I felt this way for so long

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by gundoe, Apr 9, 2012.

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  1. gundoe

    gundoe New Member

    I've struggled with suicidal ideation since I was twelve. This means that for 10 long years everyday my brain feeds me images and ideas to kill myself. I was seeing a counselor and worked through my problems but have recently had to change my entire environment and move back in with my parents. Living with them is a known trigger for me... it's kind of undoing all the progress I have made. For now I've been holding onto the hope that I can get back to where I was again... but some days I feel like I want to jump out of my skin. I've recently started a new "professional" job// making everything still that much harder.
    I feel so much guilt about the thoughts and plans that I make because my parents really do the best they can.. and they say they are proud of me for my accomplishments but they don't feel like accomplishments.. they feel like another knot in the noose
    not to mention that they live in a condo on the 22nd floor and I have a beautiful view of the balcony I envision myself falling from everyday// I don't necessarily choose to think about it.. it's part of my illness that I do and I'm soo fricken tired
    I'm tired okay

    I work way more than I ever had to before.. so much more is expected of me than my former job as a pizza delivery driver and my parents keep reminding me that this is my life now.. full-time work, city dwelling, living close to them
    and I'm suppose to pretend that I want it.. that I want to live to work or work to live.. whichever it is my life is this bull charade now
    I don't have the strength to work to live.. but I'm not sure I could make it as a vagrant either

    it just feels like the pavement is just calling and calling and threatening me with making all of it go away.. everything// the haunting 10 year war of thoughts, the failing economic system, other people's ignorance, my stumbling similarities to my mother who annoys the crap out of me, my intelligence that gets the best of me every time...
    I'm so tired and just need someone to listen.. and I understand that people may have nothing to say but I just need to vent and not be judged
    but alas I have no one to do that to.. because the few friends that I have I would like to keep// believe it or not people tend to run away when they run into a hopeless conversationalist like me.. who could go on for hours on why I shouldn't be alive
    not to mention how depressing it is to never get through to me
    another reason on the endless list my brain creates for me

    the only reason I'm still alive today is because I'm a survivor... and I love looking at clouds.. the world is beautiful but the people in charge are selfish and I wasn't meant for a life like this.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You vent all you want here okay you let go of the thoughts the pain the frustration here I am listening to you i care. I am a survivor too hun i love nature as well hugs
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