i feel so lost...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by alittleoverdose, Jun 19, 2008.

  1. alittleoverdose

    alittleoverdose New Member

    i don't know. everything just seems to be falling apart. it started my junior year of highschool. my whole life i've felt shifted between two families. when i finally moved out of my mom's house (we fought ALL the time) i thought things would get better, but they got worse. my dad was divorcing my step mom and started drinking heavily. i was the one who had to deal with it all and take care of him. to make matters worse he still loved her so she continued living with us even though she was dating another guy. then he dumped her and she and my dad got back together which made everything awful for me. she hated me because i called her out so she would manipulate my dad into arguing with me and i still resent him for putting her before me like that. i'm his kid for christ's sake! that's when i started using and cutting. the only people i had in the whole world were my boyfriend and my best friend, but those relationships were all screwy because i have borderline personality disorder. i'm just too broke to pay for therapy. my dad's and my relationship got worse until he finally threw me out. i lived in a car my senior year of high school. then i moved in with my boyfriend, but we were so young and his parents weren't comfortable with me staying there. i had to leave so i swallowed my pride and called my mom. my step dad hates me so i wasn't welcome to live in her house and i moved in with my grandmother. i was supposed to quit using but i was so depressed about the move i couldn't. anymore, it's the only thing that makes me happy. my grandmother couldn't take it so she threw me out too. i had to sleep in my mom's car because i couldn't stay in the house. i was working two jobs and i finally got my apartment. but my jobs weren't paying the bills. i had to start stripping (which i absolutely hate) to support myself. that made me more depressed so i started drinking heavily as well as using. i ended up getting evicted which was totally my fault for being so stupid. i moved into my friend's house and slept on her couch. during all of this i was sleeping around because i was so desperate for closeness but i hate myself too much to get involved with someone. while i was living with my friend i hooked up with one of the bouncers at the club i was working at and we really hit it off. i ended up moving in with him after about a week. which was an awful idea because we barely knew each other. that was 4 months ago. we've been arguing constantly. he got fired so i've been supporting us and i really resent him for it. i hate my job and i still have to go and let men degrade me so i can pay our bills. coupled with the BPD i keep switching between hating him and loving him. so when i feel like i hate him i write in my livejournal to get it out of my system without hurting him. and of course he read it. now he's furious with me. he won't even look at me. i tried to explain to him about the BPD but he won't listen. and i totally understand why. i messed up really bad and i don't know how to fix any of this. i'm 19 years old and i hate my life. i feel like every time i take a step forward i take two back. i'm tired of waking up every morning wishing i had died in my sleep. i don't know what to do anymore. i keep cutting and starving myself and now i just want to give up. i want this to all be over. i don't want to try anymore. i just feel so alone and so lost. like there's no one in my corner. i've managed to destroy every meaningful relationship i've ever had and i feel like i'm doomed to continue this cycle and die alone. i'm so tired. and i'm too much of a coward to actually end it. because i have this crazy stupid hope things are going to get better. and they never do. everyday something new and awful happens and i can't take much more. everytime i cut i fantasize about just opening my veins instead. i just really need things to get better. i can't do this much longer...
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am sorry things have gone so poorly for you. I hope you have been able to get away from the drugs and alcohol because in truth they only make things worse. If you have been able to keep your head above water supporting the two of you then maybe it is time you strike out on your own. You also need to get help for your BPD. I know there are programs available to help low income people in the US with food, housing, and medical assistance. Look into these programs. It doesn't mean you have to become dependent on them, but utilize them until you can get on your feet.
  3. Lady Byron

    Lady Byron Well-Known Member

    hey there. i unfortunately know about the cutting thing and thinking that everything will get better and then it gets shittier. i don't really know what to say other than i know how you can feel crazy living with BPD 'cause my cousin lives with it too. it screws her up really badly and makes everyone around her feel crazy because she's always up and down. if you ever need someone to listen, i'll be here. PM me anytime you need someone to talk to. take care. :hug: