I have realized this: I know what I have to do to fix my problems. I am going to kill myself. Its not even a question anymore, its just a matter of when. I just never felt this releived before, I am not afraid to die anymore, I have found the perfect "drug cocktail" that puts me into a state that allows me to kill myself. I feel like the weight of the world has lifted off my shoulders, I read dying is a wonderful experience, your brain fills with endorphins (painkillers) just before you die. I'm not going to kill myself today, or tommorow. In fact not for these next few months. Why? My house is undergoing "construction" and I won't be alone long enough to do my plan. I can't rent a hotel room and risk a manager comming the room because they have an extra key. Right now I just feel - happy. I don't know if I'll be on here as much or at all. I just don't have a reason to be, my mind has a decision. It is unfortunate I am not allowed to express my opinion on here on certain topics, however that is part of my acceptance of problems that (for all practical purposes) cannot solved.