I finally get what I wanted

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Always Alone, Nov 14, 2006.

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  1. Always Alone

    Always Alone Guest

    Tomorrow is my day, if it all goes right, it'll be my last.

    I don't deserve to be able to do this, I advised so many others not to, but I've failed nearly all of them, I can't even sleep anymore, I can't help but think about how I failed them.

    No-ones home tomorrow my parents are out the country till next week, and my sister has a gig. I've got the pills I need, along with some other stuff.

    I'm gonna spend all day cutting, I've always wanted to do that, I'll get to die happy.

    If there were other options I'd take them, but there really are no ways out. A lot of it's my fault, and that makes it even worse, I can't even try to blame others, I'm the problem, I've ruined my life, and I've ruined the lives of many others. You all will be better off with out me.

    I'm posting this now, because I know my mind will stay the same, I'm set on this now. But I wanted a chance, and there won't be any people around tomorrow.
     
  2. Megazoid

    Megazoid Member

    Check your private messages.
     
  3. Always Alone

    Always Alone Guest

    I have started, It's gonna work this time, I can finally let go
     
  4. blackfire

    blackfire Well-Known Member

    Just take life one day at a time. I use self talk to help me through the day. i know bad times don't last forever. I have been there too. Life gets us so down we don't think we can get back up. We can though even if it takes a while. I used to cut, but stopped because I couldn't stand to see the scars.

    I am new to the forum and don't know a lot of people here, but you gave me inspiration. We have to be here for one another.
     
  5. Luliby

    Luliby Staff Alumni

    hi Wolf.

    STOP! :hug:

    Plans come and go. You can change your mind. Things are never as permanent and hopeless as they seem.

    Keep in mind suicide is not a solution, it is an end before a solution can be found. It can't be considered an option because an option means we have a choice and death robs us of both option and choice. Death is also an irreversible act that does not end the pain, because it remains in those who are left behind.

    Most people who are suicidal are also depressed. The two prime reasons that a person becomes depressed are a loss of control: over their life situation and of their emotions, and secondly a loss of a positive sense of their future (loss of hope).

    You should NOT kill yourself.
    Here is the Top Ten Reasons for Not Killing Yourself. (I nabbed this from http://www.the-bright-side.org/site/...de/section/325 if anyone is interested in learning more.

    10. If your reading this then there is still a part of you that wants to live. Read on.

    9. Suicide is final – once it's done, there’s no changing your mind. Since you have even the slightest of doubts, you owe it to yourself to stay alive and read on.

    8. You always have the option to kill yourself later, why not wait? By waiting even one or two days you give yourself time to reavaluate the situation. And the day you didn't think you could get through you did!

    7. If you’re feeling suicidal, you’re probably in more pain than you know how to handle. There are ways to reduce the pain, and ways to learn to deal with pain. You can learn both - either way things will get better.

    6. Just because you’re feeling suicidal doesn’t mean you have to act on that feeling.

    5. Consider this – if you’re trying to escape from the pain you are in and seek relief, suicide is not the answer. You cannot feel relief, or anything else for that matter, if you are dead. You must stay alive in order to feel the relief you seek.

    4. Often when feeling suicidal you feel alone. You are not alone – you found us didn’t you? You can also turn to your family or friends or a priest, pastor or rabbi – anyone that will listen.

    3. By terminating your life right now, you terminate your future. Your future could be wonderful. Your future is a precious thing and shuld not be discarded lightly. Tomorrow you could meet your soul mate, find a great job, etc.. etc..

    2. If you’re sensitive enough to be in so much pain that you no longer want to live, you’re probably sensitive enough to care about, and want to help others. Maybe you don’t feel like helping anyone else right now, but why not help yourself? And perhaps by not killing yourself and overcoming your difficulties you can later help someone else who is in a similar situation.

    And the Number 1 Reason you should not kill yourself:

    1. Don’t do it because whatever you’re feeling, whatever you’re going through, things can get better – I know because I’ve been there. Maybe I haven’t experienced exactly what you have, but not only have I thought of suicide, I tried it – thankfully I was unsuccessful and I can speak from personal experience when I tell you things can get better.
     
  6. David

    David Active Member

    i wish i'm deadeveryday i wake up thinking, I WISH I'M DEAD (AND I WANT IT MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD) but i just hung on and on and on.

    i can't offer you any good advice because right now, i want to be released of pain and torture. death - it doesn't sound like a bad idea to me.

    but hold on and think, is there anyone out there who will shattered because you're gone? if so, hang on for them, at least for the time being.

    i think it's not a good idea for someone so depressed to be saying anything to another similar being, but my folks are my reason for me to be still living so painfully.

    if i want to go i'll wait for them to go first.
     
  7. Always Alone

    Always Alone Guest

    Well I should be at school now, instead I'm sitting here, with a box of Pills next to me, slowly finishing them.

    Thanks for your posts but I set with what I'm doing. I been waiting foe it for so long. I should have died a few years ago, as It was some guy "saved me" next time you find some one unconscious i the street with empty packets of pills in their bag don't call 999, it was pretty obvious what I wanted!

    Your post was good, hell if I was someone else reading this I'd think that was a life saving post, but no, it not

    If your reading this then there is still a part of you that wants to live. Read on.

    Very much so, but more of me wants to go, I'm just here to keep at something while I fade away.

    Suicide is final – once it's done, there’s no changing your mind

    Will I care? Once its done can I even want to change my mind? Of course not

    By terminating your life right now, you terminate your future. Your future could be wonderful. Your future is a precious thing and shuld not be discarded lightly. Tomorrow you could meet your soul mate, find a great job, etc.. etc..

    I've lost everything from my future because of what I did, the one thing I ws gonna do, I took away from myself. My future will be ****, at least thsis way, I know whats comeing

    Don’t do it because whatever you’re feeling, whatever you’re going through, things can get better – I know because I’ve been there

    Things won't get better, they went from bad to worse, and now there going from worse to worst

    David, I'm sorry that you feel this way too, life's a bitch right? I'm glad your parents are keeping you here. I don't care if people get hurt, they never worried about hurting me, most people I know would be glad. I've been told to go kill myself so many times, those people never knew what they were doing. my friends will understand, they'd want me to be happy right?

    Blackfire, first off Nice username! I'm glad to hear you managed to stop SI, I've been trying but there's no way. I'm in way too deep. I can get a good 2 hours of blood, and feel nothing. As for bad times not lasting for ever, I doubt it, read the forum, alot of people here have felt this way for 10, 20, hell sometime even 30 years, they can last for ever. Why suffer for 20 years, only to do it then?
     
  8. nothing-

    nothing- Guest

    i'm far from someone that is qualified to be giving advice, but hey

    come on, you are 15 years old. by no means have you lost your future. you have your whole life ahead of you. no matter what you think you have done wrong, there is a whole lifetime ahead of you to make things right.

    think about the things you could accomplish. you are obviously an intelligent person. do you really want to throw away all that potential?

    do you really want to hurt your family and friends so badly? sure, if you kill yourself your pain will be gone. think about your family, though. you will be putting a lifetime of pain and suffering on them. how do you think your parents will feel? they will never be able to forgive themselves for leaving you alone for a week.

    depression is a beast; trust me, i know it well.

    i hold on because I have hope that things can get better.

    you have to get through this. if I can do it, so can you. come on...
     
  9. Always Alone

    Always Alone Guest

    Fuck it just hit me. Stomata's kinda tight, head throbbing. I don't know if this is good, but fuck it, at least its something.

    Nothing-, while I may only be 15, I have fucked up my life. I only ever wanted to do one thing, I was gonna be an officer in the British army. Not gonna happen, I had a meeting with my Army carers advise about a month ago, they checked out my health records.

    While he didet say anything directly, I know that because of this I can't join, hell he didet even arrange another meeting with me.

    I'll fail grades at school, I suck at most stuff, and test scores have show that even the stuff I enjoy and am good at, I will still fail. I just can't do exams. And life these days seems to revolve around them. I'll never get close to my sister, she got 9 sodding A*

    these are my predictions

    Maths: A
    English lit: c
    English Lang: C
    Geography: D
    French: Fail
    Chemistry: Fail
    Biology: D
    Physics: C
    Design:B
    History: Fail

    I don't even think I can live up to those. I had a maths module on Monday, and it was going ok, then halfway through the paper I just started crying, and that was it, I couldn't finish. I've already arranged to take that module again, but I don't even know what made me cry.

    My friend are betraying me, and I missed out on a change to learn the social skills to make more.

    My parents are ripping it out of each other, but won't spilt, they work so much, and they have to go away to other countries to work, every time they come back they just act like nothing happened. That works for a day or two, then there back at it, but one of them goes away the next day. Then they come back its all good again.

    I feel I did die last time, I'm just looking for a place to stop. Cutting used to remind me I was alive, no more, IO get nothing from the one thing that meant everything.

    Writing this stuff down makes it seem almost trivial, I know there are people with worse lives, its almost like I don't deserve to feel this way. But I do, and it too late now anyway.
     
  10. Always Alone

    Always Alone Guest

    Fuck, everything blurred up, I can't even walk right. I'm gonna write my letter if I can. My stomach ting, supposed to to drink water, but not. Ber i drink now, i know my liver wont have beer cos its messed up, was gonna phenone fried but cant her might phone people after. i promised him, now i've bretrayed him. not fair to him. ic Don know how long sister back in 4 hours ot gig she txted me. need to be gone by then. feeling dizzy I need to lie down, but i have to finish first. i'm sorry, for this, there should have been other ways, but this works for me, it all that can, i dont want worryi ng when i write my letter i will tell people to come here, to let you know how it turined out. i know it hurts not to know if someone is dead, worse than knowing. i am so sorry
     
  11. nothing-

    nothing- Guest

    fuck

    i truly hope you are ok.

    by the time i posted my first message it was almost 5am; i couldn't stay up any longer to talk.

    i hope that your sister found you, or that you called someone.

    the last thing i need is something like this on my conscience
     
  12. Emz

    Emz Banned Member

    hi,

    i am "darkest wolves" sister (honestly) i just wanted to let you guys know that my brother has been admitted to hospital and i dont know if he will be ok - i will try and keep you informed.

    For those of you considering suicide i ask you to think of your friends/family. i had to find out what happened at school and then hide from my teachers while i processed the information and cried rather alot. and, i have seen the friend who came round here and basically called the ambulance and police, he seemed rather upset to me. and sure, i would be the first to admit that im not that close to my brother (thats both of our faults) but i am still going through all this shit with my parents and i wish he would have talked to me, or at least someone. i know i dont share the same view on suicide as you guys (i only joined the forum to post this once i found what my brother had been saying) but all i can say is talk to people.please.

    if anyone has any advice on what i should say to my brother it would be greatly appreciated. can i actually help him?and how?

    thanks x
     
  13. hatelife

    hatelife Active Member

    hey

    im no expert but i have to agree with Emz, i have tried to overdose two times in one week and to tell the truth i still consider it. I can not stand to live with this empty feeling or dispare, abandonment and hurt but the one and only thing which is now holding me back is the pain i will cause for my family and the one or two close friends i have. but i also know that the people who were my friends but have turned away because they can not handle what is happening to me would also be hurt. People say that no one cares but i can tell u that a lot more people then you think care. I can not promise that i willl not try to overdose again because i know that chances are that i am not strone enough but i do now that my family members will not be the people who find my body. that i would not be able to handle.

    sorry if this sounds heart less but sometimes the bluntest thing is the only way. this is my personal view. i would rather live with my pain then to cause everyone else a life time of pain that will not go away. i know with my pain there is always a small chance it will go away while i stay alive.
     
  14. consciousinsane

    consciousinsane Well-Known Member

    EMZ....

    Don't let him feel guilty. Let him know that you are there for him (even though you were not that close before). He needs someone that he can trust, and I think he would trust you, because he spoke about you before. Also let him know that all of us here on this site are really concerned about him, and that we all hope he is able to recover. I am glad you posted here for us. Keep us informed. I've been worried about him.
     
  15. netean

    netean Active Member

    "Nothing-, while I may only be 15, I have fucked up my life. I only ever wanted to do one thing, I was gonna be an officer in the British army. Not gonna happen, I had a meeting with my Army carers advise about a month ago, they checked out my health records."

    ok so it's not gonna happen? Who says.

    the Age Limit for Sandhurst is 29

    "..candidates should be over 17 years and 9 months and under 29 years old on entry to Sandhurst"​

    Fúck. you're 15 now. If you join at 20 that's 4 years away, if you join at 25 that's TEN YEARS away..

    Just think what can change in 10 years? How much have you changed in the last 10 years?



    "While he didet say anything directly, I know that because of this I can't join, hell he didet even arrange another meeting with me."
    couldn't that be because you've got another 2 years before you reach the minimum age for entry?

    "I'll fail grades at school, I suck at most stuff, and test scores have show that even the stuff I enjoy and am good at, I will still fail. I just can't do exams. And life these days seems to revolve around them. I'll never get close to my sister, she got 9 sodding A* "

    you MIGHT suck at academic life at school but you KNOW that school does not define you as a success or failure.

    Look at people like Pete Waterman, Richard Branson for example:

    Life is SOOOO much more than school, Life is SOOO much more than exam results... in 10 years time no one will give a monkey's toss about your GCSE results, or your A levels for that matter!

    "these are my predictions"

    The important word there was Predictions.
    I'm guessing you think most of your teachers are idiots (probably because they are, otherwise they'd be doing other jobs instead of teaching - mostly)

    People predict things all the time, and they are more often wrong than right. Weathermen spend years tracking and plotting weather patterns, they have fancy computer that model the world's weather, but they still can't predict tomorrow's weather.

    They're Predicting your results based on their own assumptions of you and the work you've put in so far.. sorry to shatter your illusions but their predictions mean fúck all. You can CHOOSE to do well in those exams, or you can CHOOSE not to. You can CHOOSE to work your arse off between now and then, learning everything you can, practicing regularly (we get good at what we practice).
    At the end of the day, how well do they know you.. they dont' (otherwise they would have noticed you were depressed...right?)
    Why not really píss them off and make them look stupid by doing really well in your exams - they predict a fail and you get an A or B..

    If what they predict and think of you matters that much.. Change their opinion of you, show them that you are different!

    oh and look.. shock horror they think you might fail French... end of the world! one less fluent French speaker in the world!!!!... Big fúcking deal... Most of us go to France and get by knowing a couple of words: Yes no, please, thank you, 2 beers, 2 coffees etc. WE MANAGE! So will you.


    "I don't even think I can live up to those."

    then don't aspire to them... create your own goals, create your own rewards, decide what you do want to live up to and then do that..

    "My friend are betraying me, and I missed out on a change to learn the social skills to make more."

    ok so you missed out on the chance to learn the skills... Then learn the skills you need to make friends. If you don't know how to do that, ask! The social skills to making friends isn't difficult it just involves talking to people, chatting about the things you like, the things they like, building rapport and trust.

    "Cutting used to remind me I was alive, no more, IO get nothing from the one thing that meant everything."

    it HAD meant everything but you've changed... perhaps it's a sign that you're ready to move on to other things that remind you you're alive?

    Being reminded you're alive is why some people paint, draw, write books, go bungee jumping, sky diving, rock climbing, mountain biking, etc. It's why great sex is superb and bad sex is lousy. It's why people fall in love.


    When you CHOOSE to end your life, you're deciding that you never want to experience:
    great sex, falling in love, holding your child the moment it's born,
    having someone want you, wanting someone else, having someone tell you that you're great, telling someone else that they're great. Being rewarded for your achievments. learning something new.. allowing yourself to change.

    You'll never get to experience the life you want if you kill yourself!

    When you kill yourself you're telling those people around you that you don't give a shít about how they feel. that you don't care how your life and death might effect them. You're prepared to devaste the lives of those people around you - to hurt them. Whether you believe it or not today. there are people who DO care about you. You have an effect on other people. Make it a positive effect not a negative one (suicide has a VERY VERY VERY negative effect)

    by ending your life, you're not choosing a better way. you're choosing to admit that you're life won't get better. It may not be better today, it may not be tomorrow... but what about next week when you bump into someone who might be your solemate and the love of your life... or next month when you read a book or watch a tv programme that changes your beliefs.
    or next year when you get the opportunity to do something you've always wanted to do. or in 5 years time when you look back and realise just how much your views and opinions have changed. or in 6 years when you get married, or in 7 years when you hold your new born son or daughter. or 10 years when you get promoted for being good at your job. or when you buy your first house. or when you make your first million, or ?
     
  16. Always Alone

    Always Alone Guest

    Fuck Fuck Fuck

    I just got out, I don't want to be here, I don't want to be anywhere. I have to get the fuck out of here.

    They want me to take these fucking pills, to.. fuck I don't even know what they fucking do! I won't take them, if they use the pills to mess up my mind how the fuck will I even know who I am?

    My sisters on the fucking site, so I can't even be posting here anymore, can't even cut right now, I don't have any knifes, I tried cutting with other stuff but I can't get deep, I dosetn help. I need to remember what it feel like

    Fucking hell, I post fucking personal stuff here, It easy to post it on a site, but my sister knows fucking everything. She even read my PM's for fucks sake! I guess that's my fault for being logged on. It just feels weird, she knows all this stuff about my life, that I really don't want her to know, she herself said we don't get on, how the fuck is anything going to work now. I'll have to find another forum, or at least make a new account.

    I read all your posts but fuck it, all they did was make me feel worse, its like I don't even deserve to feel the way I do anymore.

    Whatever, one one of the big things (Something I can't mention here, even if my sis wasn't here) has started to defuse, it could still happen but at least it won't be my fault.

    Even so all I want to do right now is to go lie down on the train tracks. I don't even know anymore.

    I don't know, I cant even think, part of me WANTS to feel this way. I don't want to change, I made a decision and people who I didn't want to (Not you guys, when I post I'm looking for help) interfered with that decision. I owe it to myself to finish what I started. I have to kill myself, because I died when I made the decision to take those pills.

    I'm not sure where to go anymore, I know hospital helped, my headaches gone, and the distinction between days has come back.

    I don't know, this doesnt feel 100% right anymore, but it still feel more right that anything else. I just want to slowly fade away right now.
     
  17. GhostOfYou

    GhostOfYou Well-Known Member

    listen I'm really sorry you're going through all this. I'm sure your sister, emz, was only trying to help because she cares about you.
    You might not like the pills, but try to be open to them. They might help you.
    PM me anytime.
     
  18. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Hey there DW listen to me don't feel guilty about anything ok,this is what depression does to you and thing's can and will get better it won't be like this forever.Take your time and try to relax and take a breather,don't do anything at the moment you dont feel like doing try to sit back and reflect a little on thing's.You're still young and give yourself time,believe me so I can reassure you that these bad and sad times will certainly pass,give yourself as much time as you need and take it easy.
    It's all cool just take it easy matey,slowly slowly as you re-build your confidence you can begin by saying hello to people even strangers of course and get the feel of making friends or just being friendly.Don't be so hard on yourself I'm telling you because I've been doing it for years and know what it's like not because I want to have a go at you.
    Dont feel ashamed because you've posted how you feel they're your true feelings and sadly you're in a bad way for the moment yes for the moment.Emotions come and go in a mixture of ways and it's how we handle them is the key,overwhelmingly it's not easy because it does take us over.Hey we dont like feeling depressed do we?Or else we'd flick a switch and change it like that,we can only do our best to learn from thing's past mistakes slowly and gradually.
    I know life is a battle but don't fear as I said take it easy and dont feel like you're under pressure go with the flow and give yourself time.
     
  19. ~Serendipity~

    ~Serendipity~ Active Member

    It truly breaks my heart to read what you are going through right now !!! I do not have anything to say that will make you miraculously feel better but if I could would just give you the biggest hug .... I am glad your still here maybe now your sister knows more about how you feel you have nothing to lose by talking to her ... she may surprise you xxx
     
  20. Xian

    Xian Well-Known Member

    I know exactly what you mean when you say that you're already dead. I was there, in a fucking grave pretty much, so close. And then I made the decision to fight my demons and carry my cross because the TRUTH is that I was never alone. You are never alone, you are never alone, never forget that, no matter how lonely you feel, you are never alone.

    I beat depression. I am proof that it can be done. These doctors are trying to help you, but you need to choose to help yourself. It's not easy, but it must be done. Never forget that you have the spirit of everyone who has ever recovered with you, believe me...

    :hug:

    The
    :angel: :angel: :angel: :angel:
    are with you...wiping away every tear...
     
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