It's a long story, but I found my biological sister's social media accounts 2 years ago after losing touch due to abuse by my biological dad 20 years ago.
My biological mother turned her back and I felt like I had no choice but to disappear from their lives. I've spent the last 2 years trying to find the words and the nerve to send a message.
I must have written and rewritten that message 10 times or more. I finally sent it today around 6am, knowing that there was no danger of her being there to receive it at that time.
Please, don't tell me that it's a good thing. I have no idea if she'll react like my mother.. and treat me like I'm nothing. And even if she gets in touch, there's no knowing if she'd even want to get to know this broken mess.
A big part of me doesn't expect a reply. Another big part doesn't want a reply. The pressure of hiding what I've become, and the shame that I carry with me feels impossible to conceal.
In a way sending the letter was the last thing I had to do. I can die now knowing I finally did everything I could. I finally did the last step. In a way, a reply or not doesn't seem to matter in this moment. The things I still had to do are done and I am cut free.
It feels very sad and heavy in my heart. I know deep down that I don't want my sister to know the darkness that walks with me. I know it's selfish to send the message at all if I'm just going to die, but I had to finish what I started.
My biological mother turned her back and I felt like I had no choice but to disappear from their lives. I've spent the last 2 years trying to find the words and the nerve to send a message.
I must have written and rewritten that message 10 times or more. I finally sent it today around 6am, knowing that there was no danger of her being there to receive it at that time.
Please, don't tell me that it's a good thing. I have no idea if she'll react like my mother.. and treat me like I'm nothing. And even if she gets in touch, there's no knowing if she'd even want to get to know this broken mess.
A big part of me doesn't expect a reply. Another big part doesn't want a reply. The pressure of hiding what I've become, and the shame that I carry with me feels impossible to conceal.
In a way sending the letter was the last thing I had to do. I can die now knowing I finally did everything I could. I finally did the last step. In a way, a reply or not doesn't seem to matter in this moment. The things I still had to do are done and I am cut free.
It feels very sad and heavy in my heart. I know deep down that I don't want my sister to know the darkness that walks with me. I know it's selfish to send the message at all if I'm just going to die, but I had to finish what I started.