you ashamed of that? if not, i wouldn't worry about these dreams

    it may simply be like a young boy's dreams of having sex with women - they've never met them either but the body and the mind are imagining what it would be like

    it would probably be a bigger issue if you were dreaming and obsessing about someone you know, but what you described is pretty anonymous

    if you ARE ashamed of yourself, that would more readily explain why the dreams upset you so much

    if that's the case i think you should work with your therapist to figure out and learn to accept who you are - life is too short to spend it at war with yourself
  9. Mirikun

    Mirikun Well-Known Member

    I know how you feel. ): I actually have a boyfriend who I love very much, but I keep finding myself fantasising about girls. I just can't help it.
  10. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    I'm not ashamed of being bisexual, I'm ashamed of having sexual dreams about people who are not my fiancee. If it was men, it'd be just as bad. But it's not, it's only women. I find that fact alone extremely odd.

    I seem to be the only one who sees something wrong with this. I love him and I only want him. I agree that it would be a bigger issue if I knew the person, but it's still an issue regardless and shouldn't happen.
  11. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    sometimes dreams are just dreams.

    this doesn't mean that you don't love your fiancee

    i've been married for almost 30 years and i can tell your for a fact that my wife and myself have both had and continue to have dreams about having sex with other people - didn't mean she was going to run away with the stock box where she worked - she couldn't even stand him, but the mind works in mysterious ways
  12. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    Just to make sure, are the dreams you're having the only reason you think you're bisexual? Or do you, in the real world, actively feel sexual attraction toward other women?

    I realize you have a fiance, so I understand why you feel ashamed of the dreams you're having. But, you know, they're just dreams. They're an involuntary product of your imagination. You can't choose what you dream about (well, unless you try that lucid dreaming stuff, which never worked for me), so to feel shameful over something over which you have no control doesn't really make sense. Like others have suggested, there's really not much you can do about the dreams themselves.

    I generally dislike therapy, but it might be beneficial to explore the issue with one. It seems to be upsetting you a lot, so sharing it with a therapist out loud could be a good idea. Maybe the very act of doing that will help quell the dreams as they come out of your subconscious and into your consciousness (yes, I believe in that statement). But to just suffer every morning when you have a dream like that...that needs to stop.
  13. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    Well, if that works for you, I'm glad...but it's not something I can tolerate - from either end.
  14. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    I realized I was bisexual when I was 15. I have been attracted to women, physically and mentally before in real life. But like I said, due to several reasons, I've never tried an intimate relationship of any kind with one. But the attraction thing shouldn't happen right now when I'm with someone I love. It bothers me so severely that I can't begin to explain it. I feel so guilty and bad. I know I can't choose what I dream about, but I can't help but blame myself. It is, after all, my head that produced these visuals. Who else am I supposed to blame? I just hate myself. I hate being human.
  15. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    I want to hurt myself. Somehow, my anger about the things that I hate about myself gets projected onto other people. I was just bitchy to him for no reason because of how I feel right now. He's going to leave me eventually for being an idiot...unless I kill myself first :cry:
  16. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    this is just a dream and you're right when you say that you have no control over it

    can you think of it that way? i mean, do you also have dreams where you can fly or act like a spy or some other odd things? you're not likely to start flapping your arms or go out to buy night-vision goggles

    i do understand that this truly bothers you.

    the only other thing i can suggest is to find a therapist who can help you learn how to direct your dreams (sorry, can't remember the real name of the technique) - if you can do that then you will be able to exert control over these dream events so that you no longer have to feel ashamed or dirty
  17. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    The difference is that there's nothing morally sickening and filthy about flying or being a spy.

    It doesn't matter that I have no control over it while alive. It's still my fault for being alive and allowing it to happen. I can choose to kill myself and not think those thoughts anymore, but I'm too much of a coward. It's not my fault that all of humanity is filthy and I happen to be human, but it's my fault that I'm choosing to stay that way.

    I really should just die. I wish I had the strength to do it because I can't tolerate all this crap.
  18. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    why do you think all of humanity is filthy? because i don't agree

    and how do you define it? what makes humanity in general so bad?
  19. Oloriel

    Oloriel Well-Known Member

    I'm in a similar place as you - I am bisexual but I have never had a female partner, and I have a boyfriend who I am very happy with. There is a part of me that always feels empty, like never having loved a woman is leaving me incomplete, but I don't want to leave my boyfriend to have that experience. I love him, and it's as simple as that.

    First, I don't think you should feel ashamed for your dreams - they're not something you can control, and they certainly don't reflect on your devotion to your fiancee. Having dreams about women doesn't mean you are cheating on him, and the fact that it bothers you shows that they aren't really a manifestation of a desire to do so. However, I completely understand how it does make you feel shame.

    Are you sleeping well aside from the dreams? Maybe you could ask your psychiatrist for some sleep medication to help with them. I know mine helps with some pretty horrible nightmares I often have. You could also discuss it with your fiancee if you're comfortable with it - maybe getting it all out in the open would help to relieve your subconscious. I think that perhaps if you are able to feel less shame about it, your mind will stop retracing the same paths and producing those dreams. We often dream about things we think about too much, and since you're worrying about having these dreams, you might just be making them linger. It's just an idea, though...I don't want to sound too authoritative.
  20. TooShyToScream

    TooShyToScream Well-Known Member

    It's filthy because everything is always based on sex. You can't watch a movie or TV show anymore without having to see/hear some sort of sexual content. It's disgusting. Sex has become completely public because we can't stand to go without it. People cheat on their spouses, boyfriends, and girlfriends. There's a porn shop within every mile of most people's houses. There's no such thing as shame or morality anymore.

    Drugs are illegal because they alter your state of mind. So basically you have to tolerate everything that society puts in front of you and there's no way to get away from it because getting stoned is illegal. Public sex is what should be illegal.