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I finally feel ready to say this.

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SashaJade

Well-Known Member
#1
At the age of 15, I was with my first serious boyfriend (who is 3 years older than me), we had kind of messed around a bit but I was never ready for anything more than that. I didn't want to have sex, I knew I wasn't ready but he kept putting pressure on me, pulling the "if you wont sleep with me it means you dont truely love me" line. Well, I was smart enough to know better than to give in to this.

We carried on as normal for a while... Until one day he snapped. He completely over powered me and well, to cut a long story short, I was raped.

I have never really told anyone this before... It made me feel so disgusting and dirty that I never really wanted to talk about it. I've told my closest friend... She is so understanding.

I just don't know what to do about it anymore. The thought of it has come back to haunt me big time, making me feel so low and used and disgusting that i'm finding it hard to function.

I watched a film last night that I didn't know showed this graphically in it... Until I got to that part. Last night I ended up having nightmares about it, which I haven't had for such a long time.

I feel I need to talk to my pdoc about this but i'm really to scared to say anything to him. I find it hard to talk about other things with him, so this is verging on impossible.

Oh, and the worst thing about this... I still freaking love him. Nearly 4 years later i'm still holding on to the good times with him, the memories i'll never forget. Its rediculous really.
 
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total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
#2
No it is not rediculous you need to tell someone and you need some therpy to help you deal with the rape. You love him i don't know he took full adventage of your age your innocents and he should be made accountable for that action. I would definetly talk to your doctor your parents and him You need help to get over the trauma okay talk to a coucillor get a therapist but it won't go away until you confront it hugs
 

SashaJade

Well-Known Member
#3
Yeah I need to talk about it... But its so hard to vocalize my emotions about this. I just end up breaking down in tears and blaming myself for the whole situation...

I will try and talk to my pdoc at my next appointment...
 

Ouroboros

SF Supporter
#4
:hug: sweetheart, you have done a very brave thing getting this out. I'm so glad you have an understanding friend. Perhaps you would find it easier talking to a lady? or maybe in time you will get there with your pdoc. But its clearly causing you pain at the moment and you need some way to work through that. If you want someone to talk to you can pm me anytime :hug:

x
 

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
#5
Yes i too would like to say how brave it was of you to talk here Where i live there is sexual assault councillors that are free to talk to that understand and can give you coping skills. You are NOT to blame here okay you did nothing wrong he was the adult and he has total blame here Keep talking okay let the tears go and the pain out. hugs:hugtackles::hugtackles:
 

Julia-C

Well-Known Member
#6
I hope you don't mind that I put my comment within your comment.
At the age of 15, I was with my first serious boyfriend (who is 3 years older than me), we had kind of messed around a bit but I was never ready for anything more than that. I didn't want to have sex, I knew I wasn't ready but he kept putting pressure on me, pulling the "if you wont sleep with me it means you dont truely love me" line. Well, I was smart enough to know better than to give in to this.
Don't you hate them B.S. lines guys use.

We carried on as normal for a while... Until one day he snapped. He completely over powered me and well, to cut a long story short, I was raped.
I am so, so , so sorry that you had experience that feeling helplessness. No one deserves that. You certainly didn't.

I have never really told anyone this before... It made me feel so disgusting and dirty that I never really wanted to talk about it. I've told my closest friend... She is so understanding.
I'm glad you had a friend who is understanding. Although this happening to you neither makes you disgusting or dirty, I do understand why you feel that way. It's a hard feeling to get out of your head, but a necessary one to remove. You have undoubtedly heard this before, but I am going to say it anyway. Nothing anyone does to you changes who you are. No one can lower your infinite value.

I just don't know what to do about it anymore. The thought of it has come back to haunt me big time, making me feel so low and used and disgusting that i'm finding it hard to function.
I understand. When those thoughts come back to you it's like a hammer pounding away in your head at your own sense of self worth. Only thing I know to say is to build your sense of self worth on a daily basis. Surround yourself with kindness, and then even the hammer placed in your head by this guy will be insignificantly destructive to the fortitude the kindness which surrounds you provides.

I watched a film last night that I didn't know showed this graphically in it... Until I got to that part. Last night I ended up having nightmares about it, which I haven't had for such a long time.
I understand how the similarity of an event in a movie can trigger. The same thing has happened to me a number of times. I have been looking through and reading a bunch of journals I wrote during the times I was abused. Reading them has brought back so many memories. I also had a bad dream 2 nights ago because of reading my journals.

I feel I need to talk to my pdoc about this but i'm really to scared to say anything to him. I find it hard to talk about other things with him, so this is verging on impossible.
Only you can decide if it is time to talk about this to him. I will say this; they're there for a reason, and it's up to us to utilize them. Opening up the first time will be the hardest, and each subsequent time will get a little easier. Also the more you talk about it, the easier it will be to deal with and allow yourself to allow others into your life and help fortify your sense of self worth.

Oh, and the worst thing about this... I still freaking love him. Nearly 4 years later i'm still holding on to the good times with him, the memories i'll never forget. Its rediculous really.
It's not ridiculous, but I can't imagine those feeling of love are healthy. Are you sure you still love him, or do you still love the thought of him being the man you needed him to be? Holding on to those good times isn't love, but it is understandable. I have many good memories of my mom and dad, but that doesn't mean that I still love them. I loved who I perceived them to be when I was a child, but I don't love the reality of who they really were.
I hope that helps. You are really brave to tell us this. You will survive this, and get past it.
 
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#7
-holds you tight and squeezes-

Feel good and proud of yourself for gettign to this point. that is a big step

He shouldnt have done that. he was wrong to do that.
You are strong for getting through it and being able to say this to us now.

you dont ahve to rush talkign about this. you have ackowledged it, dont rush to fast that it may end up damaging and hurting you in other ways.

I'm here if you need to talk. :hug:
 

icequeen

Well-Known Member
#8
:hug: no way on this earth should you feel guilty or responsible, he knew how you felt, and unlike you he couldnt control himself and lost all respect for you. you need to talk to your parents, your pdoc otherwise it will eat you up and haunt you. maybe you think you still love him because you are still in shock that someone you cared so much for did this to you. rape is rape, do not let him get away with it. talk to your parents, your pdoc, first of all to understand its not your fault, and if your have to, talk to him with back up to ask why he did what he did. most of all, do not blame yourself.
 

MLKane

Well-Known Member
#9
it's not your fault, fear and a false sense of love or commitment are the tools of rapists and abusers. I wouldn't say I was raped, but I was in an abusive relationship with an older girl. physically she wasn't stronger, but I couldn't fight back with the girl I love. so I'd have bruises, cuts, a couple of broken ribs, often caused during or immediately before or after sex. but I too still love her, she broke my heart and fucked me up but I can't bring myself to hate her. I am confident that I'll get over it though, all I need is the right person to change for. maybe you'll stop loving him tomorrow, or maybe in another year or two, but you will stop, because you can't love that kind of person forever.
 

SashaJade

Well-Known Member
#10
Thank you guys all so much for your support...

I've decided i'm going to try and talk about it with my pdoc on thursday when I next have an appointment with him...

whether I actually do or not is a completely different matter.

:hug:
 

Julia-C

Well-Known Member
#11
Thank you guys all so much for your support...

I've decided i'm going to try and talk about it with my pdoc on thursday when I next have an appointment with him...

whether I actually do or not is a completely different matter.

:hug:
You are welcome. :)

I hope you do, but again only you can make that decision and you have the right to change your mind at any point. I hope this potential discussion is a productive one. :)
 

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
#12
Perhaps if you write it down on paper and hand it to him then you won't be so apt to not say anything hun i think it is a good thing you are doing to talk about it hugs
 
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