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I feel tired

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Elanie, Jun 14, 2018.

  1. Elanie

    Elanie New Member

    Hello, I'm new here it's my first post and ... honestly I don't know where to start.
    I'm 19, from Europe, and will be ending high school in 2019. My mom's a paranoid schizophrenic. I don't have any friends but I do have a boyfriend.
    Thing is... i'm tired of this life. Not because somebody broke my heart or because I failed at many things I tried for in my life.
    I just feel so damn depressed when I look at how things can screw up and then go back to normal and then screw up again. I am just so tired of being on a roller coaster... life is like this - you fall, you get up, you fall again and get up again. Thing is .. I'm tired of falling just to get up .. and of getting up just to fall again. Everybody tells me to wait - but when the waiting ends? It never ends. I'm tired of waiting until i end school, tired of waiting until my mother lets me go out, tired of coming home sleeping and waking up just to go to school again. Again and again. Our lives are based on numbers which we get as marks. Our lives are just constantly waiting for something. Waiting for school end, waiting for job, waiting for money, waiting for holiday, for the good mood of other people, ... I HATE THIS. I hate killing 7 hours of my day just to get work to do at home. We learn nothing we just get stuff for home. I could get stuff for home for the whole week if i came for 10 minutes in the morning and went back. I hate it here, i am aware of the necessity of education but this is sick ... we kill 7 hours daily we need 8 hours of sleep thats 15hours and there are just 14 hours left from which 5 are homework if u wanna do it properly thats 19 and you get only 5 hours for YOUR OWN LIFE. And I dont think it will be different with job. Then children and constantly living for somebody else. Then waiting for retirement and death.
    My boyfriend loves me but can be overly jealous sometimes and when he's in a bad mood he tends to say mean things of all kind. Then if i draw away and wait for him to calm down he accusses me of not caring BUT this is only one bad side. Overally this relationship is the most beautiful thing in my life and it helps me to cope.
    My mother wants me to talk ALL THE FUCKING TIME I SPEND WITH HER. IM NOT THE TALKING TYPE and definitely not to her.
    She had been manipulating me FOR ALL MY FUCKING LIFE. Only when she was in asylum for 3 months this year i found out properly what she is. From my grandma who never lied, so I'm definitely trusting her. You cannot imagine being manipulated by a schizophrenic. ... i will leave out all the details but believe me it's gross and disgusting most of the time. Insults if i dont obey her sick ideas, manipulation which always puts me in submissive position, ... im so fucking enraged and tired from this system of life. This world is rotten this world is JUST WAITING AND WAITING FALLING AND GETTING UP JUST TO FALL AGAIN. And people tell me not to be angry and to embrace the truth and do the most for myself... but why the fuck would i? To get up and eventually fall again ? And at the end of this life there is always death and all your imaginary efforts mean NOTHING with just one second they disappear.
    I have been trying. Been treated, TRIED MY FUCKING ALL to please other people just so they'd give me a fucking break. Yeah i also tried to please myself but i REALLY get no joy from it. Have been repressing my feelings but im done.
    Im not just angry i have been contemplating going away for a long time now because everyday is the same. And i think i dont belong because i dont wanna wait. I think this is simply not for me. It enrages me much more than it should. It takes much more than it gives.
    I dont wanna be a part of this world.
    gypsylee likes this.
  2. MagickLynx

    MagickLynx :p SF Supporter

    Is there anything you really enjoy? Anything at all?

    Life would be better away from your mother by the sound of it.

    Not sure of your boyfriend, but I don't think there's any excuse for him to say mean things to you and he sounds possessive which ain't good.

    You don't have to have children, I didn't and I'm glad now because there's a facebook group where a lot of women talk about how much they regret having kids because they lost all their freedom and it was lonely for them and they felt like slaves.

    If you can find one thing in life that you're passionate about it makes a world of difference.
  3. Elanie

    Elanie New Member

    I guess things would be mean more for me if i wasnt living with mother. But i really have no other place to go. I am studying grammar school which you get no specialization from and i still have 1 year left. Then 5 year university. 6 years left for me to be there... i dont know if i'll make 6 years and dont know if i wouldnt be a nihilistic piece of nothing by then. I tried leaving i was away for 3 months but had to go back because of other issues. I would be financially able to find some job after this school and pay a rent for single room flat that would be enough but many close people judge this plan of mine (that i wany to stay on the same level for a lifetime, with 500 euros monthly with only grammar school living from 200euros approximately) etc
  4. gypsylee

    gypsylee SF Supporter

    Welcome to SF, @Elanie

    What a great first post :) Sorry you’re having a rough time but I love the passion in this. I lived with a paranoid schizophrenic in my 20s and it’s a scary thing :confused:
  5. Walker

    Walker Everything Zen Staff Member Safety & Support SF Social Media SF Supporter

    Hi there, welcome to the forum. I hope you find something pretty great here. We're all here for you.
  6. MarvelFan

    MarvelFan Well-Known Member

    Elanie, first off your mom has paranoid schizophrenia I can tell you this from having PTSD, OCD from childhood trauma and Depression from everyday life Paranoid Schizophrenia is one of the worst things to have which I do, its like living in a nightmare where you don't know what is real or not and that you can read people's minds and they read yours and everyone is out to either hurt you or kill you. Im sorry I wish you didn't have to deal with your moms problems as I do my parents and grandparents.

    That rollercoaster is how life is for many don't be tired of it since you are 19 you have many days ahead of you of less than a rollercoaster trust me I'm 40 know that rollercoaster is how life is for most of us. Im tired too and sorry you are but we have to keep going.

    Life is full of the same things but believe it or not that is how it is for most of us. Unless you feel that change is necessary which sometimes it is. I can give you a quote "In order for things to stay the same they must change".

    "only 5 hours for YOUR OWN LIFE. And I dont think it will be different with job. Then children and constantly living for somebody else. Then waiting for retirement and death." Thats what life is unless you put in the work to change that or blessed with some huge inheritance, which most of us are not.

    If your boyfriend is in a bad mood a lot of the time as you say and says mean things of all kind and is overly jealous than that is not healthy and you might need a new boyfriend. If all you care about is that he loves you and as you said it's the most beautiful thing in you life then do what you think is right.

    "Your not the talking type when it comes to your mother" I dont blame you since as you said she manipulates you and insults you. Is there someone else you can talk to like your dad, brother or sister. Have you tired talking to different Therapist?

    "Im not just angry i have been contemplating going away for a long time now because everyday is the same. And i think i dont belong because i dont wanna wait. I think this is simply not for me. It enrages me much more than it should. It takes much more than it gives."

    Patience is a virtue and good things come to those who wait, that is how life is. Your only 19 and have so much ahead of you that you should not give up before the race even gets started. I'm sure some good things will come your way and I pray Elanie for those things for you. Take care and Lots of Love, Ryan
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2018
  7. Paisley

    Paisley * * * SF Artist SF Supporter

    You don't have to go to university immediately after grammar school, do you? I've known a few people who choose to work for a year or two, or do some travelling if they have the money for it, to give themselves time to learn about the world and about themselves before they go off to uni. And even if you really don't want to ever go to uni at all, my opinion is that since you're the one who has to live with your decisions, why care if those close to you judge the way you want to live?
  8. Elanie

    Elanie New Member

    Thank you guys ... I feel a bit better... you're all right in something ...
    My mom's perception of the world is totally distorted ... it hasn't been like this for my whole life, but each year i see it's slowly degrading ... i can imagine how much weight is on her shoulders and how strong the antipsychotic medication is, cause they put me on olanzapine once and it felt like the car, truck and war machine rode over my brain...
    Sometimes its hard on me because ... me and my mom live with my grandmother, my mom doesnt have a job and currently even no income. My granny pays for everything from her income plus retirement money ... she could be resting at home by now but she has to work. I worked too so i dont have to ask money from her and could have my own and i worked night shifts beside high school for almost half a year until my boss stopped calling me in just one day and i have no idea why. My mother's paranoia is always orientated towards my grandmother and sometimes she wants me to "stick up for her" but granny hasnt done anything. If it would be according to my mom, i would harass my grandmother daily and would show no respect. If i dont do it, sometimes she accusses me in a way "i always say something when somebody's not right to you and you cannot open your damn mouth for me" ... or "if you do it you can go out" ... she calculates my time spent outside in hours like i come home at 3pm from school and she says "okay so 3 hours at home thats 6pm anf you can go for 3 hours" ... i'm 19 and there arent troubles with me.
    Sometimes she draws up all the misfortunes that happened to me. When we argue, she may say thing like "dont forget to cut yourself, or to attempt suicide as you did when your ex left you" and this shit hurts alot, even if im keeping blank face just so she doesnt see im upset.
    Sometimes i think she is doing this consciously, im damn sure.
    I know that majority of schizophrenics are truly suffering and i acknowledge that but sometimes when i look at my mother i think she's totally enjoying this...
    - "If you dont talk to me (but she meant like every second of that evening literally) you wont go out tomorrow"
    - "mom i really have nothing to talk about at the moment, talk if you have something to talk about"
    - " talk" - multiplied by 505times.
    - "i said i have nothing going on curently"
    - more more and more teasing
    - me crying
    - she's laughing and walks away and is in apparently better mood than before 10 minutes

    You're right that I have to do something and not give up... i stopped taking prozac in february this year, i had been treated for depression but oficially im borderline ... and i guess im just having a couple of bad days now...
  9. Luiz G. Kiiro

    Luiz G. Kiiro New Member

    Hi, Elanie! I read your post. I'm sorry you have to deal with these things.
    I'd want to say that I know this feeling too, about to be tired. You said a roller-coaster and I saw myself in this moment. Idk how to help, I'm neither helpful (and I can't tell why), but I want you see that you're not alone. I'm not alone in this feeling too. We have each other. We're like "feeling bros". You have 19 and you're finishing the school, right? I'm 23 and I'll finish my college next year. Do you see? We're not to different! We can go through this! I believe in you!
    MarvelFan likes this.
  10. nightingale77

    nightingale77 Well-Known Member

    Dearest Elaine, I’m so sorry to hear you are going through so much. I cannot even imagine how you deal with your mum on a daily basis. But you know, one thing stood out about you. You have a very beautiful personality, kind and loving too. I’m also Glad that you and your grandma has each other to live through each day. I can only imagine how hard it must be for your Grandmother as well. I’m keeping you in my prayer and pray that God will carry your family through these difficult times. God bless...
    MarvelFan likes this.