At the age of 15, I was with my first serious boyfriend (who is 3 years older than me), we had kind of messed around a bit but I was never ready for anything more than that. I didn't want to have sex, I knew I wasn't ready but he kept putting pressure on me, pulling the "if you wont sleep with me it means you dont truely love me" line. Well, I was smart enough to know better than to give in to this. We carried on as normal for a while... Until one day he snapped. He completely over powered me and well, to cut a long story short, I was raped. I have never really told anyone this before... It made me feel so disgusting and dirty that I never really wanted to talk about it. I've told my closest friend... She is so understanding. I just don't know what to do about it anymore. The thought of it has come back to haunt me big time, making me feel so low and used and disgusting that i'm finding it hard to function. I watched a film last night that I didn't know showed this graphically in it... Until I got to that part. Last night I ended up having nightmares about it, which I haven't had for such a long time. I feel I need to talk to my pdoc about this but i'm really to scared to say anything to him. I find it hard to talk about other things with him, so this is verging on impossible. Oh, and the worst thing about this... I still freaking love him. Nearly 4 years later i'm still holding on to the good times with him, the memories i'll never forget. Its rediculous really.