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I feel so small...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by KittyGirl, Aug 10, 2010.

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  1. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    I really hate posting.
    I feel like I'm being whiny... -__-
    I guess I'm looking for some level of distraction so that I don't do it.
    I'm pretty sure I'm going to do it tonight- and properly this time.

    just don't want to be here anymore. things are too hard and I don't think I'm healing. I don't think I'll ever heal... I'm scared I'll be a crazy hermit like my dad was for 10 years or maybe like my grandmother; for the past 35 years.
    instability runs in the family... there's no sense in running from it.
    I'm losing my mind - I've got no idea who I even am anymore. there's no point in continuing.
  2. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi kittygirl. Sorry to hear that you're suffering so badly. You know there's really nothing wrong with being a hermit and enjoying the peace and quiet of being alone. It's true that mental illness can run in families, but you can rise above it. Please don't give up. :hug:
  3. boo

    boo Well-Known Member

    Hey, keep on posting. I enjoy reading your posts. Some can be quite funny, i like your sense of humor (guilty of reading your diary.. :unsure: ). Don't think too much of what people say, you're not being whiny.
    I understand sometimes you can be overwhelmed by alot of things. Which can drive you to think irrationally. I'm going through the same and sometime (well most of the time) i really want to end it. But i do know talking in here can help a great deal. Try to find someone who can listen to you. There's bound to be someone who will be more than happy to listen to you.
  4. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    How are you this morning?

    If you don't want to be those things then if you keep fighting, you will get to a place where you are not. What you are doing, however, is worrying about an unknown future, so I would also say that Mindfulness may help to ease your anxiety about that (there's a link about it in my sig) because it brings you back to the present.

    I hope when you wake up things are not as intolerable for you.
  5. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    I walked out to the bluffs last night and just stood there, thinking about jumping off.
    Obviously I didn't.
    I have a friend who had fallen from them as a child and he was totally fine.
    It didn't seem like a surefire plan at all.

    I did want to though.

    I just feel so embarrassed around people. I know everyone is laughing at me for some reason and it's freaking me out.
    I just want to be 'normal'. I want to be able to go out and be in public and have friends and a job, but I fucking can't.

  6. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I'm very glad you didn't jump off. Whatever reason kept you here is a good one.

    'Normal' doesn't exist, so you're striving for something you won't achieve. How about aiming for something like happy?

    I guess the question is, do you laugh at other people like that? Are you judgemental of people in that way? If you are, then I can somewhat understand your fear of people judging you. If, however, you are not judgemental and don't laugh at people, why would people, especially 'everyone' be laughing at you? What proof do you have that they are doing this?

    Do you have any professional support?
  7. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    no, I am not a judgemental person-- not of other people; but myself. I hate everything about myself and I pretty much have felt the same way since I was a small child.

    People do laugh at me. I don't think their intention is to hurt me-- mostly it is good natured and I should be able to laugh at myself too but I can't. It hurts me alot and I really am not the kind of person who can just let insults of character or personal appearance 'slide off my back'.
    I'm sure it's my horrible self esteem, but each time someone takes a shot at me it damages me severely and I just can't do it.

    I am very good at seeing people for their good aspects. Looks, personality, abilities - everyone other than me seems to be so special and so beautiful and I'm just a shriveled up, ugly person.

    I do have several sources of professional help.
    I've been provided with a social aid worker whom I speak with once every week - a therapist who I see once every two weeks - a GP who I see every other month for my physical and mental health problems.

    I'm just too weak from trying to live and being shoved to the ground so many times.
    I know life is supposed to be hard-- there'd be no point if it were easy; but I'm just not a strong enough person to keep on trying. I tried; I really tried. I didn't even care about money or 'fame' or owning anything material or having a great fucking job-- all I ever wanted was love. I had it and now I'll never have it again and I really really hate myself for not focusing on something that would leave my heart intact even when I lost it. I really fucking hate myself. I find no pleasure in any of the things I used to like. I've gotten even more awkward and unable to communicate with people and I can't even provide for myself anymore. If I can't take care of myself then that's it.
    I have lost the game. that's it, really.
  8. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you are so harsh on yourself. You're definitely not alone there though. I would bet that the majority of people are harsher on themselves than on others. I think that means that when you'r eout and about and 'everyone' is laughing at you, they aren't really, they are far too focused on themselves and their issues. Essentially, for the majority of people (i.e. those who don't know you personally), you are just a face in the crowd, nothing more, nothing less.

    I'm sorry when people do that to you it hurts. Who are they? Friends? Family? Strangers?

    I think sometimes its worth looking at their intent. Like did they say/do that to hurt you, or did they say/do it for another reason. I underatand it all hurts, but sometimes looking from a different perspective can help (i.e., being aware that maybe they didn't mean to upset you). If these are people you know then I would urge you to try and talk to them about this if you haven't already because I'm sure they wouldn't want to hurt you and may not even realise it does. If they did, they may well try and control what they say.

    What happened to the love you had? Why do you think you will never have it again?

    I really do hear how wretched you feel right now and how things seem overwhelming. Could you talk to those professionals you see and see if there is anything they can do to help when you're in crisis?
  9. johnnysays

    johnnysays Well-Known Member

    If you were teased as a youth growing up that might explain some of the self-consciousness. I remember being in school... getting teased for stupid things, constantly, year after year after year. It made me panic every time i was at school. I hyper analyzed everything and never found any peace. It was like a war zone. If you're aiming not to be self-conscious in life, that's a terrible way to start.

    Did you get teased when you were growing up? I had a therapist years ago tell me that the brain doesn't switch off properly after you come out of school into the world. The brain still thinks you're in school and that every person could be a potential teaser or bully. This isn't the case for everyone, but for some people it's. For them, they have to train themselves to relax. Sometimes they use medications.

    Kind of like this:

    When I first read that, I had to blink a couple times. So similar... Makes me shiver a little bit even (sorry to be dramatical).

    The difference is that being teased is not life-threatening. It's not PTSD (PTSD is war related). However, after reading that article a while ago I found many remarkable similarities. So I saved the link. No offense to soldiers suffering from PTSD.

    I know that about now I'm sounding like a whiner. I'm just trying to understand why you're self-conscious.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 11, 2010
  10. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    I know very well that the root of my low self-esteem is from being tormented when I was a young developing mind. That is why it has proven to be virtually impossible to heal and become a confident person - my brain is just trained to believe what people had been telling me all along. I know it's probably not true, or right for me to believe it--- but I believe it nonetheless.

    I was harassed and beaten up on a daily basis from pre-school until grade 4, when I put another kid in the hospital after he shoved me in a mud puddle and called me the 'daughter of a penny *****'- then was laughed at (literally- kids pointing and laughing) by about 20 other schoolmates. After I "went nuts"; as other kids thought- they stopped touching me and switched their harassment to being behind my back, constant whispers that I've become a bit paranoid about. I didn't have a single 'friend'- no one to sit with on the bus or eat lunch with until grade 9.
    I-to this day- believe that people are still whispering at me and pointing and laughing at me behind my back. I's horrifying. I'm not sure if I'm going insane when I *think* I am hearing people whispering and directing insults towards me in tones that they think I'm not able to hear.
    It was that way until I graduated from highschool.

    Somehow I was well liked and fairly popular in college. It really shocked me that people seemed to only have good things to say to/about me! Strange!
    Unfortunately; due to financial problems and my boyfriend having trouble with his job-- I quit college and got a job.
    I quit college 3/4 through my first year--- paid for the whole year with my own money; contributed to rent every month- bought groceries every week, cooked, cleaned, did my work, worked in films and for what?

    I've lost all of my self esteem, I've lost the one person that I had disregarded a college education for- thinking that we would get married and have babies instead; and I've lost my menial job- my only source of income.

    I just feel like I'll never get better.
    Everyone else can change and get better and do whatever they put their minds to--- but my mind isn't strong enough to be 'put to' anything. I'm always going to be alone and regretting EVERY DECISION I EVER MADE.

    That is how I feel.

    As for the comparison of low-self esteem from childhood trauma to general PTSD; I agree completely.
    I've been through severe PTSD twice in my life. Both after being physically assaulted by a person whom I had trusted; as a teen.
    The only difference I feel... is that I knew that the situation was not normal and I removed myself from it.
    I could heal from being beaten; I could forgive my attacker, I could get a bit stronger and forget the incident as a teenager-- but I can't heal from the damage that's been afflicted to me as a child; before I could recognize that I was a victim and that things were not supposed to be that way.

    My "relationships" with other kids were not healthy. I didn't know that they weren't healthy because no one ever told me they weren't. No one else-- no adults were around to see the damage that was being done, and to tell me that I didn't have to put up with it. I lived through being beaten on a daily basis and being called horrible names; getting my hair pulled and gum stuck in my hair and clothes-- having my lunch thrown in the trash and being laughed at- coming home and collapsing; exclaiming that I hated myself and I was a horrible, ugly person and I wished I was never born- every day.
    I still believe all of those things about myself.
    Because they were set in my brain for so long - SO long, I believe them.
    I can't believe the possibility that I might not be a horrible, ugly person that no one wants. It just does not compute.
  11. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    You are a beautiful and caring person kitty. You have to truly understand that. I know that kids can be really mean when they are young, because I was bullied in Elementary school too. But I knew then and now that they are really a bunch of losers and what they said and did was because they were insecure and needed to feel like they were big. You need a warm hug. :hug:
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