I finally see it, after 29.9 years of life - I'm worthless

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by DrivEthermissIon, Nov 29, 2009.

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  1. DrivEthermissIon

    DrivEthermissIon Banned Member

    If you don't know what I'm talking about, read my diary.


    I never could see it. I used to get bitter coz I was sick, or had a bad day. This is different.

    I don't know what love is guys. My parents are perfect but coz I'm possessed I've never got along with them in the past 9 years and I basically hate their guts. My brother is too stupid to have a proper relationship with me, he's 'simple' but he takes care of me.

    As for romance, I only really ever loved one girl, and for whatever reason, she wasn't ready for a relationship with anyone (she said), it didn't work, and I loved her so much and I tried everything, I mean you see how I write, try to imagine other than what's in the diary, I swept her off her feet.

    I'm thinking 'Others have done this' they haven't, I'm a bully in everything, trying to bully someone into a relationship, I mean I said I could really never have a real relationship like she couldn't coz I have MCS, I'll never be able to do anything guys, I just wanted a few pet words and for her to say 'I love you Chris', at least I got half of that, the lesser half.

    And it's all dreams ;__; it's always fucking dreams with me...New Age this, story that...my whole life I just WISH something was real ._.

    You don't know me. You don't know my past. It's horrific, I've been banned from places all over the internet. ._. I'm so horrible, God I'm so horrible. Even people here have told me, I mean I made them upset over little things but they still told me. And they were right. All of my enemies who ever attacked me and put me down - they were right, I'm worthless.

    I hate my tears. ;__; I hate my diseases. I hate my family. And I hate myself. God help me, I don't know what is going to happen to me...If you can hear me God, like I asked you last time, when I burnt an email as a very broken 12 step prayer and was left with a small piece of paper with the name 'Christopher' on it (see After effects thread) I need you now again, it's all gone God, I can't work, I can't study, my parents have said they are ashamed of me coz I'm 29 and tho living in a granny flat att to house with it's own bathroom and kitchen and bedroom and spare room etc. and I do my own cooking and cleaning coz I have to coz I have MCS, I'm essentially living with them so that's how they feel. I've got no future, I'll never have a relationship coz I'm cursed guys, it's never meant to work here, and I know you're just human, you don't need to reply if you can't, I just needed to express this coz I never had this immense realisation before, I don't know how to describe it, have I been abused? I'm not sure, but I know I'm non-sexually masochistic and LOVE failure and destroying myself, so I destroyed my future in every way, for the sake of SOME fucking pearl, a useless pearl, I don't want it anymore, you can have it - take it, TAKE IT AWAY! I don't think anyone will ever be sure, but what I do know is that I'm sorry, I'm worthless and I hope someday my Higher Power (thanks Tobes :) ) forgives me, otherwise I will rot in here forever...I'm not even going to edit this.
  2. DrivEthermissIon

    DrivEthermissIon Banned Member

    And no, I don't drink, I can't smoke either or have coffee, I just wasn't sure which mood to put than hung over...
  3. DrivEthermissIon

    DrivEthermissIon Banned Member

  4. DrivEthermissIon

    DrivEthermissIon Banned Member

    Good night guys ._.
  5. Tim.

    Tim. SF Emoti-King

    Hey dude, you're not worthless.

    Love is something that doesn't make sense to a lot of people, and relationships often don't work. It's hard.

    For what it's worth, you're still a good guy. I've never seen you do anything that would make me think otherwise. And if you did and I don't know? So what. Everybody makes mistakes and hurts people sometimes. You want to do the right thing for folks, and that's pretty good.

    You're struggling through things, and I hope you feel better. Sorry I can't offer any great advice, just good luck.
  6. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Chris I dont think anyone really does until it happens. I mean we are smothered with images and stories of what it has been for others or how it should be. But until it really happens you cant know "love". Just my personal view on it.
    But I would have to say you do know love hun. You offer it to many members here. You seem to know when someone needs to feel like someone out there cares or loves them. So you do know atleast one type of love. And to others it can be the most important thing in their lives at that moment that you are offering it.

    Why give your enemies that kind of power? Instead of listening to them, listen to the people here that think you arent worthless. When a person can feel and understand another persons pain, usually a complete stranger as in the so many cases here, they cant be labelled as worthless. You have that understanding Chris. And you show your worth everytime you post and try to help someone through the pain that you understand all too well.

    Glad you didnt. You need and have just as much right as any one else here to voice exactly what you are feeling. Shows that you arent worthless or dont understand love hun. It shows that you hurt just the same as anyone else. It shows you're human just like the rest of us!!! Keep posting and keep letting us show you your worth and some love!! :arms: x's & o's!!!
  7. brueyh1976

    brueyh1976 Well-Known Member

    Chris, I agree with everything Carla says. Stay here with us and keep fighting.
  8. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

  9. bubblin girl

    bubblin girl Well-Known Member

    you are not worthless...and i donno how to love either...hope u feel better soon
    take care
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 29, 2009
  10. DrivEthermissIon

    DrivEthermissIon Banned Member

    I'm feeling better

    Thank-you guys. Amazing how affected I am by this type of love and neediness *laughs lightly* . I will be okay, thank-you so much. What you have to understand is that because of the pearl I was talking about, my problems don't really get to me most of the time at all ^______^ , but interaction with someone I keep deeper in my heart than anyone else has the power to shatter all my confidence.

    But as I have said before, I carry them in my heart *smiles* and that keeps me happy and strong. When my e-mood starts working again, I will change it to happy. I just want you to know that it's very powerful for me, it's like a shock to my system like a defibrillator but to a different heart, I don't know why sometimes, like I'm connected to that person, and she doesn't really understand, poor thing. But I'll send kind emails, I think it's better if they don't reply and that'll be our tragic relationship, that's their intention most of the time, they replied recently with some nice things after a few weeks after saying they ignored me coz they were worried and scared they had hurt me and that they gave sadness to everyone including me and they thought I was upset with them (but I wasn't, I was upset at myself for not being able to be there for her - she's perfect to me - I'm the horrible, messed up one), but I couldn't handle it when I saw the word friend and the obvious platonia, reinforced when they didn't reply today to my replies. I told them I would love to be just friends, but that when I told myself to do that something inside me started screaming in agony, my body just wouldn't listen, it reacts violently in pain and terror. What I admire about her is in the past I have got upset and they never did ^__^ . I really love that about her. Poor thing.

    But life goes on, I will carry her in my heart, with the hope that some day when I am free of these chains, I can give her a real hug ^__^ . I've never seen a photo, and I don't care what she looks like. I still keep the original words she said to me back in October, the first time I heard from her ^__^ . I saved it in a MS Word file.

    It's okay, I tend to make a big fuss, it's okay ^__^ thank-you so much (((((((((((((((((((((((everyone)))))))))))))))))))))))))

  11. DrivEthermissIon

    DrivEthermissIon Banned Member

  12. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    Chris, I can't open it on iPod, can you tell me what it is please, then I'll go to youtube.
  13. DrivEthermissIon

    DrivEthermissIon Banned Member

    It's just that Fireflies song by Owl City sorry. But here's another one: So far away by Staind.
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