I feel so guilty

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TheEnd, Feb 5, 2014.

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  1. TheEnd

    TheEnd New Member

    I'm in a motorized wheelchair, I am sick with muscular dystrophy, I almost died a few years ago, I had a girlfriend of 13 years, a job, an apartment, I worked overseas several years, after a pneumonia that nearly killed me I am now 24/7 on a respirator, I have a tracheostomy. I have a feeding tube and I have chronic pain, I'm on morphine and I also have bad chronic vertigo/nausea that make my life totally unbearable.

    I stayed in the hospital for 2 years and a half because there was no place for me to live, I could not return home as I now need 24/7 care. I nearly went insane, to this day I still need to fight the system to get the care I need and I no longer have the strength to continue fighting, just the thought of it fill me with terror.

    After the pneumonia it took me a year to recover some strength and be able to breath by myself and also to be able to eat. Against all odds I made it, I was not ready to die. And the doctors every week were asking me if I wanted them to "make me comfortable" and let me die.

    During the years I was in the hospital I had to make a complaint so they could find me a place to live, it took 2 years to settle this.

    Fast forward 2 years and I have no quality of life left, I'm now living in an old folks home, my girlfriend no longer stay with me, she got her own place, financially I am now completely broke and considered as a "retiree", if I make any money, the government will seize it to pay for the rent here, 2000$+ a month. I am in my 30s and I used to work in IT.

    The idea was to continue to improve, but for 2 years now nothing has changed, I am sick of being miserable everyday. The professionals dealing with my case have totally let me down. The 2 main issues are my vertigo and my lungs. The air is so dry here (less than 15% humidity) that it cause big problems with my secretions and lead me to choke. It gives me the feeling of drowning which is unbearable. So after a year of struggle to breath by myself I gave up as the air is too dry and it was a constant struggle to try and breath. All the progress I made is lost as the respirator now breath for me 24/7, my muscles are now too weak. And humidifiers are not allowed here, too bad for me. Giving up what was left of my lung capacity has been incredibly hard, I feel like a total failure and the injustices that are done to me, I can no longer take.

    In a few days my doctor will come and I hope I can summon the courage to ask him what he can do to help me die. I've been meaning to ask for a few months now, the words just won't come out.

    My girlfriend has stuck with me so far and I have a good family, I feel like I'm not living for myself anymore and I don't want to hurt them, this is what is hurting me the most and I feel like a total coward.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry the system is failing you hun I do not understand why such a small thing as a humidifier is not allowed if it helps your health. I am glad you have your family to support you and your gf too You are able to use the computer an excape for you yes to be able to reach out from where you are and connect to others who are also suffering .
    Is there no one to fight for YOu hun a family member can you get legal help to get you the things you need to improve your life.

    Leaving your loved ones hun that will be a very very hard thing for them but you know that they love you and you are far from being a coward h un You are very strong and courageous to fight for your rights to fight to continue to live don't let them take that fight away from you ok don't let the system win hun don't hugs
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I don't understand, as Total Eclipse said, why they wouldn't at least let you have a humidifier! Is there someone, anyone, that can help to fight for you, help you to get the help you're entitled to?
  4. Twocky61

    Twocky61 Banned Member

    Like Total Eclipse & Wild Cherry I can't understand why you are not allowed a humidifier - surely they must realise how much one would benefit you or don't they care?
  5. greenieguy

    greenieguy Banned Member

    You are strong please keep showing that strength. If you need anyone to chat with im here.
  6. Twocky61

    Twocky61 Banned Member

    Like Greenieguy same applies with me - Your situation makes mine pale into insignificance - with me it's emotional/psychological -
    tc and try to stay strong
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