I screw everything up. i cant realyl handle it anytmore. i keep tryign to hold on but ican't. and it hurts. it really hurts. all iever wwanted to do was to ehlp but i can't. i don'te ven deserve to live anymore. my youngest sister is the most wonderufl being that ever crosesed my eyesight adn all ican thinik about si my pain and how much i feel like dying and how little i can take it. peopel have real problems. i'm so selfish. humanity. selfishness. god damn it. my fater called. we had a long talk about how he's doing better and he's sorry. but he's not. he's not sorry. were he sorrry, he would have stopped at one kid. but no. three, four, fivee of us. he beat us. he molested us. again and again and agian. and i would love to have a decent relationship with some of my siblings. for god's sake, i have nine. the one's ive seen, we don't want to see each other. the things my father made us do to eachother... the things. god. i can't handle it. i hate my father. i told myself i weould never hate anyone. if ucking told mysel.f that was a value of mine. that was a virtue. a virtue i never had. i'm not a good person.i hat myself so much and there's nothing i can do about itbut get rid of myself. i don't want to do all this whining. i feel so guilty for diong all this wining but i just don't feel well. it's useless now. it's useless. my PTSD has gotten the best of me. i keep having nightmarse of the rape. as if that isn't enough, the women in my family have to be oh-so dependant on relationships. my mother keeps subjecting herself to abuse. constantly. idont' want this for her. she shoudlst op diiinking. she should stop drinking now. she could be such a good person. but no. and i'm going to act just like her. an asshole. an alcoholic. a worthless, jobless loser, regardless of the potential i ahve. damn it. i went out with my friends today. i tried to hav fun. i loe mkaing them laugh. i love makgin epople laugh. i'm useless without that. i couldn't do it today though. i was jsut so quiet. so quiet. it's so cold. i miss my ex-boyfriend. i say i don't need him anymore. but i need him. he wantsour relationship bakc but i can't handel that right now. but i stil need him. maybe i'm just as dependent on men as my mother. i told my mother that. that she was too much of a whore. just not in those words. she got so pisse.d i dunno why i said that. i can usually hold my tongue. i wish mom would taktr her meds. my sister doesn't need to see any of this shit. she doesn't need to have it worse than i've had it. i love her too much for that. that is, if she lives that long. she's learnign to read now. i hope she stays alive long enough to learn to read me her favorite book. my sister keeps getting sicker and sicker. she's the only thing i got. the only thing. damn family to hell. all family to hell. damn them. there's nothign they ever wantesd but to make my life miserable. i was FORCED to be here so that my damn parents... fucking parents... could unload all their shit. i'm sick of having to get two jobs so that my mothed can keep the fuckign apartment rent up. we keep getting kicked out. she gets a rich boyfriend, we move in with him, they fight, he gets violent, mom gets violent, we get kicked out, we go to a hotel, we get move across country and get a new aprartment. its a neverending cycle over and over again. i hate the "over and over again" thing. it's so boring. i'm so bored and frustrated and i can't hold it all in anymore. damn grades. i'm doing worse in shcool, in life. idunno where the hell i'm going. i haven't eaten today. need the brain food, probably. i don't want to gain weightt. i don't.. pondering life's philosophical questions. what kind of twisted hell is this? i thought i could take. i beat the shit out of soem kid today. i thought i wasn't angry. i thogut i was okay. apparentyl not. look, i'm sorry. i'm not asking for sympathy. i just needed to vent. and now i feel guilty for being the bitch that i am and telling all of this, causing gmore problem than i should, evoking more emotion in others than is necessary. sorry for typos, i was typing out of emotion, not sense. that's why it probably doesnt make sense. however, i feel just slightly better now. im sorry. sorry.