I feel that suicide is the only path now

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by createdforopinion, Aug 31, 2009.

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  1. createdforopinion

    createdforopinion Active Member

    I've read all of the things about how 'life is worth living', etc., and I can predict what a lot of you are gonna say about it. I really do feel that my only option is to now kill myself. I hate it, but there's no where else to go. I can't go back and be what I was and I can't continue on in life. I am nothing.

    You see, I've been suicidal for months (and I've been suicidal years before too), been depressed on and off for years. I'm 17. I've developed serious mental problems that I can't even begin to explain. I've been really depressed since about last November and around May things took a huge turn for the worse and I couldn't go to school anymore. On my birthday in February I cut my legs up pretty badly, all the while laughing and listening to music, and breaking and slamming things. My life has been total shit since I've been born. My family sucks and I hate them (very typical thing to say, but that's how I feel). I've been living in a small apartment all my life. All I've known is conflict and yelling my entire childhood. I only had a brief childhood, before I was forced to grow up to quickly. I hate my dad so much it hurts. And I'm also so immensely embarrassed by my family that I avoid at all costs my friends seeing them or even being associated with them.

    During my last few weeks of attending school (and as things were getting progressively worse), I really started to lose it. Just felt like shit everyday. Then the serious mental problems kicked in. I remember going to school in the morning and then got freaked out for no reason, and quickly left before class started. My paranoia was reaching new heights at this time and it's even higher now. I've developed a fear of socializing with people and just being out when there's people around. I feel that people stare at me too much. Anyways, I tried to walk home, but every time I tried to walk in the correct direction, I'd go in another because there was people up ahead. I was cornered into being in the downtown area, acting like a freak, wide paranoid eyes. My heart was racing being there. I felt trapped and wanted to freak out so badly it hurt.

    Since I've stopped going to school, I've cut off all communication with my friends. I've had two close friends for years, and I started to feel that they were not liking me anymore for no apparent reason and talking behind my back. Then someone who I thought was my friend and someone who I actually kind of admired, called me one day and asked me to fight, for no reason. I never did anything to him, and he was not joking. Then he calls me an asshole and says that no one likes me, etc. All I've ever done my whole life is to try and fit in, and I've never intended to be mean to anyone because I know all to well what that feels like. I had no idea what this was coming from. I remember that was a Friday and I didn't go to school the week after. Then I went the following Monday after that week, and felt so out of place and felt like I didn't belong anymore. So I quickly left after that first class and have never been back since. I also felt that my parents had told one of my closest friend's mom that I was suicidal, and I've never felt so betrayed in my life because that was something I didn't want anyone to know, obviously. And so during that one class and was with that friend and he kept mentioning suicide in jokes and in casual conversation.

    I've also have had very very little self esteem my whole life. I'm fat, ugly, acne ridden, etc. There was a time not too long ago before I became like I am now, where I would try. Try and lose weight (and I did, but I couldn't do enough, and it frustrated me to no end), I have asthma and have still tried so hard during that time in my life to try and lose weight, but I could never ever lose enough. I tried at having a social life, I in general, tried at life. Now I don't. My self esteem is so low, that now I don't even go out in public. I've been having the same routine for the past four months. I only go outside to take my dog out, and when I do, my heart races (because I live on a busy street where cars are constantly going by). I'm terrified of going outside and I consistently feel trapped and isolated when I do. When my parents are home, I even confine myself to my room and I don't ever leave it, I piss in bottles instead of going to the bathroom. I also talk to myself a lot and in general act in a very psychotic manner sometimes. I'll talk to myself, yell for no reason. Lately I've even been cutting myself on my arms pretty deeply. I'm also ready to completely snap at any moment, and I have a lot of built up rage and anger. I feel as though I could actually easily kill someone. I've been wishing for a gun for so long, to kill myself with. I'm also frustrated that I have no options for killing myself. There's nothing to do it with. No guns around, no pills. I've been thinking that I'll probably just get a rope somehow and hang myself.

    I've literally been living the same day every day for the past four months. A while ago, one of my friends would call and I won't answer. They even showed up at my door and I didn't bother. I feel like it's almost as if they just want to know what's been happening for the sake of telling others and to solve some sort of mystery. Like I'm a fucking urban legend. No one really cares. My parents don't even care anymore, they know I'm intensely suicidal but don't even really do anything. I can also go days without talking to them.

    I've been hanging on for so long because all I do every day is escape reality. And that is why I hate looking in any sort of mirror. It reminds me of how ugly I am and how worthless I am. I have no future. I do anything that keeps my mind off of the shit and all I have now are dreams and fantasies. I'm so lonely too, it hurts. I have no one. My only friend is my fucking dog. I've never had a girlfriend, never went to a dance, never done anything with a girl. And I know how behind I am in everything, literally everything. And all I want now is someone to confide to, someone who cares. I'm way beyond the point of redeeming myself. Sometimes I think that I'll just pull myself together and get back on track. But now, I've gained weight since I have no desire to work out anymore, I have worse acne. And I don't even know how I'll be socially. I just can't bear to go back to school now, since I'm even worse. School starts in a few days, and it just reminds of how much a failure I am. I can't go back, and I don't want to see anyone and I don't wanna hear them asking where I've been, what I've been doing. School being a few days just makes me feel more trapped and more committed to killing myself. You all have no idea how hard is for me to admit this to anyone, even strangers online.

    I'm not really asking for any advice, because I know what that is. Call some hot line, go to the doctor, etc. I really just posted this for no reason other than to vent a bit.
  2. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    Venting is good. At least it is out there now.

    How do you feel after your venting session?
  3. createdforopinion

    createdforopinion Active Member

    How do I feel? Honestly... Kind of nervous and awkward. It's tough for me to do this sort of thing. I am also considering other options, like actually seeking some sort of help. If I can just gather the willingness and courage.
  4. 1337_macro

    1337_macro Member

    I wont try to give you advice due to the fact I continue to battle many of the thoughts, emotions and feelings that you do. I want to say thank you for having the courage to post such deep thoughts and feelings on a forum full of people who you do not know. I am deeply sorry that you have these thoughts and feelings. Let me write a little about myself to show you that I too am quite like you.

    I too am anti social and paranoid thinking that everyone is out to get me, like they can hear my thoughts and are scared of them or find them weird. I am 21, I have no means of transportation because I lost my lisense because of a bogus hit and run charge. I have 4 friends that come over and visit me but I think they only do that to either get free pot, come to my place to see me becuase I am like a circus side show, or come over and visit so they can show people and better their social standing because now they are trying to help "the freak". And I have been friends with these people for over 10 years.

    When I was 18 my fiancee killed herself in a very violent way because of me. She was raped by her ex bf and got pregnant by it. She wanted a abortion but at the time I was against abortion. So we fought about it for weeks till one day we had a huge fight and she stormed out. She called me 5 hours later and begged me to come over to her house. I refused because I was still angry. That night she killed herself pretty violently. I found her the next morning (her parents were out for the whole night) when I went to her house. I held her for 3 hours (she was cold so I knew she was too far gone to have help) until her mother came home, then I ran away scared. She killed herself cause of me

    I also can go days without talking to my dad (whom I live with in a nice 2 bedroom apartment) but I came from growing up in a nice ranch style house with a Simi finished basement to a shitty slum of a apartment (with my crazy psychotic alcoholic mother) to moving into my dad and getting on the lease. I am too suicidal but I control that by the drugs I use. Pot and pain killers mainly (you can check out my blog in the member blogs section to hear about my addiction and my fight to get clean day to day).

    I tell you all this because if you would like to talk to someone who will not judge you, and knows at least a bit of what you are going through then I would love to talk with you, on a equal level. If you don't want to talk then thats fine too. I am here at least 2x a day so you can always contact me and I will respond asap. I also have MSN in which I can talk to you on. I know you don't know me and are weary of people.
  5. Righteous

    Righteous Well-Known Member

    Getting help will not solve anything, it will just be a bunch of "oh everything gets better just give it time" and u will get some drugs. Go to a college in a big city, get u some prostitutes and strippers and u will feel a lot better seriously. Hope that u get a degree, get rich, get a beautiful wife, and start a family
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I think you have a lot of courage you posted here and you know if you just get that extra support talking to someone who cares and can guide you it does help really. It took me along time to trust still don't totally but god it does help to know i can talk to someone who knows how to help me. take care you have the courage and strength just do it call get some help okay
  7. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    Hey Im 17 too, turning 18 later this year. I just got out of high school and Im kind of like you. Never really fitted in, bad anxiety (which haunts me so much), fell unto drugs (but now im as clean as a whistle), became bitter over a girl, depressed, etc etc and ended up here one day with no social life because I pushed everyone away. I can see you have it worse than me after reading your post. Anyway listen to me here, just make your way through high school... go to college, chase 'your' dreams and do what will make you happy. You as in yourself. About 8 months ago when I was in high school I used to care so much about this and that... but now throughout the summer I learned that I don't even need to give a fuck anymore. The people in high school, those teens are just fucking animals thats all they are that keep running their mouths. Fuck the past. I killed my past. Ive spent this whole summer alone in my room and now I realize Im not afraid to be alone. The emptyness grows on you and you become something so much more. There is still hope for you, just think of now as just a phase... you can make it past this, and meet people in the future that actually matter. Just don't be afraid to open yourself if someone offers a hand to you. Now im not living proof of this but college is coming up for me just next week. I am nervous as hell but Im doing it for myself, to find a better life for myself, ignoring all the pain. I don't know what else to say except good luck. Have a nice life.
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