i feel so hopeless

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by scarlett, May 2, 2014.

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  1. scarlett

    scarlett New Member

    hi i'm scarlett
    I've been suicidal for about a year now and I'm just tired of living like this. at this point the main thing i find exciting is planning it, and I hate that I can't talk about it to the people around me so they all have *no* idea. I really just don't wanna fuck things up for the people that know me, and like I have plans to live with someone next september and I just would hate to make her deal with my death and then have to do the work to replace me in the house. I really have no hope things will get better for myself and just wanna stop feeling all this. I'm an alcoholic and booze helps but not enough, and I keep screwing things up when i try to be social because i get too drunk or am too depressed for the situation. I have people that love me that I care about, but none of them understand that I'm literally debilitatingly depressed *every single week* because I act chipper. I know how I want to do it and whenever I think of it I get a strong compulsion to do that to myself and that compulsion won't go away for hours and in that case it's not even related to wanting to be dead it just feels like something i need to do. I've considered going to hospitals in the past but i feel very confident that'd just make it worse. i've tried waiting it out but that was no good.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi scarlett i am sorry you are feeling so low and depressed Having to wear that mask of happiness just makes things even worse i get it. Please try to talk to someone ok at your school even a counselor someone that will help you into some therapy to treatment that will decrease you sadness some hugs
  3. kilnair

    kilnair Member

    I know this feeling well. I myself struggling with it everyday. Sometimes I remember it has been far to0 long that I have ignore it. The call for the end is always screaming in my ears. I tried to my hardest to find like minded individuals who share my feeling...not an easy thing to do.
    Though the thing about it is this. Suicide is an ugly beast that simply does not care who gets hurt in the process. From the sound of your post you seem like a person that deeply cares and is cognitive of one's actions actions. People will get hurt deeply no matter what you say or do. Specially parents. Do reach out please
  4. scarlett

    scarlett New Member

    thank you both very much. yea, i guess figure out who i could reach out too. like i'm not close to my parents and my mom gets so sad whenever i tell her i'm not happy. and the other people in my life just are dealing with enough stuff and don't have time to help me out with my stuff. i don't even know how someone could help me out :/ i guess i will have a doctors appointment soon and I could talk to her, but i'll have to lie entirely about my suicidal-ness because i don't wanna be taken away. but yeah thank you both for responding so nicely, I really appreciate it
  5. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    Talking is always a good option. It really helps. Think positive, that's what I've been told by the only person I've ever trusted. Think of something nice and good, and the pain will go away, even if it's just for a short time.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi hun, I really believe it would make things better if you told someone around you how you are feeling. Maybe you are scared of the reaction? I really don't know. Maybe even try a completely confidential line like the samaritans, they are awesome. Good luck to you xx

    EDIT: I have just read your reply up further, you won't be taken away for being depressed, so maybe start with the doctor by saying you're feeling down? No-one could lock you up on those grounds.
  7. scarlett

    scarlett New Member

    Hi again,
    Thank you so much for the kind replies, I really appreciated them. i'm sorry i didn't respond sooner, i think i needed to take some time to think stuff through.

    Petal: yeah thank you that's a good idea about talking to my doctor at least about being depressed first. i sorta have before, but all she could do was give me the good advice to see a therapist which i haven't taken. i may consider seeing a therapist at some point but lol that's another thing that scares me. i've never done confidential lines because i don't even know what i'd say most of the time, and i'm better at the internet anyway :/

    My situation has changed some more, in some ways for the better and in some ways for the worse. to be quite honest earlier in this year i put a lot of my depressive feelings off because I told myself they didn't matter because i had loose plans to kill myself in july or august, so, i think these months are going to be very hard. i've had many days that i've wanted to already in the last weeks, but luckily i'm also more busy because i have a (bad) job (but a time commitment that keeps my head occupied all the same). i have been somewhat scared that i would actually do it, but i'm fighting it because i don't want to put my housemates or friends or family through that.

    i've sorta continued to lose friends at a consistent rate. but i did get to reconnect with one old friend, so that's good. i am kind of happy when people stop talking to me because its one less person who will have to deal with being my friend. because i had been unsure whether i would make it or not, it's also been hard to make new friends because i don't want to put more people through the pain of dealing with my depressiveness and potentially my death. so like i think if i do make it past these months i might be better off than before because i will have to plan for myself living again.

    i'm trying to think of ways out of this pattern. i finally got my health insurance fixed up so i have a doctors appointment on august 8th. i am considering whether i should get on anti-depressants or not. as i mentioned above, i am very worried because i have been genuinely planning to kill myself multiple times in the last weeks, and I've heard that anti-depressants can be very dangerous for suicidal people at least in the first month. again, i'm afraid to get my doctor's opinion on this because i think if she was aware of *how* suicidal i am i'd get hospitalized (lol it's something i'm always afraid of, clearly).

    but thank you again so much for reading this. i'm trying hard right now. and i will try to make updates in this thread because i know i said some potentially nerve-wracking things :/

     thanks for reading
  8. drago888

    drago888 New Member

    hihi scarlett, try seeing the therapist and don't hide anything from them after you are comfortable with him/her.
    if you don't feel comfy talking with him/her, change another therapist.
    btw, they are bounded by code of ethics that they can't share your info to others without your consent. thus you don't have worry about other getting to know about it.

    make more friends. but don't talk negative stuffs with those you are not close to.
    it will open up your perspective in life and when you feel so alone, they might help you out of the cycle.
    i can sense that you are not those loner types like me. (who enjoy been alone and have no friends)

    try doing more things, maybe some volunteering.
    will keep you occupied and get to know more friends.

    think about those peeps that you don't want to hurt thus don't ever tried suicide.
    if you need someone to talk to, you can email me at drago888@gmail.com.
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