I've never really kept a diary, never really knew what to say. I've been raised to stay strong, to fight & bottle up all my emotions. Live a life of pretend & make belief. I've been enslaved by physical & emotional pain most of my life, fighting and hardly sharing or talking about it cause no one will listen. 4 years ago i just gave up on fighting, living, pretending that im fine and strong. I'M NOT FINE.. I'M SUFFERING. I've had fake relationships for a long time & I've always felt that i had to compensate to the fact that im different with disabilities & mental disorders. Mostly its about what others want, if someone wants something from me they seek me out otherwise people choose to avoid me. So one day I went to my bedroom, closed the door & never left. My disabilities prevent me from finding a job. My mobility is so limited that im mostly in bed (for both physical & emotional reasons). Sometimes I walk around the house & I barely leave my bedroom. last time i went out was a month ago to pay my respects at a relative's funeral & before that it was 6 months ago for important reasons. I forgot how to talk to people, to engage in a conversation whether with my family or anyone else. I closed the door on all my friends & ( fake friends). Mostly I'm quiet now & when I go online I just close the chat.