I feel weak when I cry (warning may trig)

It's happening to me a lot now, I've got such a tough and stable exterior but whenever I'm alone I'm bloody crying. Sometimes it's just a tear or two running down my cheek, sometimes it's all I can do not to wail as the tears pour down my face. And every time, no matter how minor, I feel like I have failed. My role in life is to be stable, for everyone I know, because if I'm so good at hiding all this pain, then anyone else could be, and I could never forgive myself if I add to their burden. So I just have to shut it all away and try to hold it down, and I feel like any day now I could explode and I don't know what will happen. I don't even need a trigger to cry, tears just start rolling down my face and I can't stop it and I feel so weak and I feel such self loathing and anger towards myself.

What good am I if I can't even hold it together for the sake of my friend whose parents have just divorced, or the girl of my dreams whose dad recently died, or the 18 year old with potentially terminal cancer, or the autistic that no-one understands, or that fragile girl who I think is self harming but won't tell me anything. And they're just a small sample of the people I know about. I want so much to just let all this go and kill myself, but I can't even commit to an attempt because if I fail and get found out, or even worse I succeed, then I don't know what I'll do to the people around me.

A guy about my age, in my area, killed himself a few months ago, and even the people who only vaguely knew him were visably shaken, and I just don't want to do that to the people I love. But I don't want to live anymore either, and that feeling is getting stronger every day.

Every time I cry I am reminded that I am weak. And I can't afford to be weak, because if I buckle, even in the slightest, then I'll end up broken, and bring down the ceiling with me.

 

Crying doesn't make you weak. I know you feel like you always have to be strong, but nobody can be strong all the time.

 

Actually allowing those emotions out freely will give you the strength you need to carry on inliving It takes so much energy to keep that false mask on When you are alone in the shower or bath let the tears fall because in doing so you are allowing yourself to heal some hugs to you.

 

I agree with total eclipse. I'm a guy, and I hate to cry, but in all honesty when I do, I feel better. I'll try to fight back tears forever, but when I sometimes just let them flow, I feel better afterwards. It's weird but true:/. I hope you feel better.

 

I don't think it will help you to compare yourself to others' problems. You've got your own, and you have the right to feel bad about it. Everyone has got his or her own problems, none of them worse than the other.
I think being able to cry is strong. It means you are in contact with your feelings and you aknowledge them. Aknowledging your feelings will only make you more real and stronger.