If you don't know what I'm talking about, read my diary. http://www.suicideforum.com/showthread.php?p=803115#post803115 I never could see it. I used to get bitter coz I was sick, or had a bad day. This is different. I don't know what love is guys. My parents are perfect but coz I'm possessed I've never got along with them in the past 9 years and I basically hate their guts. My brother is too stupid to have a proper relationship with me, he's 'simple' but he takes care of me. As for romance, I only really ever loved one girl, and for whatever reason, she wasn't ready for a relationship with anyone (she said), it didn't work, and I loved her so much and I tried everything, I mean you see how I write, try to imagine other than what's in the diary, I swept her off her feet. I'm thinking 'Others have done this' they haven't, I'm a bully in everything, trying to bully someone into a relationship, I mean I said I could really never have a real relationship like she couldn't coz I have MCS, I'll never be able to do anything guys, I just wanted a few pet words and for her to say 'I love you Chris', at least I got half of that, the lesser half. And it's all dreams ;__; it's always fucking dreams with me...New Age this, story that...my whole life I just WISH something was real ._. You don't know me. You don't know my past. It's horrific, I've been banned from places all over the internet. ._. I'm so horrible, God I'm so horrible. Even people here have told me, I mean I made them upset over little things but they still told me. And they were right. All of my enemies who ever attacked me and put me down - they were right, I'm worthless. I hate my tears. ;__; I hate my diseases. I hate my family. And I hate myself. God help me, I don't know what is going to happen to me...If you can hear me God, like I asked you last time, when I burnt an email as a very broken 12 step prayer and was left with a small piece of paper with the name 'Christopher' on it (see After effects thread) I need you now again, it's all gone God, I can't work, I can't study, my parents have said they are ashamed of me coz I'm 29 and tho living in a granny flat att to house with it's own bathroom and kitchen and bedroom and spare room etc. and I do my own cooking and cleaning coz I have to coz I have MCS, I'm essentially living with them so that's how they feel. I've got no future, I'll never have a relationship coz I'm cursed guys, it's never meant to work here, and I know you're just human, you don't need to reply if you can't, I just needed to express this coz I never had this immense realisation before, I don't know how to describe it, have I been abused? I'm not sure, but I know I'm non-sexually masochistic and LOVE failure and destroying myself, so I destroyed my future in every way, for the sake of SOME fucking pearl, a useless pearl, I don't want it anymore, you can have it - take it, TAKE IT AWAY! I don't think anyone will ever be sure, but what I do know is that I'm sorry, I'm worthless and I hope someday my Higher Power (thanks Tobes ) forgives me, otherwise I will rot in here forever...I'm not even going to edit this.