I seem to always find myself wandering back to thoughts of suicide. I have been considering and or attempting suicide since the age of 14 years old and I am now 25. I just feel like i'm torturing myself and that these feelings will never end. Life is so overwhelming/painful and it feels like a box i'm trapped in that I want to get out of. The pain can be at times indescribable and I really don't understand how or why I am here on earth at all. I have a one year old son and a mother that I will leave behind. They are the only ones I am concerned about hurting. I know I can't live solely for them but holding on for myself does not feel like i'm doing myself any favors. I have researched different ways of doing it and my biggest fear is failure. I don't want to be placed in a hospital setting and be left with the aftermath of a failed attempt. I could lose my job, my family would know what I tried to do, and they will think negative thoughts about me even possibly say things that will hurt me. I just want out because it seems that even if the pain subsides for a while it will always come back. It always comes back. I also don't want to be left in a vegetative state and be a burden on the people I love. The happy times come so briefly looking like hope and I just feel like my mind just drinks them up because it is trying to save its self. Even now I feel the pain but it is a little numb. I just want to scream and sometimes I weep till the point I cannot even breathe. I'm not trying to convince myself not to do it I know that I want and feel like I need to permanently end the pain I have been suffering with for over a decade. However, I am so afraid of the consequences of a failed attempt. People just don't understand the hurt you have to feel to consider this much less to try.