I Finally Learned What It's All About

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by CityBlue, Feb 6, 2011.

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  1. CityBlue

    CityBlue Member

    Today I worked all day on a Super Bowl party and just before the game started my father reminded me that I am the biggest piece of shit that ever lived. Things had been a little better over the last year because I had forgotten but it's nice to feel like myself again.
  2. Robin

    Robin Guest

    Do you know what I've learned in over 30 yrs? The worst folks often have the worst things to say, and those with the ability to do kind things often say nothing at all :hug: :)
  3. CityBlue

    CityBlue Member

    Being kind is the pussiest thing anybody has ever done. I have gained a shit load of weight and am showing all of the signs of a stroke.

    If I wasn't such a pussy I'd be long gone by now but I'm taking the medical route and can't wait for it to happen.
  4. CityBlue

    CityBlue Member

    Seriously, if God was real then he's the most fucked up thing that ever existed. I just want the dirt nap and nothing else.

    If anybody else is thinking of it and worried about the afterlife you need to know that it's a bullshit myth. I've spent my whole life praying and trying to develop a relationship with God and I can say that there is no God or he's deaf as shit because he's never responded to shit I've said.

    I've volunteered with the handicapped and tried everything I could to live a good life and everything I've done has been answered with a swift kick in the nuts. DEATH IS SOMETHING I PRAY FOR EVERY NIGHT.
  5. Robin

    Robin Guest

  6. CityBlue

    CityBlue Member

    The harder I've tried the harder my nuts have been kicked.
  7. Robin

    Robin Guest

    That I can't argue with, there will, at least for the foreseeable future, be those who will suffer and greatly, of that there can be absolutely no doubt. But we have the ability to learn and improve and most importantly the ability to care when we cannot help. I know it isn't much help but there are folks out there who would help in a flash if they could but we are small, imperfect and each very unique, and I think that is what makes us great :)

    Am sorry you believe God does not care, I dunno anything about God, I don't think anyone would or could, maybe he's napping, or maybe he was never awake to begin with.

    No matter how small and how useless you feel, never underestimate even the smallest kindness which you will likely not even get a thank you for, you may may just save a soul, God or no God.
  8. CityBlue

    CityBlue Member

    When I was about sixteen I wanted a leather bomber jacket so I asked my parents. I got the expected "Are you kidding?" response. So I got a job and saved all of my money to buy it for myself, I couldn't have been more proud and pretty much wore it everywhere.

    The problem is that right after I bought it, my parents went out and bought my younger brother a leather jacket. Then they made fun of mine because it wasn't as nice as his.

    Then there was a car I wanted and my father went and bought it for my younger brother. He even made a point to stare right at me at dinner that night to say "Those Hondas are great cars, they run forever". I don't know why anybody would ever want to make their own kid feel that bad and worthless.

    There was also the time I wanted a BMX bike because they had a track and races every weekend. I had used a friend's bike once and was very good so they bought one for my younger brother instead. The next year they bought him another (nicer) bike and I was soooo excited because I figured I could get his old bike but they gave that away so I wouldn't get it. I even scrounged up old bike parts and tried to make one for myself but I couldn't figure out how to get the breaks to work.

    One of my younger brothers got arrested for vandalism a couple times, the other two were into drugs and got suspended from school, I never got in trouble once and always tried to do the right thing but according to my father (when I was six or seven), I was "an asshole, an asshole, an asshole".

    He also used to think it was funny to turn the lights out on me when I was in the basement and make scary noises to see me panic.

    I seriously think that if my own family hates me and actively roots against me being happy or successful then I pretty much don't deserve to live. I've spent my whole life trying not to be this horrible person, I've volunteered with handicapped people, I gave to charity and helped everybody in my family when they've needed it. I recently helped one of my younger brothers move, I spent the whole day there (I even got there before he did and started hours earlier). He pretty much bitched at me the whole time. Now when I see him, he can't even look me in the face. He even went of on me, another brother and our father recently and then came back and apologized........to my father and brother. He doesn't respect me at all and I've never been anything but good to him. I took him places and did things with him when he was broke and spent a ton of money so he could have a good time. I protected him from getting picked on when he was a kid. Yet the only time I hear from him is when he wants something, and even then he is horrible to me when I'm helping.

    This is nothing new, I've been living with this my whole life. When I was a kid I always thought my mother give me poisoned food because they didn't want me, the only liked my brothers. I always ate the food though, because I figured that they were right.
  9. CityBlue

    CityBlue Member

    I'm the dog that just wants somebody to be nice to it. You can keep calling me back and I'll be right there, tail wagging. Then you can kick me in the face and laugh your ass off. It's even fun to hold out a little bit of food and talk nice to me, I'll come right back again for the kick in the face.
  10. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    My GOD I need to go punch someone :rant:
    If there is one thing I can't stand its a parent/parents who belittle their own child (or anyone elses for that matter).
    Would cheerfully spend an hour with your parent and a baseball bat GRRRRR!!!!

    Right, now shove all that crap away, it will be a hard battle because a child that is made to feel worthless carries those feelings into their adult life.
    You are not worthless, just damaged by a negative childhood.
    You can overcome that negative childhood with some hard work and a determination to prove just how wrong they were (AND THEY ARE WRONG!!! ....damn angry again :rant:).
    Find someone to talk to, counsellor, friend, doctor, whatever.
    Get it all out.
    Then have a really good think about what you were really like, the kid who didn't get into trouble, the GOOD kid.
    Sometimes families pick a scapegoat in the family, God knows why; it's beyond my comprehension, but it happens.
    This is not your fault or even anything to do with you, you were just the unlucky one.
    Change it by being who you want to be, being the best you can be and basically spit in their eye by being happy :hug:
  11. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    your family sounds really toxic. you don't live with them, do you? if you do, get out asap. you need a safe place to be where you can start to heal from their abuse.
  12. Atompilz

    Atompilz Well-Known Member

    Have you ever read A Boy Called It by David Pelzer? It is a true story about David growing up, he also wrote two follow on books. The things you said really made me think of this book as he was treated really badly by his mother, then his father joined in and then his siblings. They were all scared of the mother (who at one point had been lovely to him) and it was easier to go along with her abuse until they started to beleive it was normal. The boy was starved and kept in the cellar in the dark, he was beaten and abused beyond belief and people were too scared to help him.

    He also tried to be nice all the time hoping it would make them be nice to him or that he would be rewarded but he never was. The first book ends with him being helped by a teacher then the police and he is told he will never have to see them again and is safe.

    I think this is sometimes the only way with abuse like you suffered. You can cut all ties and perhaps one day forgive them. This doesn't mean you have to see them but it would unload the burden from you.

    The main thing you need to know and remember at all times is that you didn't deserve any of it and it is them in the wrong not you. I don't believe in god but I do believe that a person who does good will be rewarded for it. You have been a good person and it sounds as though you really help other people, people you know and people you will never meet through the charities. This is a wonderful quality to have, please don't change this, perhaps just having one good person who does one good act makes up for some of the abuse done by evil people. If the world loses you then it will lose one of the good people and then the evil people will win. If you died then it would not hurt the people who abused you, it would only hurt those who truly love you, those who see you for who you are rather than an object to bully and belittle.

    Be safe.XXX
  13. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Assuming that God actually exists, I think that God is pretty vengeful to allow so much suffering in the world. A loving God wouldn't allow this. Maybe God is more like us than we could ever imagine? Maybe God has a darkside as well? Sorry to hear that God never responded to your wishes. Hey, if volunteering didn't bring you any happiness or fulfillment, then find something that you do enjoy doing. Don't give up. :hug:
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