I'm an aspiring author who hopes to someday publish my novel. I believe very strongly in myself so I know that someday, I will make that dream come true. (and it will, I'm very close to making it happen) I knew it four years ago when I started writing, "Y." I was 18 then, and I'm 22 now. I hadn't attempted suicide since I was 17, and I don't like to attempt unless I know my plan will work 100 percent guaranteed, fool-proof. My mother saved me last time, but I was well, dumb, like a lot of teenagers. If I had planned it carefully, I would have succeeded. The last four years have had their ups and downs, but overall, I know that ....who I am just isn't...can't conquer the big world. The real world. In other words, I'm a coward. I know that. I'm 22 and the world is a scary place. The only silverlining in all of this is that I actually found a job yesterday. Well, I have an interview to work as a CNA in a nice hospital in a great area where I live. BUT ultimately, I have to get out of here. I'm hopeful that my 400 page suicide letter, which is basically an autobiography about many incidents of my life (through pre-school all the way up to high school) will allow my Mom to see my life through my eyes and not the eyes of a mother. There's a lot of dark secrets (one being my cousin and I had sexual relations at 9 years old, though I finally told her that because my cousin tried to make it seem like I molested her when really, she was the mastermind behind it all, nonetheless , we both enjoyed it) and many others I haven't told her about. I'm telling you guys this because for me, it's a pretty big achievement. Now I can feel that even if I'm not here, my Mom will have the next best thing. I'm very proud of myself for giving that to her. I can remember as far back as 1992 when I saw a red wagon. That's all I remember lol A red wagon. Turns out my Mom's dad used to pull me in all the time.