hi i'm scarlett I've been suicidal for about a year now and I'm just tired of living like this. at this point the main thing i find exciting is planning it, and I hate that I can't talk about it to the people around me so they all have *no* idea. I really just don't wanna fuck things up for the people that know me, and like I have plans to live with someone next september and I just would hate to make her deal with my death and then have to do the work to replace me in the house. I really have no hope things will get better for myself and just wanna stop feeling all this. I'm an alcoholic and booze helps but not enough, and I keep screwing things up when i try to be social because i get too drunk or am too depressed for the situation. I have people that love me that I care about, but none of them understand that I'm literally debilitatingly depressed *every single week* because I act chipper. I know how I want to do it and whenever I think of it I get a strong compulsion to do that to myself and that compulsion won't go away for hours and in that case it's not even related to wanting to be dead it just feels like something i need to do. I've considered going to hospitals in the past but i feel very confident that'd just make it worse. i've tried waiting it out but that was no good.