I felt like writing.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Brevity, Jan 22, 2009.

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  1. Brevity

    Brevity New Member

    The world hates us. We are vile... disgusting creatures to them, or so I'm reminded everyday by my family, the media, people I don't even know. Our fate is decided upon our birth. I play along and hide, but I long, I want, and I need... just like them. How ironic that people praise life as being so precious but they have no problem destroying it, destroying me, a homosexual. Sometimes I sit in the dark when the world is sleeping and I try so hard to will myself out of existence. Maybe, maybe if I think hard enough I'll succeed.

    I wasn't always this unhappy. I will say there was a time when I much younger, when I was actually happy, before I really knew who... what I was. The only person I would attempt to call a friend is a boy I knew when I was a child. I knew him from the age of eight to thirteen and we did everything together. It wasn't until I was 9 that I had feelings about him. I was thirteen when I acted on them and I kissed him, he called me a ******, and hit me. We stopped talking after that and he refused to see me whenever I went over to his house. He never told anyone about me but he left and moved to his Dad's house in a different state a month afterwards and that was the end of that. How funny that even after ten years I can think about it and still get hurt. It really hurts, I was betrayed. I haven't gotten close to anyone ever since.

    It shouldn’t be so difficult to live the way that I am, but I've lived in a closet my entire life because of what I am, because of others who would judge me. I'm twenty three years old and I've never had a friend, a real friend, or any kind of relationship. I feel like I'm defective and unfit to be loved. Is it wrong to want to take the easy way out? Suicide is such an odd thing. I want it but at the same time I don't.
  2. Don't Follow

    Don't Follow Member

    I can relate to the feeling of being an outsider, unwanted even. And it is people's insecurities which cause them to fear that which is unknown or strange to them.

    But don't think that the way that you feel is in any way wrong. You are naturally attracted to males, nothing wrong with that. Just know that your sexual orientation has nothing to do with your personality or you as a person. From your post, I can tell your witty, bubbly and quite a charmer. It's just that you stick out from the norm, and society views that as a big 'no-no'.

    What happened with you and your friend is something I can everyone can relate to in some way or the other. Everyone has had best friends and crushes that they have lost. But your memory is your gift and curse to bear.

    All I can really tell you is that if the environment you currently live in is very restricting, then you can try to move to a different, more open minded place.

    If I weren't legally under the care of my parents, I know that's what I'd do.

    You were rejected by someone who didn't incline that way, it's like going to a classical concert expecting punk music to be played. It wasn't because of you as a person, it's just that you're male. I'm sure other gay men would absolutely love to be in a relationship with you.

    And you say you've never had a real friend, I know how that feels EXACTLY. So dude, care to be friends? :smile:
  3. Brevity

    Brevity New Member

    Your reply made me smile Don't Follow, thank you.

    Interestingly enough, I met him again just recently at the wedding of my Brothers friend, small world. My family has no idea I'm gay. They HATE gay people. I think that's pretty much expected from a devout catholic military family. Anyways, my brother found out he was there and brought me over to him. Let's just say he is still absolutely disgusted by people like me. He actually left the wedding, talk about awkward. I have to wonder if what I did when we were kids made him hate gay people. I guess that's what struck a cord in me and made me include him in my post. Thankfully no one really noticed him leave or found out why.
  4. Don't Follow

    Don't Follow Member

    No need for thank you's, a beer will suffice :tongue:

    And I really feel sorry for people like that. They're discrimination makes them overlook even the most shining examples of human goodness for the sake of one trait which they are not comfortable with. You don't need people like that, mate.

    I say get away from your family, live somewhere away from them. You say you've never had any friends 'cause you felt you didn't fit in or you didn't deserve love.

    Well I've felt that too man, and it's cause we can't really accept the way we are. You can't really accept being gay and I can't accept being short, fat and ugly :tongue:

    But a person is not defined by one trait alone, a person is an amagalation of a whole lot of qualities both good and bad.

    As far as I can tell, you've been in a restricted environment and haven't really tried to meet other gay men. Well you can change that bro.

    You're 23, your life is your own. You're an awesome individual and people will be attracted to you and love you. You just need to accept who you are. Easier said then done, trust me :tongue:

    But it gets easier with beer :biggrin:
  5. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Have you tried going to gay bars or gay dating websites to meet some other homosexuals? I'm sorry to hear that your family hates gay people. :hug:
  6. Brevity

    Brevity New Member

    I don't drink and I really dislike bars, especially a lot of the so called gay bars. They are too flashy for me and to be honest I've never really understood them. Even if I went to a bar the majority of the people there are gross, drunk, horny, and looking for one night stands. I'm much more interested in a stable relationship with a future. I have tried dating websites but it's difficult to find someone you click with. On the rare occasion that I do find someone interesting I always push them away when they get too close. I hate myself for that. I’ve decided I’m going to start seeing a Psychiatrist. Maybe they can help me work some of my issues out. It would be nice to share my problems with someone else. Someone that I can really let get into my head and I don't have to hide from. That thought alone gives me a great feeling of relief.
  7. pensive1981

    pensive1981 Well-Known Member

    That sounds rough and the world hasn't entirely come around yet to accepting gay people but it has come a long way. I remember the pre-Philadelphia era and just since the early 90s it seems like there have been huge gains. I expect them to continue.

    What you've got going on is probably very difficult to deal with. It will take some time and work but once you do, there's the potential for you to be very happy and also surrounded by people that accept you as you are and value you. You've been dealt a hand where you have to work a little harder than everyone else to be accepted. Accept that and work with it and just be yourself and I bet things will be okay.
  8. Hey Brevity :hug:

    I totally understand where your coming from, when you talk about the fear of coming out in its entirety...

    The good thing about living in Britain, is that the hippies won the fight that was started in the 60's, and there has only been 3 cases of Gay Bashing in the last year, and everyone made huge headlines and was fought against by everyone from the Prime Minister to the Tabloid Papers to the Granny down the road... (but then again what do you expect from a culture that takes children to Panto, where all the girls play male parts and all the guys are flamboyant drag queens lol)

    I've always considered myself to be a straight man trapped in a gay man's body, in that my brain lusts for girls but my body only really responds to guys...

    What I'm trying to say is that there ARE places that you can feel that you are you, without fear, and the fact that you acted on your feelings for your friend shows me that you are NOT a self-hating homosexual, just that you have grown in an environment that has stunted your growth... and in that, you need to know that you are one of the lucky ones, with a little luck and a move (either psychologically or physically) to somewhere that is Gay-Friendly or Gay-Orientated, you will flourish again...

    Come to Brighton, UK... it might be cold, but its the Gay Capitol of Europe (1 in 3 people are gay)... lol, your atleast get a shag out of it! :laugh:

    -J- :hug:
  9. AlexPeace

    AlexPeace Active Member

    I'm, sorry that U are in so much pain and being Gay on top of depression & feeling suicidal is tough ,I know I din't officially come out till I was 28 or so,I found that joing groups,having other Gay friends helped,and it's a process to learning to love & accept Urself. Hang in there,My thoughts & prayers are always with you:heart::
  10. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    am sorry you are experiencing bigotary.. don't hate yourself tho... be proud of who you are x
  11. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Brevity,
    Coming out of the closet can be scarry. You should tell your family before they find out another way. Sure there will be anger and resentment at first but the fact will remain the same you are family and there love will kick in eventually and then acceptance will follow. My neice is gay and the family didn't accept her at first but now no one thinks any worst of her.
    This is the 21st century and being gay is no big deal. Thousands of gays have come out in the open, you don't have to be afraid. It sounds more to me that you have issues with it your self. You sound like you are still confused about your sexual preference.
    Seeing a shrink sounds like a good idea. Maybe you will find the peace you need. Take Care!!~Joseph~
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