I have been battling suicidal tendencies since I was in high school...No not the band. I have made a few attempts and survived obviously. Ever since the first time it has always been for pretty much the same reason each time, there were different circumstances, but the reason was I hate myself. I wasted my life and I still am. I feel like I am the worst type of person and I will never do or be anything worthwhile. I don't know how to drive I just barley got my GED ten years out of high school and I have a job that barley helps support my family( My husband and I there are no kids). I thought when I got my GED I would gain some confidence. But I am still crippled by fear. I'm afraid if I go to college I will waste my opportunity to learn and advance and end up back where I am. There are points in time where I want help but I never have the money for a doctors appointment. I can't afford a psychiatrist. I don't have anyone to talk to who won't freak out on me. I have been contemplating going away for a long time now and it is very maddening. I have come close a couple times but I was able to calm down because I don't want my husband to come home from work and find me. I just feel alone and trapped inside my head. I don't have a terrible life I have a roof over my head and I can afford to get food every two weeks. My husband loves me and we rarely fight. But, I still want to not exist any more. There are people out there that are really suffering and they are surviving and fighting to live another day and here I am with the nagging thought of leaving this world and I don't have terrible hardship. It makes me feel even worse. I feel like a waste of space. I know I have a few people that care about me. I don't want to hurt them. I just want everything to stop. I want to be more outgoing and caring of other people but I am so selfishly trapped in my head. I don't see me in a future. I never did. I will just waste my life away at the bottom. I can't see the beauty in life anymore. I don't remember really having fun in a very long time. My husband has been very supportive, and it makes me guilty because I am constantly battling with the decision to end myself. Coming up is the two year anniversary of my last serious attempt. Last year I was a wreck and I thought about doing something and I got as far as writing a note I had a plan but by some miracle my friend came by to spend time with me. I quit my job because it was so stressful I wanted to end it so I didn't have to go. My husband told me I should quit my job for my safety. So, I studied for my GED, then fell back into a manic depressive rut for a few months, then managed to get my GED. It didn't make me feel better or give me hope that I might find something that will make me feel like I have purpose. I feel like I am just stumbling through life as nothing and I will always end up as nothing. I go through days where I want help and I want to move toward something better than wallowing in my own hatred of myself. Others I just want to curl up in bed and fade away. I want to stop having to fight the urge to leave. I want to find something to do that means something but I am afraid that I will fail and repeat my trend of laziness an procrastination. I want to be courageous. However I feel so weak and unworthy like maybe I should just give up. My husband would be devastated, and I love him with all my heart. Sorry I'm just rambling....If there is anyone who needs someone to talk to that won't judge you for having suicidal thoughts you can talk to me. I know I need to let stuff out. Maybe if I don't bottle it all up it won't take me over.