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I finally sent the message I've avoided for 2 years

#1
It's a long story, but I found my biological sister's social media accounts 2 years ago after losing touch due to abuse by my biological dad 20 years ago.

My biological mother turned her back and I felt like I had no choice but to disappear from their lives. I've spent the last 2 years trying to find the words and the nerve to send a message.

I must have written and rewritten that message 10 times or more. I finally sent it today around 6am, knowing that there was no danger of her being there to receive it at that time.

Please, don't tell me that it's a good thing. I have no idea if she'll react like my mother.. and treat me like I'm nothing. And even if she gets in touch, there's no knowing if she'd even want to get to know this broken mess.

A big part of me doesn't expect a reply. Another big part doesn't want a reply. The pressure of hiding what I've become, and the shame that I carry with me feels impossible to conceal.

In a way sending the letter was the last thing I had to do. I can die now knowing I finally did everything I could. I finally did the last step. In a way, a reply or not doesn't seem to matter in this moment. The things I still had to do are done and I am cut free.

It feels very sad and heavy in my heart. I know deep down that I don't want my sister to know the darkness that walks with me. I know it's selfish to send the message at all if I'm just going to die, but I had to finish what I started.
 

MisterBGone

SF Supporter
#2
It hurts me to know how troubling things have turned out for you, and the life of pain you've come to know & known--as a result of, or at the hands of someone else. Meaning, in other words, through "No fault of Your own!" . . .

I, on the other hand, have had many things not go my way. But outside of one or maybe two things, they've all been justifiable & certifiable - (it is my belief anyway) - My fault... Now, while I realize that this is difficult to quantify, with any true or real degree of accuracy! Or say for sure; due to it's "subjectivity," that which is "objective," this is where I stand in a rather firm position as the Judge in my Life(time).

Now which bring me back to you, and my (previous) point: You cannot in any way shape or form be expected to make or pass a qualified and accurate assessment on who and what you are (in Life), or how far or how well you've done, also in terms of what you've become. For it is an "opinion," that is rooted in subjectivism. I coming from a different position and point of view, however, in this instance, am able to offer you a better in fact (even more qualified, it could be argued) say on things in your life & its situation. Because I am not clouded, or colored by such "judgement," or hindering self-critique.

I do admit that this could change over time, as I came to know you better, and then begin to form more and/or greater biases towards you. But as of now, that is not the case. I can see very clearly what it is, and how I feel / think / believe it to be true. Because I can see though all of the rest of it, and get to just the heart of the rooted facts. As they are...

You may say, "Well? What does He know! He doesn't know the half of it..." And you may be right. But I have a hunch you've shared with the forums & the boards just a bit more, than a mere glimpse of the "Cliff Notes," or accentuated 'highlights,' & 'best hits' of your life. I feel, on the other hand, that you've likely or probably shared a whole lot more than even you're aware. And it is sometimes in the act of this process, even in the more seemingly mundane perhpas, that or (in) which we are the most revealing (of ourselves) in a way!

I'm proud of you, for how far you've come. On what must seem an out of this world, or at times, out of body experience--when it comes to, or your, 'Journey.'

But just know this: just because you'd always planned on something (going down a certain way, once a certain thing happens, almost as if it's part of your Fate, or a predetermined destiny - of sorts, even though you may have had a hand at part of it) doesn't always/exactly -- necessarily! mean that it has to be. . . Yes, it can feel that way! I've always felt or believed that this would, or will be, as a result of that being done, or come to fruition (or "to pass," as you say). It then can become a feeling where it is something more of a compulsion of sorts, almost, a 'will' if you will?

And this is what we don't want- I was there, standing in your shoes, for not the very same identical reasons of course. But some 12 years ago maybe, I got to that very same place, where I could've written what you'd just filled in now with the end of your note (here). Such that, I felt there was (now - at the/or that time...) "no other way." A very dangerous headspace to be in - in my opinion, or view.

And so I'd just like to caution, or advise you to wait, and not do anything too... not impulsive; but? I can't quite find the right word. I swear to you it was here when I began. And now like most of the rest of my sanity, it has vanished, or gone! Hang on and don't do what I did-- I guess, is in part where I was going or intending to end/wind up with this.

So, that is that! I hope I've not overextended myself, or said too much. Infringed upon territory that is unwanted. Or made you to somehow feel worse than you did before, or prior to reading (all) this. Again, this is the best I am capable of at this given moment - "in time!"
 

extraterrestrialone

untwisting the pretzel
SF Supporter
#3
there was sexual abuse by my grandfather and my father to my younger sister. the worst was perpetrated by our grandfather. if you know me even a little - i’ve posted here many times - i am the self harmer of the family. i have no recollection of anything “bad” that might have been done to me but i do know about my sister. much has gone on between me and my sister - not all good - but generally we’ve kept a close connection and we are allies, siblings and friends now.

she knows about me and i know about her but only in recent days i’ve learned that she kept hidden - an eating disorder. that means that she actually has been self harming - just in different ways. i truly believe that as long as there is active pain in a person’s life, things are not resolved.

of course i don’t know about your life and your sister’s and you may be right about her possible reactions to your letter. my sister and i have 3 other brothers. what we all know for sure is the dysfunctional family we’re from but we don’t all know of each’s active suffering from possible/likely abuse.

i’m sure we all want to heal and turning one’s back may seem like a good escape - i’m pretty sure that that is what my brothers are doing - but i don’t think it is a good escape.

if there is anything i can say to you is it is so great that you sent the letter. and i can only hope that this somehow liberates your sister and you do come to terms with each other and can get close and heal together. i know for myself how hard i’ve been working and how lonely and hopeless it so often feels.

i know from the little i know of you from this site, how you’ve suffered too. i don’t know that i can offer advice but i’ve recently joined an organization that is for victims of childhood sexual abuse. i don’t know if you are looking for anything like this and i’ve only attended a few times so i cant tell yet if this is something that is helpful, but here’s the link if you’d like to check on it yourself. http://www.hiddenwatercircle.org/

i’m very pro healing and my wish is that rather than having reached a sad “ending” you can get the happiness or resolution that is your right to have - you - your sister and everyone who suffers in life due to abuse. i keep trying to believe that there is something good up ahead. i hope you can reach it.
 
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#5
Thank you very much for the replies. Things feel very final. Heavy. Flat. I've been here before, in the eye of the suicidal storm. Quiet, like all the air has been sucked out. Still, even though I can feel the chaos whipping around the edges.

It feels like all my unfinished business is done. I have no way to heal. There are many places that are focused on helping adult survivors of abuse as kids, but not so many to help those whose own parents do unthinkable things when they are adults. Yes, there's rape crisis. And maybe it could have helped me when I was targetted at age 18 by a stranger. But the abuse by my biological dad 5 years later was nothing like the fall out from the first time. It tore my entire sense of self apart in ways I've never been able to put back together.

I'm not ok. I haven't been ok for 20 years. I still see all horrible images crawling around my head, feel them in my heart. I want to scream at my biological dad that it's all his fault, but the only words that come are, I let him.
 

MisterBGone

SF Supporter
#6
Hey- @VioletDawn ! : ) it's good to hear from You, again~ ... I just want you to know -(& I know that you may be already do?) -- / but that, "YOU" Didn't 'Let him,' do any-thing To You! ...it's TRUE: (It was Done TO You. . ) There's a difference, & a 'distinction,' there -- that I think needs qualifying, or "correcting," maybe is too strong a word. I had a better one, adn of course; "lost~it!!!" __ but the point is this: Now you may say; 'Hey?! Don't you think I already know that. . . Just in terms of the facts of the matter / or the case, at hand may be. But! That is Not MY REALITY (that i live with- each & every day!) . . . that may be Yours, Or the General Publics' were they to have heard of the story; or my "truth," in terms of History- " And so I say to you, I get this, (or i suppose, rather that I don't/or do not; given that I have never been?) _That said: I'm still of the 'firm belief,' that there is help out there some where. I'll be dog_goned^ *IF~ I know where. . .? // but I'm not ready to give up on this yet, that being~ 'You!' And this is what worries me so (now) -- the way in which you're describing your 'current state.' It could not be any more familiar territory to me; & this is why it scares me so (for You - & Your well-being: or safety!). I know it "feels," right... maybe? Or like it, "Has~ to-be!" But that doesn't mean it has to be so, or come to pass. I'd like to see you stick it through & wait for the tides to change, and the waters to calm / settle before making any big or drastic/radical decision.s That's all! Take good CARE- :^)
 

Dante

In the SF doghouse with Burt
SF Pro
SF Supporter
#7
I know it may seem off topic, but bear with me.

I work across many schools and there is this interesting phenomenon that you get to see sometimes which really illustrates how incomplete kids minds are, its fascinating, very occasionally a kid will come across a situation that their mind hasn't yet formulated any kind of framework to respond to the situation they find themselves in, and when that happens, they simply dont respond at all. I have seen a kid trying to carry a tray of water bottles that was way too heavy for her and dropped it, and something like 4 or 5 litres of water started spilling out onto the floor of her classroom, and the kid froze, she knew it was bad but had no mental framework for dealing with the situation without a teacher or parent to tell her what to do so she simply froze. I had to walk over and take the tray out of her hands and direct the kids to mop up, then another kid tried to fill a bottle again without taking off the lid and again water started going everywhere and again they froze.

As adults we have come very far from when we were kids, and we have filled in most of those gaps, we can respond to almost all situations, even if there is no good response, we can at least respond, but such a violation from a parent, someone we are taught from birth to trust and accept the actions of without question, your mind simply wasn't equipped to deal with it and you froze. You didn't LET him, you just had no mental framework to form a response to a situation so far outside of what you had ever prepared for, so you couldnt respond. Whatever happened was ENTIRELY on him. Your inability to respond just shows you trusted your parent, and only deepens the sin he committed by betraying that. ANY guilt you feel is not warrented AT ALL, and any rage you feel towards him is deserved and then some.

You are innocent in this, you ARE! All that happened was because of what he did and your inability to process and respond to something so wholly unexpected and unacceptable, which is just part and parcel of what it is to be human. I dont think ANYONE could respond to something like that without prior experience. You HAVE to know you are blameless. The only shame you should feel is for having that as a parent, the only guilt you should feel is for feeling guilty in the first place. If anyone should have vanished from the family it is him not you. If your sister accepts and welcomes you, then good, if not, then she isnt worth your time and you can write off the lot of them as wastes.

I dont know the particulars of what happened, but any action by a parent so unacceptable and so unwelcome that you cant even process it in the moment and have no choice but to run afterwards, I dont need the details to hate him, and to accept you.
 

Jane65

Well-Known Member
#9
I have no memories of my childhood abuse but it is documented. I was abused again many times in care as well as within my own family. What really struck me from what you said was "I let him". The part of me that is filled with shame and self loathing is that I allowed someone to groom me and repeatedly sexually abuse me as a young adult (23yrs) while I was an inpatient in psychiatric care. I have used your exact words so many times about that abuse. No matter how often I am told it, I can not that my previous abuse made me a vulnerable adult and rather than "letting him" abuse me I simply did not know how to stop it. I let him groom me because I was desperate for kindly attention.

It is so hard to hear other people say it was not your fault and actually believe them.

The only way I have made any progress on this was when my therapist asked me how I might respond if an imaginary friend told me they had been through a similar experience and how would I respond to my "friend" if they said "but I let him do it". Then the therapist asked me why I thought I deserved a worse response from people who really cared about me. At first it was hard. But over time I have begun to feel less ashamed for "letting it happen" and understand that my previous experience made me a very soft target.
I hope that by sharing my experience it might help you to just consider that you just might not be to blame for "letting him".

I DO NOT believe you actually chose to let yourself be so horrifically harmed but rather you didnt know how to make it stop? Or that you felt you had too much to lose if you said no to him? Either way you were no more to blame for what happened to you than I or my imaginary friend were.

I really hope this helps a little and that I have not made this so much about me that you dont feel heard.

I'm thinking about you xxx
 
#10
@Dante Thank you for your post. What you write about freezing when there's no mental framework in place, that really spoke to me. I have autism, asperger's specifically, and I've always said that I need to know what to do, in order to know what to do. My ability to think on my feet in real time is really bad. I have a lot of times when unexpected things happen and I get stuck. At those times I'm at my most vulnerable, often doing what I'm told.

I struggle very much with knowing on the one hand that it wasn't my fault, and on the other hand dealing with the total horror of not being able to make it not have happened at all.

I can't live with this. I don't know how. It's like you say, I have no mental framework for how to live with the unliveable. I'm a big believer that we have to accept hard and unwanted truths to be able to leave them behind and move forward, but I can't even look at this one never mind accept it.

The shame isn't tied to the guilt. Or at least not completely. I spend so much time trying not to acknowledge me the person, because the feelings of repulsiveness build and build. That's a big part of why I'm terrified of my sister and brother finding out how dark things have become for me. No one would blame them from walking away, least of all me. Deep down I know that I don't deserve love, or happiness, or family. Deep down I know that ultimately, everybody leaves.

I struggle so much with wanting to completely erase myself from this planet as I feel that I am nothing but a grotesque and despicable product of evil.
 
#11
Thank you @MisterBGone, @may71. My thoughts are falling over themselves and I want to say that your message truly touch me as I don't really feel worthy of your kind words. I want to be able to say that your right. You have no idea how much I want to stand up and say it wasn't my fault, but I know in my heart that I don't feel that way despite desperately wanting to. I almost wish I could split myself in 2 so I could beat the living daylights out of myself.

@Jane65 I'm so sorry that you went through those awful experiences. It's true that it's much easier to tell other people that it wasn't your fault. It's beyond horrible that you went through so much at the hands of people who should have protected you. You didn't deserve any of that.

For me, I distinctly remember the one thought that completely filled my whole consciousness.. "I can't believe it's happening again". I think that was the point I gave up the belief that my life was my own, and that I had any control over what happened to me. I think that's the moment I stopped being worth a thing.
 

MisterBGone

SF Supporter
#12
@VioletDawn , I would just like to say -- or to tell you, more specifically... that some of the best and brightest, the greatest and most fascinating & exceptional people that I have ever met, have had Asperger's Syndrome. So, while I know that you (or anybody, really?) is "Not!" their diagnosis~ per se. . . It still bares repeating, that in my case, anyway - I don't find that to be a 'negative.' Your diagnosis, that is- :)

I'm very, very happy to have heard others who have been touched by a similar terrible Fate be able to chime in and share some of their experiences with you. Not only so you don't feel so alone in the world, but also because they have the "unique," ability - as sad or unfortunate as that is, given what's given - to be able to "speak Your language~," (so-to-speak); when it comes to this sort of thing. When it comes to knowing firsthand what it's like to have gone though such a horrible, frightening ordeal.

I feel you would be in the best hands of a trained, skilled professional who specializes in this sort of thing. Again, while the reality of that happening, or coming to be the case for you is not something I know how to achieve, or make happen. . . I do think or believe that this is maybe what is necessary in order for you to process some of these profound and powerful emotions properly. And then to be able to feel these things about your self, as you would want to -- & not necessarily (just) as you'd wish (them) to...

-Sorry, my writings so "sloppy," & 'stinks!!' : / ...IF I could do better ~/~ I would probably not need (or have a need) to be here so often, or as much (quite frankly!). . . ;/

I have no idea where things stand with your siblings. So this is coming completely from an uneducated or unaware (an "unconscious," if you will~) point of view: but if they had no prior knowledge of what had happened to you --& are then in a position where they are still close to your Dad, or are on 'good terms.' Then, I could see how this (your story) would all be a little too much for them to handle at the moment (in time), or at present - which does not mean that it will/or- would, always be so! ... Just, so (that) You know - they may be operating on, or at, a different timeline, than you in this regard. Again; "If-" that even Is, ~the case...

Regardless, either way (no matter how they take it, or what their reaction is) that isn't really about you, or have a thing to do with you. As you all live separate lives and have your own worlds and views / perspectives on things. For example, and this is just hypothetically speaking (of course), were the situation reversed, and what happened to you happened to your Sister instead - and then, therefore, Not-to 'you!' Then I suppose you'd both be feeling quite opposite experiences, both in the "Then," & in the "Now." Not trying to do anything (to justify anything) other than to say, or show how it could be possible for different people with different things that have happened to them, even within the same familial (or parental) upbringing, or household could then grow up to share different outlooks on the world. Just based on what did, or (in this case). . . What 'did not,' happen to them. Big difference, obviously-

And then this is where it would be nice to have someone who is properly trained and knows how to handle and deal with, and treat patients (or people, rather) such a you, yourself, in order to help you move on from this, and then eventually one day grow and prosper to the point where you can feel better about yourself, to have this be such a hindrance in your life. And you can again make progress towards whatever it is you set your heart on going out and achieving in this life, or world. Again, it's almost like you need a psychiatrist who is willing to provide analysis, or something (& not just management of your medications).

"Shame," is one heck of an emotion (powerful enough to destroy, over time) to be carrying around with you for all of this time. I try to put myself now in the shoes of your Father, or someone like him, in some sort of parallel universe. Just so as to be able to allow myself to adopt that mindset, and then to just be able to imagine, that say I had done something like this to someone. Never mind, or let alone say it be with or for/to someone--anyone I "love!" But just so that if that was then to have transpired, or taken place. I couldn't hardly even begin to imagine, or fathom, the victim or person I'd done this to, committed this horrible, terrifying act & crime or atrocity to - then having the feelings of which you've so succinctly & forgive me for saying... "neatly," & "nicely," described! And what I mean by that, is that you have articulated them (to me) in such a way so as to explain exactly what it is that you are going through. So that even though I cannot feel, what it is that you are, and/or- have been "feeling," for all of this time - I can at least accept, or understand what it is that you are trying to express.

If that makes sense? Hopefully, at least some part of it does! . . . Take care & Keep fighting, VioletDawn~ : ) _MisterBGone-
 

Jane65

Well-Known Member
#13
@VioletDawn , I would just like to say -- or to tell you, more specifically... that some of the best and brightest, the greatest and most fascinating & exceptional people that I have ever met, have had Asperger's Syndrome. So, while I know that you (or anybody, really?) is "Not!" their diagnosis~ per se. . . It still bares repeating, that in my case, anyway - I don't find that to be a 'negative.' Your diagnosis, that is- :)

I'm very, very happy to have heard others who have been touched by a similar terrible Fate be able to chime in and share some of their experiences with you. Not only so you don't feel so alone in the world, but also because they have the "unique," ability - as sad or unfortunate as that is, given what's given - to be able to "speak Your language~," (so-to-speak); when it comes to this sort of thing. When it comes to knowing firsthand what it's like to have gone though such a horrible, frightening ordeal.

I feel you would be in the best hands of a trained, skilled professional who specializes in this sort of thing. Again, while the reality of that happening, or coming to be the case for you is not something I know how to achieve, or make happen. . . I do think or believe that this is maybe what is necessary in order for you to process some of these profound and powerful emotions properly. And then to be able to feel these things about your self, as you would want to -- & not necessarily (just) as you'd wish (them) to...

-Sorry, my writings so "sloppy," & 'stinks!!' : / ...IF I could do better ~/~ I would probably not need (or have a need) to be here so often, or as much (quite frankly!). . . ;/

I have no idea where things stand with your siblings. So this is coming completely from an uneducated or unaware (an "unconscious," if you will~) point of view: but if they had no prior knowledge of what had happened to you --& are then in a position where they are still close to your Dad, or are on 'good terms.' Then, I could see how this (your story) would all be a little too much for them to handle at the moment (in time), or at present - which does not mean that it will/or- would, always be so! ... Just, so (that) You know - they may be operating on, or at, a different timeline, than you in this regard. Again; "If-" that even Is, ~the case...

Regardless, either way (no matter how they take it, or what their reaction is) that isn't really about you, or have a thing to do with you. As you all live separate lives and have your own worlds and views / perspectives on things. For example, and this is just hypothetically speaking (of course), were the situation reversed, and what happened to you happened to your Sister instead - and then, therefore, Not-to 'you!' Then I suppose you'd both be feeling quite opposite experiences, both in the "Then," & in the "Now." Not trying to do anything (to justify anything) other than to say, or show how it could be possible for different people with different things that have happened to them, even within the same familial (or parental) upbringing, or household could then grow up to share different outlooks on the world. Just based on what did, or (in this case). . . What 'did not,' happen to them. Big difference, obviously-

And then this is where it would be nice to have someone who is properly trained and knows how to handle and deal with, and treat patients (or people, rather) such a you, yourself, in order to help you move on from this, and then eventually one day grow and prosper to the point where you can feel better about yourself, to have this be such a hindrance in your life. And you can again make progress towards whatever it is you set your heart on going out and achieving in this life, or world. Again, it's almost like you need a psychiatrist who is willing to provide analysis, or something (& not just management of your medications).

"Shame," is one heck of an emotion (powerful enough to destroy, over time) to be carrying around with you for all of this time. I try to put myself now in the shoes of your Father, or someone like him, in some sort of parallel universe. Just so as to be able to allow myself to adopt that mindset, and then to just be able to imagine, that say I had done something like this to someone. Never mind, or let alone say it be with or for/to someone--anyone I "love!" But just so that if that was then to have transpired, or taken place. I couldn't hardly even begin to imagine, or fathom, the victim or person I'd done this to, committed this horrible, terrifying act & crime or atrocity to - then having the feelings of which you've so succinctly & forgive me for saying... "neatly," & "nicely," described! And what I mean by that, is that you have articulated them (to me) in such a way so as to explain exactly what it is that you are going through. So that even though I cannot feel, what it is that you are, and/or- have been "feeling," for all of this time - I can at least accept, or understand what it is that you are trying to express.

If that makes sense? Hopefully, at least some part of it does! . . . Take care & Keep fighting, VioletDawn~ : ) _MisterBGone-
A great reply from @MisterBGone who has said with great eloquence far more than I could express. All I want to add is to say yes keep on fighting. You have survived a very long time already and deserve to reap some reward for your tenacity inspite of all shame and self loathing you have endured.
I am thinking of you and would be very happy to receive a direct message from you if you felt it might be helpful to chat.

Sending you loving gentle thoughts
Jane xxx
 
#15
I'm so scared of having to be me. I can't stand this person, this thing. I hate "me" with every fibre of my being. I've lived most of my adult life with a giant hole where "I" was supposed to be. It was the only way I could go on.

Reaching out, saying here I am, this is me, and trying to to be the me that I present... I can't do it. I can't face myself. It hurts too much. I'm not supposed to exist. It's too wretched. Every time I think about me, the person, it makes me sick to my stomach. I can't exist. I just can't. It's too horrible.

You know when there's someone that makes you so completely livid just by being in the same room with them? They make you want to scream and tear your hair out, and generally drive you completely insane. That is how I feel about myself, when I acknowledge me. I couldn't live with the not trying, but lockdown meant I couldn't keep running. I couldn't run from me anymore but at the same time, I can't be me.
 

Dante

In the SF doghouse with Burt
SF Pro
SF Supporter
#19
@Dante Thank you for your post. What you write about freezing when there's no mental framework in place, that really spoke to me. I have autism, asperger's specifically, and I've always said that I need to know what to do, in order to know what to do. My ability to think on my feet in real time is really bad. I have a lot of times when unexpected things happen and I get stuck. At those times I'm at my most vulnerable, often doing what I'm told.

I struggle very much with knowing on the one hand that it wasn't my fault, and on the other hand dealing with the total horror of not being able to make it not have happened at all.

I can't live with this. I don't know how. It's like you say, I have no mental framework for how to live with the unliveable. I'm a big believer that we have to accept hard and unwanted truths to be able to leave them behind and move forward, but I can't even look at this one never mind accept it.

The shame isn't tied to the guilt. Or at least not completely. I spend so much time trying not to acknowledge me the person, because the feelings of repulsiveness build and build. That's a big part of why I'm terrified of my sister and brother finding out how dark things have become for me. No one would blame them from walking away, least of all me. Deep down I know that I don't deserve love, or happiness, or family. Deep down I know that ultimately, everybody leaves.

I struggle so much with wanting to completely erase myself from this planet as I feel that I am nothing but a grotesque and despicable product of evil.
Im sorry it took so long to reply, it seems tags dont always work and I didnt get this notification, but Im glad I was aimlessly wandering this forum tonight because I can say the following:

No one would blame them?
I would blame them.
You are the victim, how fucking dare they turn their back on the victim and not the perpetrator. The one who suffered, the one who was hurt, THAT is who is most deserving of love, protection and happiness. YOU are most deserving of love, protection, happiness and yes, family. I know saying it wont make it so in your mind, but I can only hope that if enough people say it, you may start to accept it as truth.
 

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