I fucked up pretty bad

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by 3.141592654, Nov 14, 2012.

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  1. 3.141592654

    3.141592654 Well-Known Member

    Oh my god. I just cut across my cheeck a number of times. Didn't notice that it really went trough the skin untill I saw the blade was all red. Don't know how bad it really is, haven't dared to look in a mirror. Just know that I tissue I put up there really stuck to it.

    I have to go to work in like 5 hours. Like I said, I dont know how bad it is, but I am sure it is noticable. Nobody knows I started cutting again.

    I have no idea why I went for the cheek, already went for the foot, leg and arm earlier in the evening. I know the vodka bottle that was nearly full at the begining of the night is now half empty.

    Fuck, my skin just started "pulling" like crazy, I don't know how better to describe the feeling but I am sure you'll know it. Looks like I wont get any sleep tonight at all.

  2. 3.141592654

    3.141592654 Well-Known Member

    And just to show my complete incompetence, just now I accidentally cut myself again trying to clean the blade.
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    This is so sad...firstly, do you need medical attention now? Maybe being seen so that you do not have permanent scars would be a good idea...secondly, drinking clearly does not help...is there someone you can talk to about what you have started to do again? I used to SH and did so when I could not deal with what was going on, when I felt I had no voice...please know you are worth having someone there for you
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun make sure you clean the wound get someone to look at it ok you do not want a scar left on your face hun. antibiotic cream and scar reduction cream from pharmacy but get some
    help for you hun now before you harm yourself more. hugs
  5. 3.141592654

    3.141592654 Well-Known Member

    Writing this from work.

    It is really hard for me to talk about these things. I suppose that is the reason I went for the face; to show it to the world and force me to talk about it. That is the retarded roundabout way I do things.

    Most collegues ask me whether I fell of my bike. I usually reply ' yeah, something like that'. Most don't ask any further but one asked what I meant by that. I told him it is not work related and therefore none of his bussines.

    However, in a couple of hours I am going home and my parents won't accept such an answer. I am currently terrified. I am considering not comming home and just sleeping in the car. Both options will freak them out, but in one case I won't have to be present.
  6. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Would it not benefit to go home and ask your parents for help? When someone is falling, it is best to put your arm up and reach for a helping hand. Short term may feel bad, but long term is the goal.
  7. 3.141592654

    3.141592654 Well-Known Member

    Conversation with dad just made me cut some more. Me: 'Given what you have told me about people you hate, I qualify for those descriptions, therefore you hate me. When you claim you don't, you are either lying to me or to yourself.'
    Him (sincerely sounding): 'I don't hate you.'
    Me: 'The second option then.'

    I'm an asshole, I know.
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