It's happening to me a lot now, I've got such a tough and stable exterior but whenever I'm alone I'm bloody crying. Sometimes it's just a tear or two running down my cheek, sometimes it's all I can do not to wail as the tears pour down my face. And every time, no matter how minor, I feel like I have failed. My role in life is to be stable, for everyone I know, because if I'm so good at hiding all this pain, then anyone else could be, and I could never forgive myself if I add to their burden. So I just have to shut it all away and try to hold it down, and I feel like any day now I could explode and I don't know what will happen. I don't even need a trigger to cry, tears just start rolling down my face and I can't stop it and I feel so weak and I feel such self loathing and anger towards myself. What good am I if I can't even hold it together for the sake of my friend whose parents have just divorced, or the girl of my dreams whose dad recently died, or the 18 year old with potentially terminal cancer, or the autistic that no-one understands, or that fragile girl who I think is self harming but won't tell me anything. And they're just a small sample of the people I know about. I want so much to just let all this go and kill myself, but I can't even commit to an attempt because if I fail and get found out, or even worse I succeed, then I don't know what I'll do to the people around me. A guy about my age, in my area, killed himself a few months ago, and even the people who only vaguely knew him were visably shaken, and I just don't want to do that to the people I love. But I don't want to live anymore either, and that feeling is getting stronger every day. Every time I cry I am reminded that I am weak. And I can't afford to be weak, because if I buckle, even in the slightest, then I'll end up broken, and bring down the ceiling with me.