I feel so trapped! Constant pain, but can end it due to my kids!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by James5706, May 9, 2016.

  1. James5706

    James5706 SF Supporter

    I have severe medical conditions/Injuries that have left me in constant pain. If it's not severe pain in my lower back, it's severe nerve pain in my hips, groin, behind my knees and down the backs of my lower legs. I find it hard to deal with. I'm only in my mid 40's yet my ability to get about matches that of an 80-90 year old!! Over the years it has dragged me down mentally and physically. I take allsorts of strong meds like morphine and Fentanyl. I've researched this and tried and had support from groups I've taken part in as best I could.
    I tried suicide several times, some 15+ years ago, when I was very mentally unstable, and it was before my back problems and surgeries to try and fix the problem had started, and the chronic pain had started. The reason I feel trapped is I can't end my life due to the hurt I would cause my children and wife. I love them more than anything in the world, And having been in Law Enforcement, I know the pain suffered by those who are left behind. I think they may learn to live with it eventually.....? After all, I'm only a burden to my wife for instance for many reasons. To name but a few, I'm no use when it comes to helping her with the physical work I used to do around the house and garden. Watching her pressure clean the patio, then mow our lawns, is so demoralising and depressing for me. The trouble is If I ended my life, I just can't be sure they would get over it and move on in life ok. Especially my daughter, who is mentally fragile, and already takes anti-depression tablets. I'm just physically and mentally worn out by the physical pain, and the rest of the misery that comes with it. Being miserable and dragging my wife down, protesting when the kids ask for some help with something, when all I want to do is lye down and ease the pain. I recently went on a Psychological course, on how to deal with the constant drain being in constant pain causes. Clearly it didn't work! I constantly wish a terminal illness would strike me down, or hope I get involved in a road crash. I understand that's the easy way out. But the last few days have really taken there toll on me.......
    Anyway, that's enough bleating about my problems.....
  2. mark1976

    mark1976 Member

    For reasons (some similar, some different) I'm in the same boat, don't want to do it because of the effect it will have on my mum. I've been to pain management sessions for problems I have, that said you are dealing with so much. Lots of what you said rings true in my life, if you can get through the next week then so can I, I think. Please keep in touch.
  3. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I'm really sorry to hear about your problems, I can completely understand why you feel the way you do.

    Have you been to a pain clinic?

    I can understand that you feel that you aren't doing enough; but I think it's amazing your family is supporting you. What can you do? There must be some things that you can do around the house, it may take more time, and maybe you need to sit down? Would looking into that help you?
    I suffer from chronic pains myself, and I know how frustrating it can be. I try to find ways to manage my days and the work around the house...

    Have you had any other therapy than pain therapy? Maybe it could do you good. Chronic illness can really take it's toll on ones mental health.

    Please take care of yourself, and try to get some more help. *hugs*
    mark1976 likes this.
  4. James5706

    James5706 SF Supporter

    Thanks for the replies folks.
    I've been on 2 psychological courses, designed to help with my mental health, and dealing with chronic pain on a day to day basis, and the depression that usually goes with it.
    I have the urge to end my life on a regular basis, but manage to keep my mind busy. But the urges are strong and cause me huge anxiety, and make me feel sick. I do some small things around the house when I'm feeling able, but only minor stuff like hovering the lounge, or wiping over the kitchen worktops.
    It's not that I feel depressed. Or if I am, it's not severe. I think?? I just feel my life is a miserable one, and I don't want to continue with it any more. Maybe there's something after this life, that will see my health right itself? But even if that were true, it comes back to not wanting to hurt my family. Especially my children. My dad was a drunk and used to physically fight with my mum regularly. He died when I was about 12. And despite him not being a particularly good father or husband, it still screwed my head up for a long time, when he died. Hence not wanting my children to go through the same.
    The problem just keeps going round and round in my mind. It can be very mentally draining.
    Anyways, thanks for the replies...
    mark1976 likes this.
  5. lightning05

    lightning05 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you are going through this. I used to work at a nursing home and a man who was around 45 years old developed early onset Alzheimer's and ended up living there. He was a highly intelligent man who unfortunately lost his "brain" way too early. I guess the silver lining I am trying to make of your situation is that even though you feel depressed and anxious and have the physical pain, at least you still know who you are and can recognize your family and see/feel their love and support. With that being said, I also have to say that I have no idea what it is like to be in your shoes but am trying to help with the positives.

    From what you said, you care about your family so much that it is stopping your from harming yourself. I hope you can really hang on to that. After I attempted about 5 years ago I reached out to family and friends about my depression and now whenever I want to remove myself from this world I think about them and how much they've supported me. But you are right, it is mentally draining and sometimes you think that they will eventually get over it. Have you ever considered talking to a therapist one on one instead of taking a course? This way you can get individual attention that you need and deserve and it may help you work through your issues.

    Good luck and please hang in there!
  6. afterlifepig

    afterlifepig Well-Known Member

    i also want to kill myself (so i can stop being an ugly troll) but stay alive for my parents' sake, especially my mother's. i have hobbies to keep me going, and i plan on doing some stuff with my father when he officially retires. but my situation isn't as bad as yours either, with chronic pain. in my time here i've seen a couple people who want out of life because of pain issues, so it seems like a hard problem. i can only offer my sympathy, and say, try to keep fighting the good fight!
    James5706 likes this.
  7. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hey James, I emphasize with your situation, I live with chronic pain physical and mental. Physical I'll deal with, I have no choice now I committed to get off my prescribed pain meds because of how they deadened my feelings and made me feel. The mental pain bothers me, it makes me feel weak and less of a man, I'm 64 raised in Scotland, men don't have that........that's the mindset I grew up with. You don't show emotion, you bite the bullet and do what has to be done.....your a man. I understand. James.....your a man....a cop, this is like ripping that part of you away and all you believe and stand for with it. I believe your a good man too, a good husband, father and citizen. You said one thing that makes me know you'll go on no matter how much you suffer, you won't hurt your wife and you won't hurt your daughter.
    You know this would devastate them. Have you spoken straight up with your wife, being totally honest with your feelings, what you want to do? I bet she loves you with all her heart and would give anything to keep you around.
    You need to stay my brother. You need to be the man you've always been......even with the pain.
    I'm not a religious man, but I believe in prayer and honor, I send prayer to you James, I know you already have Honor.
    Bless you
    James5706 and mark1976 like this.
  8. Raphael1

    Raphael1 Well-Known Member

    i understand you are in physical pain. But to have a wife and daughter that needs you. Some people like me will never get that. It isn't just about your pain. take some pain meds. I'm sorry but to someone like me, it sounds so ungrateful. Life doesn't have to be such misery. <mod edit> Life is short there is no point ending it premature, it's so demoralizing to family when someone kills them self on purpose. I would rather be in constant pain and have a daughter and wife that needed me. Then just alone where no-one cares if you die. So you are actually better off than a lot of people ok. The problem with depression is not due to circumstances, it's a brain imbalance or a mental deficiency which circumstances can trigger. If you cure yourself inside, with your mental health. You can be immune to your circumstances. I'm not speaking from a sheltered life either. Most people that went through what I have been through would be dead. So I have a right to say this.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 12, 2016
  9. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Depression can be caused by many things... it can be a chemical imbalance, but it can also be triggered by circumstances. Telling someone they're "better off than you" only serves to invalidate how they feel, which is something nobody has the right to do.
    James5706 likes this.
  10. James5706

    James5706 SF Supporter

    Raphael - I have 2 close family members that are currently going through terminal cancer, and their final months of life. The one member is very close to me, and was the dad I never had. He's a very proud man, due the era he grew up in. However, he confides in me. I will always be there for him, no matter how stressful and upsetting it is... However, it comes at an enormous cost to me . He doesn't confide in his friends as their from era of having the "stiff upper lip", and getting on with it. It doesn't help that his wife comes from a family that NEVER, EVER let their feelings be known. And never offer physical or emotional support. He tells me the truth in confidence, so I can't talk to his wife or any other family member either, as I've given him my word that I would tell no-one....
    I see him every other day. I tell him I'm here for him, no matter what! He laughs it off but on occasions he does cry (more a case of shedding a silent tear) and tells me he has no support emotionally, or physically from his wife. I find the same with my wife.... He tells me he cries in front of his wife, due to the sheer terror of dying. Yet his wife tells him to "get a grip". I can only give him emotion support. His wife should be physically comforting him..... But the cold bitch wont!!! His situation has me in tears daily. Although I hold them back when he's here and I'm trying to support him. At least until he leaves, which is when I fall apart.... But how does that make my situation any "better"? The term so often used, "there are people a lot worse off than you" is bullshit! And always has been! I don't mean to be rude Raphael. But "Counting my blessings" means nothing! How does that improve my situation? You make mention of me being a "cop". I've not been a "cop" for some years. I'm just a member of the public now, as I was as a cop anyway to... I only ever wanted to help people, even the people I arrested.... Please don't bring my previous career into. It has no bearing on anything.....
    Anyways.....My daughter, who means the world to me, has mild depression. Caused by a serotonin imbalance that will be lifelong. She takes daily meds, and is doing amazingly well! Another reason to stay around....
    To the others who replied to my post, including "after life pig" - I can't confide in my wife. Going back some 8 to 10 years ago, I had severe suicidal depression. I spent numerous times in hospital, for minor surgery, repairing certain parts of my body. Or being given drugs to reverse the affects of my overdose. She made it very clear that if that happened again, were over. Not that I blame her.... We still support each other. But I have to keep my feelings of suicide to myself.
    I did have private counselling when I was really bad some years ago. She was great, and it took a while to find one who I "connected" with. Unfortunately she has now retired....
    Brian777 likes this.
  11. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Just offering a listening ear if you ever feel like talking... I'm glad you're still holding on.
  12. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hi James, thank you for the extra info on your situation, I'm sorry that you're in so much pain. I tend to wrongly make assumptions at times and for that I apologize, also for bringing up your career, I meant nothing in a negative way. I mainly just wanted to encourage you to stay with your family. You seem like a good man and I wish you all the best.
  13. mark1976

    mark1976 Member

    Keep fighting, stay here, keep posting. It's great to hear of your pride for your daughter and that she is doing well. I respect you for being here, sharing and getting through each day.
    Brian777 likes this.