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I Feel Trapped Again

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by just_me_again, May 23, 2015.

  1. just_me_again

    just_me_again Well-Known Member

    I've always had a bit of a habit of running away. I once had to spend a week at a friend's house because I simply couldn't go home. I ran to Arkansas for a weekend once. Then I moved to Texas for the whole year. Now I'm moving on to Missouri for school in the fall. Suicide (which is why I'm here--duh) seemed like just another way to run away.

    I think that I traded one prison for another.

    Everything feels stifling. I feel like I’m trapped all over again. My family here is nice and well meaning, but I feel like they're trying to control every aspect of my life. Having material possessions for the first time and not worrying every time I make a purchase feels good, but that's exactly what they are: materials. They say that they're encouraging independence, but they want to pick out where I work this summer, how I should go about the whole college thing, and what traditions I have to uphold. The thing is, I want to be independent. I want to drive myself places and buy the gas to get there. I'm better now. I don't need to be babied. While it's nice to have someone doing my laundry, I can do it myself. While it's nice to always have someone to talk to, I want to go over some of my issues alone.

    I've always done everything myself, and while that's been far from perfect and I had to make the most out of a neglectful and abusive situation, I was always able to get by. Yes, I felt suicidal at times, and yes, I probably should have been medicated years ago, but I feel like everything's been dragged out of their boxes now that I'm living in relative peace. I've been told it's PTSD, but I don't feel like soldiers coming home from the Middle East. I feel like that's melodramatic wallowing, which I didn't have time for before everything stopped being so chaotic. I have too much time to think about how pointless my short life is and how terrible it feels to be loved and have my needs met and still be sad.

    I should stop bending to their will and do what I want but it's so easy to just go along with things. They don't know that I'm filling out job applications to work at places that they haven't picked out or suggested or that I plan to go on road trips and just run with the life I have. I want to be able to take care of myself and handle everything on my own. I know I should feel grateful but its like trying to sleep on soft pillows after sleeping on a twenty year old mattress on the floor my entire life: I feel like I'm sinking so far into the pillows that I can't get up. I have to get out of here.

    I guess this is just another escape plan.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I completely understand the aspect of wanting your own independence, I am in the same boat on that. Your family seem genuine with wanting to help you out which is a lovely thing of course but you need to tell them where to draw the line and that you have your own mind and plans. You don't have to suffer under their guidance doing things that you do not want to do.

    I hope you make the right decision and get help from a professional too. A therapist, doctor psych doctors. They can all help. Good luck.
  3. GreySilence

    GreySilence Well-Known Member

    I agree with what Petal said about telling them where to draw the line.
    Unless you seriously confront them about what you want, they will probably not think to change the way they treat you.
    You're your own person, not some pet, and you deserve your free will.

    I think you'll be able to relax more once that is all settled.
    You may have done everything by yourself in the past, but it's really ok to rely on others sometimes.
    There's really no shame in getting a bit more comfortable.
    Not saying you absolutely should try to get comfy, if you truly like doing things on your own, then that's your decision and everyone should respect that.
  4. just_me_again

    just_me_again Well-Known Member

    Thank you both for putting up with my spoiled whining. I am currently seeing professionals about my issues(even told them I can get suicidal. That was a first) and getting medication for bipolar disorder and anxiety. Really, I'm just biding my time until I go to school and get away from my new family's smothering love and pity. I just don't think I belong in this comfortable fish bowl like world. I'm letting them pay for my first year dormitory costs and they're willing to pay for all four years of my living expenses, but I think I'll be fine with a crappy place and several roommates. Eventually, I want to pay them back for the car they bought me as well but that'll have to wait until after I'm done with college. I don't think I'll feel particularly good about my place in the world until I do.