I Finally Come Crashing Back Down

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Forgotten_Man, Nov 8, 2010.

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  1. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Well looks like my ride on the positivity train has finally ended. For some reason I just crashed into a suicidal mood. One of the worst I have been in for almost a month now. It was nice being hopeful and having my head in the clouds. There was a bright future.... now it is dim and dark. I am the annoyance that I once was. You know it is really funny. Once I start feeling better I lose touch with everyone and everything. I have lost touch with most of my friends on this forum, and other forums. It is hard to believe I almost have 2000 posts.

    I do not know what caused it. Though I have a strong suspicion that it had to do with my ass wipe roommate. He decided that he was going to exhibition today. So he left his door open a bit. I guess he thought his TV would muffle the moans of his girlfriend. Not that I do not deserve that kind of treatment. I was not always considerate with him. Then again I lived in a one bedroom apartment. Then I started to miss the sex I had with my ex. Then I started to think about how little everyone's life would change if I just killed myself. Then it was a downward spiral from there. I cannot sleep now. I want to sleep, however, I can't I just restlessly roll around. Maybe in another couple of hours I will fall asleep. However, no sooner than that.

    I guess I could not ride the positivity train forever. It had to make a stop. My mind has to refuel. Well here I am again. I guess I feel better knowing that my mind has fixed itself a bit. I am also sad I have to be depressed again. This will get in the way of me trying to improve myself. I just need to kill myself and get it over with. Even if I have lost tons of weight, that does me no good. I still have to go out and socialize. I just do not know what I want to do. Suddenly I want to return the $120 worth of books I bought on Saturday. Even though these are good books about controlling my mind. They might not be the most moral books, but they are books I felt would help me... however, they just seem like a waste of money now. The only thing that seems like it would have been a good investment was my dad investing in a condom.
  2. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Hey FM...sorry you've nose dived again..
    did it have anything to do with the drinking the other day? or not!
    alcohol can cause depression...
    I bet you still have your friends here....

    great that you've lost heaps of weight...well done..

    is there anyway you can get your roommate to move out sooner if he's annoying you?
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    We all go through times when we get down again...that is not to say that when we felt good it was not valid...it is how you handle this that counts...do you let it get so low that you feel so awful again, or do you take a stand (and maybe seek professional help) to see if you can intervene? Glad you decided to let us know how you are doing, and know there are so many of us that go through this...J
  4. PollyAnna

    PollyAnna Account Closed

    I think drinking tonight caused your depression. Anyways,
    i've been up-to-date of your life,and I can promise you that you've made SUCH a significant change! Everyone can! Why are u letting your progress go to waste?Don't let simple mishaps that u experience revert your happyness! Come on now.You're better than that!Don't u think you're too good to be suddenly depressed again? Don't let negligible people like your roommate and ex get to you. loook at you! you've lost weight,and you have growing goals!You're far off better than some people,you know.Sure , you're not a social butterfly,but least you're trying to socialize.Remember your road trip?It's your chance to shine! Thrive off the fact that you're achieving your goals.The positivity train travels all year round & It's not too late to hop back on it, as It expects you as a passenger cause you deserve happyness. :) So, take your time preparing to be on It again.Don't rush, cause It's what you did previously.You don't have a deadline. Patience Is a virtue.Please keep your books.You'll notice their significance once you're happier. xo
  5. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Morning all, thanks for hearing me vent. Writing down the rant helped to clear my mind and I was able to get about an hour of sleep last night, which was nice. I figured that sitting in front of a computer screen was not going to help me sleep any faster. I still do not know why I crashed, I think I am tried. I have sprinted as far as I could and could not sprint anymore. My roommate being an ass did not help. I am feeling a little better.

    If you are curious here are the books that I boughtI figured I would take a more aggressive route to getting better. >_> plus when I was looking at self-help books... it was hard to find one geared at people in general, and impossible to find one geared specifically towards men. <_< plenty directed at females though... which made browsing that section really annoying.

    @IV2010: I do not know if the drinking had anything to do with it. The day after I drank I was annoyed more than anything. That is why I went book shopping. It was time to find some philosophy/psychology books to meld my mind. I think I got a good spread.

    I think I am depressed because my weight loss has slowed a lot. I am in one of the harder stages I guess. All my trainers say I will hit this stage and I just need to power through... which I have-not been putting all my effort into.

    It is not that I do not want too move. I lack the resources right now. By the time I will have them. Why pay the $700 cancellation fee? I just need to use him as fuel to improve myself.

    @Sadeyes: Right now I cannot really afford therapy. That is the reason Why I do not have it. I know where my main problems lie. Thanks for your support. I plan on taking a stand. I know I cannot accomplish what I want too if I am depressed.

    @Cutiewithabooty: Actually I drank on Friday. I have gone to work with a hangover, and it is not pleasant. I am definitly trying to thrive on the fact that I am achieving my goals. I think that is what happened these past couple of weeks. Thanks for the encouragement hun.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 8, 2010
  6. PollyAnna

    PollyAnna Account Closed

    It doesn't matter when you drank...anyways :)long as you feel better! -kisses-
  7. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Does so it can only depress me if it is in my system.
  8. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    hope those books help FM..let us know what they're like when you're done.
    I can hear the motivation back in your voice and I'm glad...
    good that you realize the drinking doesn't help...
    stay strong..:arms:
  9. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I hope they help to IV2010. If anything they will help me do some thinking.
  10. lachrymose27

    lachrymose27 Well-Known Member

    i like your post, especially the last line
  11. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Thanks, I have always believed the last line.
  12. PollyAnna

    PollyAnna Account Closed

    Then why'd u do It? :3

    I hope you're coping better.
    try meditating.
    I do that.
  13. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I actually just bought a book on Zen and meditation
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