I found peace and happiness

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by wastedmylife, Sep 4, 2008.

  1. wastedmylife

    wastedmylife Well-Known Member

    Back in 2004/05 I had finally come to terms with my life and found a peace and happiness that you wouldnt believe, I was so smart and so prepared for the rest of my life

    Then in September 05 I had to move back home, which is the worst place in the world for me, I told myself I could only live there living day to day and swallowing all my anger and hatred for my brother and dad, the thought of them breathing made me angry

    Then in Late October 2005 I was about 3 days from moving away for the final time in my life, I was so excited, I was going to start a career or a chance to play poker professionaly as I was very good and knew I would win and make alot of money, but I didnt hold all my stock in it as I said I would give myself a 6 month window then I would move to another state and perhaps go back to school

    Well I was a few days from moving away, and there was this football game that I DIDNT WANT TO FUCKING PLAY IN, my friend had called me for weeks about playing in this dumb game and every time I said NO, I do not want to play, finally the day before the game I told him, do not call me if I am there I am there if I am not I am not, and then like an idiot he called me the day of the game and like an idiot I went down there and played

    Well of course the first play of the game I broke my ankle and was confined to my house for a month where I went absolutley crazy

    Since then my life has gone to absolute hell I went crazy in that month I lived at home and I havent been able to get over it, I havent been able to get over it because I had finally come to terms with the 24 years of misery I had experienced living in that shit hole and it didnt make sense how I was so close to achieving peace and happiness for the rest of my life and this horrific injury took place

    since then my life has gone to hell, I have developed this psychological problem of internalizing all my hatred and anger whenever I hear noise which is basically a result of living at home and internalizing all my hatred and anger whenever I heard my brother or dad breathe

    My life has gone to hell now, I have developed so many physical problems as a result of the years of this intense internalizing hatred and anger, I recieved this horrific injury last month which never would have happened had I not played in that game and it has made me into less of a man that has dampered my attraction to women, the only thing that ever brought me joy even after what I have been going through was my attraction to women and the fact I loved being around them and I found a inner peace whenever I was around them, but now this injury has turned me into less of a man and I would feel ashamed being with them now because there is no way I would be able to sexually excite them

    Anyway I dont know what I am going to do, I am a broken down person, I am not going to kill myself but I dont know what I am going to to, I cant see myself getting a job or functioning in society

    I still cant get over that game, If I had not played in that game I would have achieved happiness and peace the rest of my life I would have been the happiest person on the planet and I was so smart

    I wish I had been able to psychologically get over the game right after I moved out of home again, I mean I was able to, I have done so much damage to my body and my life, my life is over

    People dont have to go through 2 horrific traumas in their life, especially when just getting over the first and finally coming to terms with it, I would have been able to handle any other trauma in my life or anything that had to come my way I just had to get out my home

    I just cant get over the peace and happiness I found after I had moved out of my house the first time, I had found a peace and happiness that was undescribable, after the trauma and horrific nature of my childhood the rest of my life would be a piece of cake, no one on the planet would have experienced and appreciated life more then me, If I just had listened to my instincts and not played in that FUCKING FOOTBALL GAME, none of this Fucking shit would have happened

    I would be happy now had I not played in that fucking football game, my dog would be alive and I would be so happy

    Now my life is over, there is no way I can go back to that mindset I had when I first achieved the peace, I know that is the only solution but I just dont see how I can go back to that mindset after all that has happened to me, I have gone through so fucking much, my body isnt healthy anymore and I can no longer get an easy erection and my poor dog is dead, all because of a dumb fucking football game