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I feel so empty and alone.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by xZombiexAngelx, Feb 1, 2011.

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  1. xZombiexAngelx

    xZombiexAngelx Well-Known Member

    I'm crying out for help. I post things on facebook, hoping to catch somebodies attention. No one says a word to me.

    I just broke down. Seeing how no one cares enough to realize I need a friend is hurtful. I broke down right after I saw that my now ex best friend and his girlfriend broke up. I just lost it. I dunno why.

    I know I've loved him since we met 3 years ago, but now we don't talk anymore. I miss him. I mainly miss his laugh. His goofy attitude. The way he could make me smile when I was feeling my lowest. He's gone now. He hates me, even though I didn't do anything. It's such a long story, I'm sure no one here cares either.

    This emptiness I feel inside grows more each day. You know what hurts the most out of everything in my life? The fact that when I talk to my dad, he always seems so bothered by me. I wish we could just talk like we used to. It's so hard now. I think he hates me.

    I just want to feel alive and whole again. Otherwise, I think I may actually end up taking my life for real one of these days...
  2. Romancer

    Romancer Well-Known Member

    what happened with your best friend? can't you talk and get him back? :hug:

    it's usually the parents that feel like children hate them, you should try and rebuild your relationship with your dad, but let him now that you want to do that, so first have a serious talk. i'm sure he cares, but it could be that he is just unaware of the whole situation.
  3. xZombiexAngelx

    xZombiexAngelx Well-Known Member

    We had a fight on New Years Eve. I let it slip that I'm in love with him and he said he would date me. But then an hour later, he was back with his ex. I was pissed, so I got back with my ex too. Then we had this huge fight after I kept saying I hated his guts and all this stuff. I felt so bad. I know what he did was sort of mean, but he was still my best friend, and I miss him so much. I tried talking to him, I posted apologies on facebook every day, tried IM'ing him, emailing him, calling him. I never got a response.

    I've tried talking to my dad. I really have. Several times over the last couple years. He knows how I feel. He just really doesn't care. He prefers to do everything for his "girlfriend". I wouldn't really call her a girlfriend, but yeah. He spends all his time with her. When I want to talk to him, he'll say "What the hell do you want this time!?". Even now, I have this infection growing in my toe (ingrown toenail problem), he knows about it. When I wanna ask him questions about what I should do, he gets angry and yells at me, or he gets annoyed. So I'm just at the conclusion that he hates me and doesn't care. If he really loved me and cared, I'm sure he would be here for me.

    December 2009 I broke down at school and went to the counselor. I told the counselor everything. About my depression, suicidal thoughts, the cutting, the stuff with my dad, the stuff with the "girlfriend", I told her I was raped, I told her my uncle molested me. I told her everything there was to tell. She called my dad after sending me back to class. They talked for a while, then she came and pulled me out of English. We talked in the hall outside the classroom. My dad already knew about the cutting, he knew for years. But he played dumb when talking to her. He said he had no idea about any of this stuff. But he knew about all of it. He just didn't care. I told the counselor about him knowing it all, she said he forgot or something, or maybe he wants to pretend it didn't happen.

    So then after school he picked me up, didn't say a word about anything. Til we got almost all the way home. I said I wanted to go see a doctor to get some meds. So I ended up doing that. And then for Christmas, he took me to this huge mall a couple towns away, and I got some stuff. And we had lunch. The "girlfriend" called and interrupted every few minutes. He didn't bother turning his phone off, he just kept on answering it. That's the last time we've done anything together. Except for quick shopping trips and trips to gamestop. Other then that, we only talk when I need to ask him something, or to ask about something on the internet.

    When I was younger, we had such a great relationship. We talked all the time, I went to him for everything. Then my grandma died, and he changed. I didn't realize it until I was 8 or so.

    He never even asked me how I felt about him bringing the "girlfriend" and her son into our house. He never asked me if I needed him.

    I miss my old dad. At this point, I think I'm stuck with this one. I always have the idea that I'm gonna move away soon and then I'll never speak to him again. But then everytime I think about what it would be like to lose him, I cry. I dunno what to do.
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