I fucked up and lived

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by spud, Dec 1, 2006.

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  1. spud

    spud Member

    Well the title just about says it all. About four weeks ago took an OD and was really pissed off that I woke up in hospital.

    How I want to die, I am working on when I will next suceed. I know that this time I have to take a bloody lot more pills and will get some booze to go with it.

    Have already planned to do it on my wedding anniversary in Jan, that will fix the bastard and I will be FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!111
  2. NoRegrets

    NoRegrets Well-Known Member

    Please, hang on. I know it seems like the only way, and I've been there. But what will you be missing? Will you feel as though you are through when you reach the other side? Free yourself, by letting it out, sure.
    Talk it out. Keep living. We need you.

    I'm always here.
  3. NoRegrets

    NoRegrets Well-Known Member

    What has driven you to this point, if I may ask?
  4. spud

    spud Member

    I have it all worked out for the middle of January and cannot wait! I have mega stocks of the pills I took and this time I will not screw up, will go to a lovely secluded beach, with a bottle of booze and my stash and goodbye world, what a dream to live for. That final day is going to be absolute magic.

    I so want to die, there is nothing for me to live for and no one is going to find me in time this time.

    My life has been shit for too long and there is absolutely nothing left for me to live for. I don't want to live anymore and have no intention of going through the motions for any longer than necessary.

    My supposed case worker/counsellor I have told him I have no desire to talk to him or anyone else any more.

    Talking is crap, it never solves anything.

    I have tried and while I am in the situation I am in nothing will work, so for all around me the best thing is for me to just leave this earth.

    Personally I don't care if I go to hell, just to be dead will be reward for all the hard bloody years I have put in.
  5. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    I know things are hard for you. Why don't you go to the welcome thread and then after, post your story on current situation? So, others will know you.

    First, I do want to know how many bloody years have you put in??
    Your post has parts of impulsiveness, immaturity, not depression.
    If you are so positive, sure that you will do it now, why the hell post here? This is a pro-life forum. If you want encouragement, you will not find it here.

    I just wanted to tell you, I think you are wrong on 3 counts:
    1. you will not fix him by dying.
    2. your suicide will not make you free.
    3. it MAY turn out to be a big mistake of a decision.

    I am sorry you feel satisfaction by making a romantic aspect of your death.
    I do not agree. Many of us that are suicidal now have a empty hole/place in our souls. It is consumed with saddness and pain. Not an escape plan.
    Sorry if I am rude. Good luck to you.

  6. spud

    spud Member

    Well for starters I am 48yrs old, so NOT IMMATURE.

    Okay you made your point, goodbye
  7. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    People can live to 60 and still be immature, make mistakes.
    If you have endured, why give in now?? :sad:
  8. spud

    spud Member

    Believe me the ONE thing I have never been accused of is being IMMATURE and am rather insulted by that comment.

    You live in a marriage for nearly 21yrs where you go through episodes of emotional abuse, raise your kids single handed as HE is too busy. Never get anything BUT critisism and God forbid if I happen to have an afternoon out, I get that rubbed in my face forever, "how dare I enjoy anything".

    Look I live each day, work my butt off, my kids are grown and in their relationships. I am proud of what they have both achieved and they are doing well.

    I do not feel like living because to be honest I am too damned tired.

    People get over death, and that is just the plain honest truth.

    I have lost a LOT of people in my family and yep it hurts like hell but you live with it.

    I have also lost a lot in my health over the past twelve months just to add insult to injury.

    I wake up each morning and think, another day! That is of course after I have finally fallen asleep probably an hour before it is time to get up.

    I work on the land, I have three part time jobs, I have a husband who does nothing around the house but expects me to do everything he needs a hand with outside and then some.

    Yes my husband is a good worker, but he is a control freak, and guess what, I am tired of all the mind games.
  9. spud

    spud Member

    Oh yes I am on anti depressants for all the good they are doing. You say it sounds like a romantic thing, well the pain I am feeling sure as hell is NOT romantic, it is agony, BUT I refuse to cry, instead I slash my arms and let the physical pain take my mind off the mental pain.
  10. lostcat95

    lostcat95 Guest

    well I picked Christmas to be my last day
  11. Maja

    Maja Member

    Hey spud,

    I do not feel that you are immature at all and I think it makes sense that you are insulted by being called immature. That's not fair!

    It sounds like you are really going through a tough time and I am glad to see that you are reaching out for support. Sounds like you feel a great sense of hopelessness about your situation. Do you want to talk more about what specifically is going on in your life? Even though you have things planned out for yourself, the fact that you are posting on this site speaks to the fact that there is still a part of you that wants to be here and that doesn't want to act on your thoughts of suicide. It's natural to feel the way you are feeling and it's important to recongize that ambivalence you feel. What is it that made you post? What are the things that make you think twice about killing yourself? Perhaps if you can identify those things in your life that still give you hope, you can work to build on them.

    Take care of yourself!
  12. NoRegrets

    NoRegrets Well-Known Member

    I surely did not mean to cause you any pain with my posting. I wish you the best. You're in my thoughts.
  13. dips

    dips Active Member

    Hi Spud,
    Do you think that your suicide wil cause pain to the one who is giving you pain right now? And that is how you want to punish him?
    I too feel exactly the same. But I am not married to that person. and I am sure he is insensitive enough not to be effected. so I was thinking of writing a suicide note for him. So if not emotionally, atleast in social terms he will have problem. But then I didnt have guts to do it because I thought of my parents. who will be thrown in neverending state of unbearable agony because of my suicide.

    He has nicely settled with family andkids , properly in lines of his social norms beholding the pride of his family and here I am, suffering everday and my parents too in anguish as I am not married and everybody around knows that I have a problem .

    so what should i do not? neither can i kill myself nor can i punish him.

  14. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    I am sorry that you felt I insulted you. I did not mean you were immature, I meant your post/words. It is not like me to critize others feelings or words. :booboo:

    You sad "I have it all worked out for the middle of January and cannot wait! I have mega stocks of the pills I took and this time I will not screw up, will go to a lovely secluded beach, with a bottle of booze and my stash and goodbye world, what a dream to live for. That final day is going to be absolute magic.

    That (underlined) is what I thought seemed a bit romanticism for suicide. Obviously I was wrong. That was my plan at one time. Maybe I was trying to keep my mood up and reading your post triggered me. I probably should have said nothing. :shhh:

    I am sorry for your pain and fustrations. Please forget I said anything.
  15. spud

    spud Member

    I know I am not coping with a lot that is going on in my life and surrounds at present.

    Yes I would love to hurt and make my husband suffer the way that he continually makes me suffer. He ALWAYS finds a way of making anything that might be enjoyable for me a reason to argue and make out that I am nothing more than a selfish so and so and have no regard for anyone or what work he does blah blah blah.

    I do NOT have a social life, he has ensured that I do not go out and there is ALWAYS a reason he can find to STOP me. On the rare occassion that I HAVE done something I WANTED to do, well it really is not worth it, because he always throws it up at me that how dare I go and have a good time if he is working, so you see whatever I do I am damned.

    The mood I was in when I wrote that original post, I can only say YES I was thrilled at the prospect of dying and NOT FEELING. I am so sick to death of hurting and with the way he carries on he has me wondering about my sanity at times, twisting things this way and that to end up confusing the heck out of me.

    Yesterday I went out with MY daughter, (I always refer to the kids as mine as his input to their upbringing was only, and not belittling that, the breadwinner, he NEVER would look after them, that was NOT his role in life) so for the two days prior to us going out he treated me like absolute shit and argued about everything he could create. I could not even ask him if he wanted a drink without him finding a way of making it into an argument.

    I don't sleep, I don't eat, I feel like a zombie.

    TLA, yes I felt like coming through the computer and punching you:tongue: feeling the way I was I really did not need THAT sort of comment. BUT, I too have been guilty of opening my mouth to put my foot in it:rolleyes:
  16. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Have you tried marriage counseling? Maybe you should consider leaving your husband. Don't make your children and loved ones suffer for a sadness that might be greatly mitigated by a complete life makeover. Join a book club where you can meet new friends. Leave your husband and take half his shit. Your children will be there to support you and love you through this time. You deserve better, but you have to take it for yourself! Your husband won't treat you any better unless you demand it, and maybe not even then. You deserve love and happiness and if he refuses to change, then it is your responsibility to change your life for the better. Your children and loved ones will respect and love you for it and you will experience the freedom that you are vainly looking for in death. It may not be easy, but your life and your happiness are worth it. YOU are worth it.
  17. roses

    roses Member

    No one gets over suicide. My mom killed herself when I was 24.

    I think the best thing for you to do is to get yourself out of your situation. If you're contemplating suicide because of the way your partner treats you, just get out.

    You may not think that your children will hurt after a few years, that they'll get over it, but they won't.

    When someone you love kills themself, you blame yourself for the rest of your life. You get angry, sad - you hate yourself.

    No one ever gets over suicide. Please believe me.
  18. spud

    spud Member

    I am still hurting like I cannot begin to explain.

    The thing that IS stopping me at present is my kids. I love them dearly and would do anything for them, which is more than my husband would do.

    I too lost someone to suicide many many years ago, and yes you are right you never forget.

    I just don't feel I have the physical or mental strength to start afresh at present and neither to keep on going.

    I don't have anywhere that I can go, no family to speak of and because I have been kept isolated none of my friends or aquaintances have any idea of how I feel, I always put a good face on and hide the pain deep inside.

    I am trying at present to take it one day at a time, and sometimes one hour at a time.

    It hurts so much to even talk about things here. Do you understand when you just don't want to feel????????????
  19. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    How about when you CAN'T feel anymore cuz you hurt so?...I have felt that long ago and again recently. I am sorry you are feeling too much. Sorry that you hurt so deeply.

    If you are so isolated, this-SF- is one place that you can unburden yourself. Don't let yourself stay hurt, get it out if you can. I bottle a lot up cuz that was the safe way I learned. I found out a lot of SF members do that too. We all hurt inside.

    I still did not think I would be able to start over since my husband left me/divorced me. I have been in my apt 1 1/2 year now. I do not have any family support either. I feel bad about that. This is not the life I want now.
    It is not where I want to be, but I am learning. Everday is a struggle for me. You are not alone. Somehow, when you least expect it, someone can be a link to help for you.

    I guess if would be futile to ask if you can go to a church or a counselor?
    Does your daughters or sons know how you feel or how close to the edge you are? Can they help to understand the dynamics of the family?
    Can you go stay with a relative for a week or two to clear your head? What about the hospital as a last resort? I had funny- weird experience in the hospitals, but never bad...it is like a "vacation" (respite).

    Anyways, you are a valuable, worthy person and one reason I might guess that you don't feel good is that you have not been treated or respected as a that is worthy person in a positive non-threating way. That is wrong and you may feel powerless about changing things. Change is hard for most of us.

    Stay safe. :hug:
  20. roses

    roses Member

    Oh, spud, hun. Yes, I do understand when you say you don't want to feel again.

    If you don't feel like you've got anyone to talk to, you could try going to a self-help group, it might help.

    It sounds like you're suffering from clinical depression. I think you need to go to a hopsital and talk to someone. Even if you don't find someone you click with straight away, you WILL find someone that can help.

    It sounds like your situation is causing a lot of pain to you right now. Is there any way you can get away from this situation?

    You can get better - it will take time and effort, and you may need to take some medication, but you CAN get better. Please believe me. I know it feels right now that you can't get better, but please believe that you can.

    Good luck sweetheart x
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