I find myself back here again

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by msrachel, Jun 7, 2014.

  1. msrachel

    msrachel New Member

    I seem to always find myself wandering back to thoughts of suicide.
    I have been considering and or attempting suicide since the age of 14 years old and I am now 25. I just feel like i'm torturing myself and that these feelings will never end. Life is so overwhelming/painful and it feels like a box i'm trapped in that I want to get out of. The pain can be at times indescribable and I really don't understand how or why I am here on earth at all. I have a one year old son and a mother that I will leave behind. They are the only ones I am concerned about hurting. I know I can't live solely for them but holding on for myself does not feel like i'm doing myself any favors.
    I have researched different ways of doing it and my biggest fear is failure. I don't want to be placed in a hospital setting and be left with the aftermath of a failed attempt. I could lose my job, my family would know what I tried to do, and they will think negative thoughts about me even possibly say things that will hurt me. I just want out because it seems that even if the pain subsides for a while it will always come back. It always comes back. I also don't want to be left in a vegetative state and be a burden on the people I love. The happy times come so briefly looking like hope and I just feel like my mind just drinks them up because it is trying to save its self. Even now I feel the pain but it is a little numb. I just want to scream and sometimes I weep till the point I cannot even breathe. I'm not trying to convince myself not to do it I know that I want and feel like I need to permanently end the pain I have been suffering with for over a decade. However, I am so afraid of the consequences of a failed attempt. People just don't understand the hurt you have to feel to consider this much less to try.
     
  2. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I am sorry to hear that you are hurting so much. Is there anything in particular that has happened in your life for you to feel such pain? If so maybe addressing those problems with a therapist may help. It's no quick fix, it takes a lot of time and a lot of work to get there. I would also advise seeing a doctor for your depression, they may be able to help you with meds and therapy etc.
     
  3. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member



    i'm glad you posted here.

    it's a good start.

    like butterfly said, is their anything that happened to cause you so much pain?

    what kind of help are you getting at the moment (if you want to share that)
     
  4. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    Rachel that's a long time to battle with suicidal thoughts. I am sorry you have had to go through this from teenage.