I fuck everything up.

Discussion in 'Let it all out...' started by The_Discarded, Dec 12, 2006.

  1. The_Discarded

    The_Discarded Staff Alumni

    I screw everything up.

    i cant realyl handle it anytmore. i keep tryign to hold on but ican't. and it hurts. it really hurts. all iever wwanted to do was to ehlp but i can't. i don'te ven deserve to live anymore. my youngest sister is the most wonderufl being that ever crosesed my eyesight adn all ican thinik about si my pain and how much i feel like dying and how little i can take it. peopel have real problems. i'm so selfish. humanity. selfishness. god damn it.

    my fater called. we had a long talk about how he's doing better and he's sorry. but he's not. he's not sorry. were he sorrry, he would have stopped at one kid. but no. three, four, fivee of us. he beat us. he molested us. again and again and agian. and i would love to have a decent relationship with some of my siblings. for god's sake, i have nine. the one's ive seen, we don't want to see each other. the things my father made us do to eachother... the things. god. i can't handle it. i hate my father. i told myself i weould never hate anyone. if ucking told mysel.f that was a value of mine. that was a virtue. a virtue i never had. i'm not a good person.i hat myself so much and there's nothing i can do about itbut get rid of myself. i don't want to do all this whining. i feel so guilty for diong all this wining but i just don't feel well.

    it's useless now. it's useless.

    my PTSD has gotten the best of me. i keep having nightmarse of the rape. as if that isn't enough, the women in my family have to be oh-so dependant on relationships. my mother keeps subjecting herself to abuse. constantly. idont' want this for her. she shoudlst op diiinking. she should stop drinking now. she could be such a good person. but no. and i'm going to act just like her. an asshole. an alcoholic. a worthless, jobless loser, regardless of the potential i ahve. damn it.

    i went out with my friends today. i tried to hav fun. i loe mkaing them laugh. i love makgin epople laugh. i'm useless without that. i couldn't do it today though. i was jsut so quiet. so quiet.

    it's so cold.

    i miss my ex-boyfriend. i say i don't need him anymore. but i need him. he wantsour relationship bakc but i can't handel that right now. but i stil need him. maybe i'm just as dependent on men as my mother.

    i told my mother that. that she was too much of a whore. just not in those words. she got so pisse.d i dunno why i said that. i can usually hold my tongue. i wish mom would taktr her meds. my sister doesn't need to see any of this shit. she doesn't need to have it worse than i've had it. i love her too much for that. that is, if she lives that long. she's learnign to read now. i hope she stays alive long enough to learn to read me her favorite book.

    my sister keeps getting sicker and sicker. she's the only thing i got. the only thing. damn family to hell. all family to hell. damn them. there's nothign they ever wantesd but to make my life miserable. i was FORCED to be here so that my damn parents... fucking parents... could unload all their shit. i'm sick of having to get two jobs so that my mothed can keep the fuckign apartment rent up. we keep getting kicked out. she gets a rich boyfriend, we move in with him, they fight, he gets violent, mom gets violent, we get kicked out, we go to a hotel, we get move across country and get a new aprartment. its a neverending cycle over and over again. i hate the "over and over again" thing. it's so boring. i'm so bored and frustrated and i can't hold it all in anymore.

    damn grades. i'm doing worse in shcool, in life. idunno where the hell i'm going. i haven't eaten today. need the brain food, probably. i don't want to gain weightt. i don't..

    pondering life's philosophical questions. what kind of twisted hell is this?

    i thought i could take.

    i beat the shit out of soem kid today.

    i thought i wasn't angry. i thogut i was okay. apparentyl not.

    look, i'm sorry. i'm not asking for sympathy. i just needed to vent. and now i feel guilty for being the bitch that i am and telling all of this, causing gmore problem than i should, evoking more emotion in others than is necessary.

    sorry for typos, i was typing out of emotion, not sense. that's why it probably doesnt make sense.

    however, i feel just slightly better now.

    im sorry.

    sorry.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 12, 2006
  2. ALB_JRS

    ALB_JRS Guest

    Dis :O :O :O :O :O :O :O :O :O *hug


    it says grades?! you are a genius from what I've seen.
     
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Sweet Jesus Disc..what a plate full. :hug: :hug: :hug:

    Right hun. Knuckle down to those studies you're gonna need some money.
    As a victim of child abuse I can tell you now nothing is going to get better till you deal with the anger, disgust, self loathing and pain that this causes people..oh yeah I left out the wonderful dose of guilt that you end up living with. To deal with it you are going to need a good psychotherapist and they are costly.

    I had 4 years of psychotherapy and I never looked back. All those terrible feelings. Not saying that everything suddenly becomes hunky dory, in a way the damage is always there but it needn't be like it is at the moment. There really is life after abuse but you need the therapy to put it where it belongs.. IN THE PAST.
     
  4. The_Discarded

    The_Discarded Staff Alumni

    thnks, guys.

    and good advice, deva. i will well-consider it.
     
  5. blackfire

    blackfire Well-Known Member

    I feel what your title says. You are not alone my friend. Hang in there. We are in this cruel world together to make the best of it.
     
  6. kindtosnails

    kindtosnails Staff Alumni

    :hug: :hug:

    I'm sorry hun, not many words...I don't think you're selfish at all. You seem a really great person, I hope it gets easier for you, somehow. :hug: Hope to see you around soon, miss being old and silly lol :eek:ld:

    :hug: Stay strong :smile:
     
  7. blub

    blub Guest

    Damn rae :sad: :hug:
    You're a fantastic person
    And I'm sure you will never turn into your mom
    And I think its good you said that to your mom
    You're strong, smart, I cant find the good words for it :dry:
    But you're an amazing girl.
    And dont say sorry, no need to say sorry :hug:
    If you need to talk, I'm here for ya
    Not that I make a lot of sence or can give some advice
    But sometimes its nice to let it all out
    Take care hun :hug:
     
  8. The_Discarded

    The_Discarded Staff Alumni

    Thanks, guys. So much. :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

    It's a lot better now. I was just having one of those "days", I guess. I felt I'd explode.

    Things are slowly settling down again, though. We got a new apartment, just across town (not outside of it, for once), and we should be moving in pretty soon. Finals are almost over. Three more days.

    Other stuff is still the same, but the bulk of my emotions have calmed down.

    Haha. I just have those days.

    But, thanks again for the support, gangstas.

    Y'all whippersnappers is good people. Good people, I tell ya.

    :eek:ld:

    <33333333
     
  9. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Disc!!

    Ya be an amazing girl hun! when im feeling so low you allways manage to cheer me up in chat hehe and i love you for that. You have this spark about you, something i can't describe but its very unique and special, hold on to it, it makes you who you are and i and many others love who you are. We all care for you so much!

    whippersnappers!!! looooool

    You bring a smile to my face and everyones here, thank you. You've made such a positive impact since joining here :hug:

    *sending you CROMMING big hugs!* lol
     
  10. Come What(Ever) May

    Come What(Ever) May Well-Known Member

    Like blackfire said, really feeling the title. I don't feel as bad as you but I feel like I can't get anything right either. But a quote that I heard recently is too fucking true to ignore...."When a door slams into our face, we're too busy staring at the closed door to notice the one that just opened" I know I'm not perfect but I have my moments of bliss where I can see the silver lining and it's a great feeling. And get those grades up if anything happening now will affect you in the future it's you grades. You can do it :thumbup: . Hope things get better :hug:
     
  11. SuicideBoy

    SuicideBoy Well-Known Member

    You are still alive, let alone working, and studying. That says volumes about how strong you are as a person. You kicked some kid's ass? Maybe he deserved it :tongue: