like i'm slipping backwards too fast to put a stop to it, and i don't know what to do. i've used every excuse in the book to avoid my friends, my family, to just stay away and keep myself to myself. i feel sad and lonely and frustrated with life, how i've been treated at work, the fact that for some reason people appear to be out to get to me and get a reaction out of me, even though i'm not confrontational at all. i've grown accustomed to living an isolated life, but i don't know if i'm happy this way, or if i made myself this way in order to prevent myself from getting as hurt as i have done before. there must be something wrong with me, because the one person i miss the most is the person who ruined everything for me, but despite that i still love her to pieces. i want to go back and make different decisions, different friends, but i can't. i want to be a different person, someone who can stick up for themself, someone whos not scared to make themself heard, because i am. i watch people scream and shout and wonder if it helps them to accept things and move on, but because i never know how to react, i don't know if i ever move on. i miss my dad, i wish he hadn't chosen alcohol over his family, i wish he wasn't so ill. i feel like i've done so much wrong in my life, and i hate the fact that my appalling decision making means people hate me without knowing me, because of who i used to know, and how manipulative people can be. i hate myself for never standing up to people when they're shouting at me reasonlessly, or making false accusations, i wish i had the guts my sister has, but i don't have anything. i can't seem to find my feet in this world, and i don't know if i have the bottle to carry on.