I've always had a bit of a habit of running away. I once had to spend a week at a friend's house because I simply couldn't go home. I ran to Arkansas for a weekend once. Then I moved to Texas for the whole year. Now I'm moving on to Missouri for school in the fall. Suicide (which is why I'm here--duh) seemed like just another way to run away. I think that I traded one prison for another. Everything feels stifling. I feel like I’m trapped all over again. My family here is nice and well meaning, but I feel like they're trying to control every aspect of my life. Having material possessions for the first time and not worrying every time I make a purchase feels good, but that's exactly what they are: materials. They say that they're encouraging independence, but they want to pick out where I work this summer, how I should go about the whole college thing, and what traditions I have to uphold. The thing is, I want to be independent. I want to drive myself places and buy the gas to get there. I'm better now. I don't need to be babied. While it's nice to have someone doing my laundry, I can do it myself. While it's nice to always have someone to talk to, I want to go over some of my issues alone. I've always done everything myself, and while that's been far from perfect and I had to make the most out of a neglectful and abusive situation, I was always able to get by. Yes, I felt suicidal at times, and yes, I probably should have been medicated years ago, but I feel like everything's been dragged out of their boxes now that I'm living in relative peace. I've been told it's PTSD, but I don't feel like soldiers coming home from the Middle East. I feel like that's melodramatic wallowing, which I didn't have time for before everything stopped being so chaotic. I have too much time to think about how pointless my short life is and how terrible it feels to be loved and have my needs met and still be sad. I should stop bending to their will and do what I want but it's so easy to just go along with things. They don't know that I'm filling out job applications to work at places that they haven't picked out or suggested or that I plan to go on road trips and just run with the life I have. I want to be able to take care of myself and handle everything on my own. I know I should feel grateful but its like trying to sleep on soft pillows after sleeping on a twenty year old mattress on the floor my entire life: I feel like I'm sinking so far into the pillows that I can't get up. I have to get out of here. I guess this is just another escape plan.