I knew this weekend would be bad...and in hindsight I guess I should have found an excuse so stay home. I just feel so sick. Yesterday I nearly threw up having to get close to the school where I was bullied and sexually abused. I shivered violently, had tears in my eyes and if I hadn't turned around when I did I would have thrown up right there on the sidewalk. Coming back to my mother's house with the dog I had to pretend like nothing ever happened. And it was killing me inside. I know 'normal' people would run to their mother for comfort out of natural instinct... and with me it's the exact opposite... And again... that hurt me so bad inside. I felt it physically grab my heart and squeeze. Having to smile when she asked me out of habit "Did you have a good walk?" (which actually just means if the dog got to do his business). I lied and told her yeah, bit chilly but fine. He did what he was supposed to... It got even worse when she later asked me a few things about therapy... she honestly doesn't know that she's done anything wrong. (in her eyes she did all she could to raise a strong daughter... but it was the bullying in school that hurt me). I lied and told her I was seeing the therapist because of the bullying... and we ended up talking for a while about it... (she doesn't know that I was sexually abused at school... that happened after I realized the grownups didn't care). I really wanted to change the subject... but I was surprised she actually seemed a bit angry about the teachers always saying that they had such sympathy for the main bully (he was abnormally short)... and she was also angry that they kept their idea that it was a "Bullying free school" and that they interpreted it as if we see no bullying and don't call it that, we have no bullying! But yeah... she also made sure to remind me that it was probably the bullies who had it hardest when they grew up, having to live with the regret... again trying to deny that it hurt me as bad as it actually did. I told her that I sent anonymous the letter to the school, telling them what happened to me. (again I left out that I also wrote about the abuse I suffered at home, which no one 'saw' either.) And also what it meant for me today as a 26 year old woman. How I struggle with anxiety, depression, self harm, self loathing, being unable to trust people... having such a hard time with relations and relationships... how I am often close to homelessness because I can't find work, also as a result of all of this hell... how I tried to kill myself over 100 times since I was 9 years old... and thought about it so many more times... again I only gave my mum the light version of this... I kept it to "how I struggle with stuff... and how I sometimes get depressed..." My mum knows I am suicidal... and she doesn't really bother. She just dismisses it... she keeps saying if I get a job it will all go away. This morning I helped mum get the last things done... she spared me because of my sprained wrist (though I did feel that it bothered her). And then I knocked over a glass sugar bowl by accident and it shattered. I was about to cry already... remembering what an accident like that would have made her do to me when I was a kid... I was shivering and tried to clean it up on bare feet... and yeah I was triggered to selfharm. I didn't though. A while later I asked her if I could have 5 minutes of privacy, I even asked her twice to be sure it was okay. She told me yes... and I told her I needed to fill in some papers from my therapist. I did, I have to scale certain emotions and triggers and whether or not I acted on them every night, and I had not done it last night. Just as I was trying to fill out the last plot on the schedule she yelled at me to come and do something. I called back calmly. "Can I get 5 seconds? I only need to write one word" but she kept on... and it was something that could wait a few minutes at least. I exploded when she kept on pressuring me. It's triggering enough to have to rate "on a scale of one to ten, how suicidal did you feel" etc... and she yelled at me just as I had to make notes about what had happened yesterday... I shocked myself actually. I yelled at her, perhaps loud enough for the entire town to hear "I ASKED FOR 2 MINUTES!!" and I just started crying and couldn't stop. I had to help her with the little thing with tears streaming down my face... and I had to joke it off, hoping she would move on too and not punish me for lashing out. Today I had to smile and giggle my way through an intimate family Birthday dinner in 'my' honour... I had to worry about one of the guests sons name even being brought up... because when I was 4 the boy molested me sexually. And my mother caught him in the act... and she can't see how that's an issue now. The boy was only brought up once... but apparently (to my luck, sorry to say) it's one of the times the father doesn't feel like talking much about him... the son get's up to many things and has often hurt his father's feelings. I got a bit of attention when I was unwrapping presents, I got money like I asked for and some other household things... food and snacks mostly. No one barely noticed me blowing out the candles... like always, my Birthday is an excuse for my mum to see her friends and our tiny closest family to gather. I feel like they wouldn't notice if I left. Last I visited a chatroom I haven't visited in ages... I brought my laptop for staying at my mum's place. And I decided to visit that room... it's a sort of 'dating' thing... and I met a lot of my old friends there. It was so sweet how so many remembered me. One of my exes was even there... we never met in real life... (mostly because I faked my identity and country... and only after he was surprising me and telling me he booked a plane ticket to come see me could I tell him the truth. Poor man... We broke as friends, but that became a bit awkward too... he was old enough to be my dad. And I was younger than his youngest daughter...). But it was so lovely to see him. And that he even wanted to say hello after all that mess... It's 5 years ago now. I was an even bigger mess back then. But I also met someone else from my past on that site... one of the many men I allowed to verbally abuse me and control me. I should have blocked him. But in a way I felt like I needed it. I needed something to take away the pain I felt. And it only made me feel worse. It's 'just' words I guess... but it made me feel sick and dirty after. I just want to stay in bed forever... I don't want to get up again. In the morning I have to get up early and go to a meeting with my job consultant (which I feel pretty hopeless about, and she's most likely just going to be mad at me for not answering her call last week...) and then I have to go to a back specialist later... one that is supposed to help me deal with my pains. I just don't want to. I don't want to leave my flat. My anxiety is pretty bad right now.