I Feel Wierd Being Here

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Wormling, Jul 22, 2007.

  1. Wormling

    Wormling Well-Known Member

    I am glad I found this site, and talking to people here has helped improved my mood a lot, for now I have people to talk to (I normally live my life without talking to anyone ever, except the bare neccesities needed by society). Being able to just talk, and to do so without criticism, is very helpful to me. But... I feel so out of place here, like I do not belong. Reading the posts and talking to others, I have made a few observations.

    First, many members here are so very, very young. They have no real life experiences. I feel old and ancient, at just 22, for all the things I have seen and done and experienced that they know nothing about. I can't talk about a few things because the younger ones will have no comprehension of what I am talking about =(

    Second, so many people here sound like the sterootypical "omg, woe is me, life r bad, i r sad" stereotype (not to be negative or anything, for I wish all of you luck in recovering and a happy life). But for me, I am doing so much. I have my life together. I m working full time in a job I enjoy, I go to college 16 credits accelerated (time and a half, normal full time in 10-12 credits for accellerated), I am involved in many extra curricular projects and am a leader in many of them, I am involved in many programming projects and am a leader in many of those, I am a peer tutor, proffessors aid, and so forth, I have a social life with a few friends, am a member of a bowling league (which I just won my first bowling trophy) and the list goes on and on and on. I sleep only four hours a day typically because I do so very much. I do more than double what typical people do. And I am VERY optimistic. I have my life planned out, and am always stiving to make myself a better person, to do the best I can, and to enjoylife to the fullest.

    But.. I also am always bored, never optimisitic about anything, take joy in little of what I accomplish, hate social interaction, and want nothing more than to die and live forever in the fantasy world I created in my head. But I dont talk like that, I dont write suicide notes, I dont cut myself, etc. I have had a worse life than many many people can even imagine, even worse than many members I have spoken to, but I dont know. I just dont feel like I am like them cause I dont cut myself then come online od'd or drunk and talk on and on about how sad I am.

    Is this because I am dead inside? Or am I somewhere in between this board and happy, normal people? Not in need of help, but not perfect either?

    On a side note, I hurt myself today in a very disgusting and stupid way, but one that leaves no sign or physical harm, and I am sitting by my choice of death... dreaming about how nice it will be... but I know I wont do it for many reasons, I just am not at that phase yet,but having it near me is a small comfort. Odd.
  2. thedeafmusician

    thedeafmusician Staff Alumni

    I'm glad to hear that its helped you. Talking has always been a good and basic way to help people.

    try not to assume that just because someone is young, that they don't have life experiences. I know many an 8 year old with ten times the maturity of someone in their twenties. but that said, there are older members here too, and people in their twenties, if you look around. There's people of all ages here.

    maybe you are starting to suffer a bit of burnout? it wouldnt surprise me. four hours of sleep a day is not nearly enough. truth be told, you sound a bit like me sometimes. I think I get what you mean... all the time, you're always moving, and never stopping. you're always doing everything you can, and as much of it as you can. you're good at it.... but then you still feel really empty at the end of the day... right? I could be wrong though.

    That said, just because it feels like you dont fit in, it doesnt mean anything. Believe me when I say don't ever start cutting because it feels like you dont fit in. Cutting - for any reason - is bad. it addictive and you dont wanna start it.

    I cant answer the dead inside bit. only you can. no one is perfect. perfect is this ideal that we all have stuck in our head and that we all strive for, in one way, shape or form. everyone needs help at some point in their lives. the hard part is if they're proud enough to step off their high horse and admit that they need it.

    if you arent at that phase... then thats good. don't get there, if you can help it. it isnt worth it. no life circumstances - no matter how dire - are worth death. you'll die whenever its really time to. Don't push it along if you can help it. You'll wish you hadnt.