I feel used

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Sakurose, Sep 25, 2010.

  1. Sakurose

    Sakurose New Member

    Pretty much the reason why I joined this site is because I need someone to talk to. I have no friends because I moved schools and now I'm alone. My boyfriend was at my new school, and I clung to him a lot. He'd been my best friend for 2 years, and my boyfriend for 6months.

    He broke up with me last night, and told me I was too clingy and always wanted to argue with him.. He said I'd changed personality wise and that he didn't love me for who I was any more. I have a lot going on in my life, and for some reason him breaking up with me bought back the suicidal feelings all over again. When I get sad I remember all the little things, and collectively they just make me want to not exist.

    I've kept a diary over the past year, and it only makes it worse to read it back, before him all the pages say are "lonely" "worthless" and things like that, and when I was with him I seemed so happy. He really did make my world brighter. He said he'd waited a month to see if things would get better, but the problem is he never told me I was annoying him - I even asked him because I could feel myself being a burden. It just doesn't seem fair. I asked him if I tried to change, would he give me a second chance, but he never replied, and I won't see him face to face until Monday, but I know I'm not strong enough to look at him without crying.

    I don't get how he could love me when I was depressed, and the moment I start to feel human again he breaks up with me. I thought you were supposed to support happiness.

    I cried all of last night, and I feel so used and broken, more so than before. I don't know what to do, part of me wants to end it all, but something won't let me this time.

    I tried to commit suicide a year ago, I would have done it, but my mum ran in and started yelling at me and pulled me back. I feel like I can't talk to my parents about how I feel, because they'll say exactly what they always say "Suicide is for cowards," "It's a phase everyone goes through." They didn't notice my absence last night, and part of me believes it'd take about a week for them to notice I was missing.

    Now I can't stop these thoughts, I don't think I'll ever find someone that made me feel as beautiful as he did.

    Advice would be lovely, but if not, thank you for reading :unsure:
  2. stig

    stig Well-Known Member

    Hi sakurose, You are not a worthless person. you have a lot to live for. You sound like me. I felt that i needed someone to love me for me to feel good. That is not the case flower. you need to love you. You know yourself that suicide is not for cowards. you know how hard it is to try and take your own life. you have strength in you. you need to try and focus that strength. don't worry about your boyfriend, worry about you first. Have you spoken to your doctor about how you feel? are you on any meds? stay strong, stay safe.