I feel so much better, I finally know what I am going to do.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ryanglander, Jan 17, 2010.

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  1. ryanglander

    ryanglander Well-Known Member

    I have realized this: I know what I have to do to fix my problems. I am going to kill myself. Its not even a question anymore, its just a matter of when.

    I just never felt this releived before, I am not afraid to die anymore, I have found the perfect "drug cocktail" that puts me into a state that allows me to kill myself.

    I feel like the weight of the world has lifted off my shoulders, I read dying is a wonderful experience, your brain fills with endorphins (painkillers) just before you die. I'm not going to kill myself today, or tommorow. In fact not for these next few months. Why? My house is undergoing "construction" and I won't be alone long enough to do my plan. I can't rent a hotel room and risk a manager comming the room because they have an extra key.

    Right now I just feel - happy.

    I don't know if I'll be on here as much or at all. I just don't have a reason to be, my mind has a decision. It is unfortunate I am not allowed to express my opinion on here on certain topics, however that is part of my acceptance of problems that (for all practical purposes) cannot solved.
  2. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    i hope in the next several months you will reconsider.
  3. Silent Angel

    Silent Angel Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you're happy, but it's the wrong kind of happy. Keep coming on here and talking, you need to. You need to realize and you shouldn't kill yourself. There are people that care about you and would miss you. Your death would affect many others. Maybe you should speak with a professional, get your thoughts all straightened out about this.
  4. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    you look like you're in control of yourself regardless of your thoughts. just keep posting. I really hope things change for you.
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    No no control his mind is so distorted he believes his thoughts are correct but they are not . You are just in a different stage of depression i have been there and it is great for awhile but sooner or later you have to come up for air
    You need to talk with someone who can give you clarity who can tell you just where the hell you are at because right now you don't have it straight.
    talk to a professional soon okay do what is right for people around you take care.
  6. ryanglander

    ryanglander Well-Known Member

    I think sometimes, there are cases, where people are better off dead. The national suicide rate is almost 2% in fact its probably higher then that.

    For every one of those suicides there are even more attempts at a factor at least greater then 10.

    I have last year decided I cannot live for myself. I lived to take of my dad. Since he died I have collected my thoughts and can see that I have not made a bad decision to die. My thoughts have evolved, I feel much better then I used to and looking at this almost through clairvoyance I can see so clearly like I never have before. That death while tragic must happen, and amoung the rights an individual has of which no government can take away are life, liberty and persuit of happiness.

    I do not wish to persue happiness, nor life anymore. What is left?
  7. ryanglander

    ryanglander Well-Known Member

    Its not like I am doing this impulsively with a gun, this has been in my mind for almost a year, and now that I have everything I need (minis the last ingredident to a perfectly planned suicide) I can move forward and hope that my thoughts about death are wrong.

    I will have to wait a while to kill myself still (in order to ensure no one will "rescue" me). I will not count down the days it only makes it worse, but I will wait, and wait. I'm ready and never felt more certain about anything in my entire life.
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Again you need to get help as i said your depression is so deep you can't see clearly get help get new meds get new therapy but what you are doing is enjoying the feeling now and it is not right. go get help to get on with your life to get in a better place so others do not suffer People here will suffer you know that suicide kills more than just you
  9. Silent Angel

    Silent Angel Well-Known Member

    It is a bad decision. Suicide is the worst decision out there. As they all say, its a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You need to get the help that this requires. Think about your dad, would he want you to do this just because the last thing holding you together was him?
  10. ryanglander

    ryanglander Well-Known Member

    I'm very mad at my dad. I can't say I would hold his opinion in high regard.
  11. Silent Angel

    Silent Angel Well-Known Member

    Why are you mad at him?
  12. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    If you did not care about you dad you would not be angry. Your anger shows you care about him and what happens. Do what is right don't leave it too long go call get some help so you and your dad can connect in a positive way when you are strong you can help others.
  13. ryanglander

    ryanglander Well-Known Member

    My dad is dead...

    The reason many people don't seek therapy isn't because they don't want to get better or reduce their pain, but because they don't beleive it will work. And there is justification to that.

    Its kinda wierd I've had so much anxiety on whether to live or die. And then when I would think about dieing I would experience terror. But now, I know that theres nothing I can do, I will die eventually. And I know have to kill myself. Its just such releif. All the pain will end, I can't wait, but I will have too.

    Why do we encourage people not to commit suicide? Death is such a wonderful thing.
  14. Silent Angel

    Silent Angel Well-Known Member

    You will die eventually, but don't let that be because of suicide. Don't think a professional won't help, because it might. Give it a try.

    But, people killing themselves is NOT a wonderful thing.
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