Hello, I'm new here it's my first post and ... honestly I don't know where to start. I'm 19, from Europe, and will be ending high school in 2019. My mom's a paranoid schizophrenic. I don't have any friends but I do have a boyfriend. Thing is... i'm tired of this life. Not because somebody broke my heart or because I failed at many things I tried for in my life. I just feel so damn depressed when I look at how things can screw up and then go back to normal and then screw up again. I am just so tired of being on a roller coaster... life is like this - you fall, you get up, you fall again and get up again. Thing is .. I'm tired of falling just to get up .. and of getting up just to fall again. Everybody tells me to wait - but when the waiting ends? It never ends. I'm tired of waiting until i end school, tired of waiting until my mother lets me go out, tired of coming home sleeping and waking up just to go to school again. Again and again. Our lives are based on numbers which we get as marks. Our lives are just constantly waiting for something. Waiting for school end, waiting for job, waiting for money, waiting for holiday, for the good mood of other people, ... I HATE THIS. I hate killing 7 hours of my day just to get work to do at home. We learn nothing we just get stuff for home. I could get stuff for home for the whole week if i came for 10 minutes in the morning and went back. I hate it here, i am aware of the necessity of education but this is sick ... we kill 7 hours daily we need 8 hours of sleep thats 15hours and there are just 14 hours left from which 5 are homework if u wanna do it properly thats 19 and you get only 5 hours for YOUR OWN LIFE. And I dont think it will be different with job. Then children and constantly living for somebody else. Then waiting for retirement and death. My boyfriend loves me but can be overly jealous sometimes and when he's in a bad mood he tends to say mean things of all kind. Then if i draw away and wait for him to calm down he accusses me of not caring BUT this is only one bad side. Overally this relationship is the most beautiful thing in my life and it helps me to cope. My mother wants me to talk ALL THE FUCKING TIME I SPEND WITH HER. IM NOT THE TALKING TYPE and definitely not to her. She had been manipulating me FOR ALL MY FUCKING LIFE. Only when she was in asylum for 3 months this year i found out properly what she is. From my grandma who never lied, so I'm definitely trusting her. You cannot imagine being manipulated by a schizophrenic. ... i will leave out all the details but believe me it's gross and disgusting most of the time. Insults if i dont obey her sick ideas, manipulation which always puts me in submissive position, ... im so fucking enraged and tired from this system of life. This world is rotten this world is JUST WAITING AND WAITING FALLING AND GETTING UP JUST TO FALL AGAIN. And people tell me not to be angry and to embrace the truth and do the most for myself... but why the fuck would i? To get up and eventually fall again ? And at the end of this life there is always death and all your imaginary efforts mean NOTHING with just one second they disappear. I have been trying. Been treated, TRIED MY FUCKING ALL to please other people just so they'd give me a fucking break. Yeah i also tried to please myself but i REALLY get no joy from it. Have been repressing my feelings but im done. Im not just angry i have been contemplating going away for a long time now because everyday is the same. And i think i dont belong because i dont wanna wait. I think this is simply not for me. It enrages me much more than it should. It takes much more than it gives. I dont wanna be a part of this world.