I feel.........

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Leiaha, Jul 10, 2009.

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  1. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    Before I go on I have to say I expect no replies, I'm used to being alone. I'm writing this for me so don't feel obliged.

    I feel dead inside.
    I feel unloved and unwanted.
    I feel heartbroken.
    I feel ugly.
    I feel ill.
    I feel useless.
    I feel stupid and defeated.
    I feel there's no point.
    I know this is right.

    I crave the nothingness of death, the release and the peace. I want to see my baby girl again and my Dad. I have no energy to do anything about any of it. SOOOOOOOO damn EMPTY!
    My Psychologist said I'm very flat, I feel bad about that. Today the crisis team said the same thing, said it seemed like I didn't want to talk to them, I feel guilty about that :( In a way they are right but at the same time I feel they are so terribly wrong. I do want to talk to them, I want to tell them that tonight I will die but it's not their fault, they tried their best and I appreciate that very much.
    I want to call my Psychologist and say thankyou, thankyou, thankyou, don't be sad, you did more for me than anyone ever did. Don't feel guilty, some people can't be saved, it's not your fault, I'm sooooooooo sorry to disappoint you but I have to go today, I will go today. I feel guilty dying without telling her this but she would stop me.
    My kids, all grown up. I know the one good thing I did in my life was to bring them up well, I loved them, helped them, nurtured them etc which makes it all the more hard to understand their actions now. I understand how they will feel but, my staying would be worse, believe me when I say that :(
    I wish they had a better Mother, so do they. I LOVE THEM SOOOOOOO MUCH IT HURTS. :cry:
    Thanks to my friends here, I wish I had known you irl. Don't feel sad, learn from my mistakes, I love you all so very much :yes:
    Time to go and make a start on finishing. Like I said this is for my benefit, To tie up loose ends and not for a reply. To get it off my chest so I know I'm not dying without saying these things, even if it's not to the people it's aimed at. I just had to say it all. :depressed:
  2. Hitomi

    Hitomi Well-Known Member

    You can't do this......please don't. I am sure everyone on this forum is willing to help you in any way we can.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey were here were not going anywhere If you are in a bad way please call your therapist doctor anyone that you can reach out to. Most important call the crisis line they will talk with you and get you the help you need. Remember there is no coming back death if final no return. You need to get help to stop this pain your in so you can enjoy life again. Please reach out call crisis and get the help you need. The people here are all your friends and they don't want you to harm yourself we are here for you as you are here for us. Hang in there okay call for help NOW.
  4. triggs

    triggs Account Closed

    Leiaha please don't do this :hug: you're worth so much more than you think and you'd be missed so much :arms:
    please stay and talk to us, if you want you can PM me any time, i mean that, i'm not just saying it okay :heart:
    please reconsider and let us help :cuddle2:
    triggs xx
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Leiaha :(

    PLEASE don't go through with it. It isn't worth it.
    You have so many people IRL and here that care about you :hug:
    Stay and talk to us, x
  6. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    I've tried that but can never say what I NEED to say. There is no help now, I'm beyond that, too far down the road into isolation. I open my mouth to say something and something else pops out like 'I'm ok', 'I'm managing'. It's both funny and interesting, I never know what's coming out next because, it's definitely not what I really want to say! I often astound myself!!
    I don't want toupset people by making them think they aren't helping so,I tell them they are. Stupid or what?
    I'm too tired to fight, too weary to be bothered and too much of a burden to others. There is no other option, It's all set for tonight, in a crazy way I'm both excited and incredibly sad, go figure that one out!
    sorry, I'm ranting again. Thanks for replies but they are not necessary anymore. I'm done, I'm not looking for advice, just understanding and acceptance, thats all, understanding and acceptance :cry:
  7. triggs

    triggs Account Closed

    hun, we understand and accept the fact that you are a great person and you deserve help and advice and love and care :hug: i know it's so hard to just try that little bit more when it feels like you've been doing it for so long and it's doesn't seem worth it anymore - but it is! it really is hun and you can feel better and happy again you just have to stick it out through the crap! :arms: and you have so many people who want to help you through that - you really do, including me :smile: it's easy to give up and end things yes, but it's SO much better to be happy and alive
    please stay hun :heart: xxx
  8. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    Thanks triggs, you sound like a lovely person :hug: I wish you were right though, don't waste it on me lol.

    Lea :hug:
  9. triggs

    triggs Account Closed

    i am right lea :hug: you are so worth the help :smile:! please don't give up
    keep talking and keep fighting through this, it will pass :heart:
  10. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    I have no guts, i'm not brave, courageous or even mildly capable of coping anymore. People say i've been here before but...... it's hard to explain....... I haven't, it's different this time. Now I see myself as others who know me do.... I don't like what I see either. It's easy for people to say 'change it then' but, I don't have the will or the inclination to do that so, they might as well say 'walk on water'. Yes I'm moaning but allow me that at least... one last time.
    I appreciate an awful lot that people took the time to reply, I don't deserve it after what I'm about to do so,thankyou all :hug:
  11. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member


    Sadly there is nothing I can say that will make you feel better, I just wanted to say that I totally understand how you feel about not being able to speak.

    I hope you find the strength to speak up honey.

    Please stay safe :hug: xx
  12. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    I know Claire and thankyou hun. It makes a difference knowing that somebody else has the same difficulty saying the things they need to say. You have alwats been there Claire :) thanks :hug:
    I'm just waiting for some privacy, too much noise and stress atm.
  13. Necromanti

    Necromanti Well-Known Member

    I too had difficulties speaking with my "therapist" the few times I was forced to see her, for similar and different reasons.

    I had been discussing my suicidal feelings with my best friend for a fairly long time; since she was obviously getting more and more worried, she told me that she was going to tell our school counselors. My reply was that she is free to do as she wants, but that I highly recommended against it due to consequences.
    The school counselors are idiots, and made her cry by telling her that I'd never speak to her again due to "ratting me out" and staging an intervention, but that's a different matter. I told her that I would of course still talk to her, and that I would have done the same thing in her shoes.

    Anyhow, my parents were called in and bla bla, drama etc.
    Parent's didn't know. Mom was angry at me that I could tell me friend these things, and thinks that I talk shit about her etc. even though she is not at fault. Obviously, she'd feel guilt, but still. I got antagonized by my mom, who made me feel like utter garbage for "embarrassing" her for several days as she was forced by the school to take me to a therapist. My mom didn't truly believe that I was suicidal, so she thought my friend was just creating problems.
    Anyways, sorry for going off-track.

    My point is that I was taken to a therapist (who was so friggin' expensive that we could only afford a few sessions) but I just couldn't talk about my real problems. My mom threatened me and told me not to bring up the "family problems" at home, such as that my parents are divorced (due to this being grounds to deportation in this country when they are living together).

    Now, besides the fact that I felt extremely vulnerable and unable to discuss anything at depth, I felt no energy to explain my problems. Where do you begin? Why do I want to lay out my whole life in front of this person? You get to a point where you are just so exhausted that you've accepted your inevitable suicide.
    If I lied and said I was better than I was, then the torment of the therapist scenario would be over a lot faster. They eventually came to the conclusion that I was depressed, but not suicidal.
    I eventually stopped burdening my friend with my suicidal talk as well, because I felt it was unfair to her. Eventually, I just have no energy to bring up my problems; bringing them up just lays them in front of me, and makes me realize how powerless and hopeless I feel.

    I am sorry that I have no words of comfort for you, and instead chose to randomly share a snippet of my dull therapist experience.

    Seeing a therapist is a process; you must learn to get closer to that person and feel like you trust them. Start with small things and small problems. Slowly work your way to the bigger ones. One step at a time is fine. You just have to keep at it if you have the option to. It is too easy to give up, like I have. Personally, I just feel like I have no way to help myself until I am in a place where I can get support.
  14. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    Don't get me wrong, my Psychologist is great, she is a true diamond. I am the one at fault, I can't say what I really feel to ANYONE, not even myself out loud. I can say more to her by 'phone than I can face to face. She knows this and tries to callme at least once between sessions.
    Another part of the problem is embarassment and not wanting to end up sectioned again because of her duty of care.
    Nor do i want to upset people by them thinking they are failing to help so, I tell them they are whether it's true or not :dunno:
    But, mostly, like you I am far too weary of life to want to try and talk. I've tried many times before but it just makes things worse. People say it gets worse before it gets better but, what if I am too terrified to go there and if I do it may be sooo painful that I go over the edge?
    Put this all together and I am too far gone and I don't really care anymore. Takes too much energy. The only time I ever sleep soundly is Wednesday afternoons after my weekly session, they totally exhaust me :yawn:
    I'm ready to go now and I feel a little happier knowing that I won't have to deal anymore. I know I'm making myself sound bad, selfish here but, it's much more complex than that. . . .
  15. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Sending you some more hugs Lea.

    :hug: xx
  16. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    Thanks Claire, here's some back to you too, hope you are ok?

    Lea :arms: :hug:
  17. Necromanti

    Necromanti Well-Known Member

    I don't think you sound bad or selfish at all. I feel much of the same that you stated, except that I don't have your burdens to bear, nor have I had the will to at least try as you have.

    Are you on any medications? I know that many people say that medication isn't for everyone, but I think the more important point is that every medication isn't for everyone. If you find one that works, then perhaps it will become a lot easier for you to start vocalizing how you feel after you start feeling better mentally, and in turn, physically. Talking will certainly not help motivate and help you if you are exhausted in every way possible.
  18. Leiaha

    Leiaha Well-Known Member

    I am on Medication and believe it or not.... it does help. I am even more of a nightmare without it!
    I have a lot of physical problems too so my meds are many.
    There are a lot of things going on in my life just now. Not least of these is the self doubt, guilt and self punishment.
    Today (11th) is going to be the hardest of late and I did hope to be dead by morning so as not to face it. It's the anniversary of my Dads death.
  19. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Thinking of you today Lea :arms:.

    Please don't do anything to hurt yourself :hug:.
  20. triggs

    triggs Account Closed

    :hug: :arms: :hug:
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