I gave up on myself long ago

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Findown, Dec 13, 2015.

  1. Findown

    Findown New Member

    Today I realised how long ago it was that I gave up on myself. I have never committed to anything that would help me grow and thrive and take responsibility for my life. I am nearly 40 and I own a beat up old car and almost nothing else. I decided not to have children because I've barely been able to take care of myself my entire life, I haven't even been able to keep plants alive. I've always made the bare minimum to survive. I spend my days avoiding doing as much as I can. I have no desire to look after myself, nothing I'm passionate about, no picture of bliss, nothing in my life that elicits more than vague interest occasionally, I am in a relationship with a man who is emotionally abusive but I stay in it because it's better than being in my own company. I have been given notice to move out of my low-rent house in 2 months and I have no hope of finding anything I can afford. My car is falling apart and I can't get it fixed. My family is understandably tired of dealing with my depression for over 20 years. I have no hope for myself because all these years of self-neglect and constantly giving up on myself mean I have no resources, no strength, no love, no belief, no nothing.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hello there and welcome to the forum. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship, you need to get out of it NOW. I was in the relationship for more than 2 years until I confided in a therapist (and someone on here) about it and I made the decision, the best decision of my life, get out of it asap. You are worth more. Do you want to share more about the abusive relationship, because I can relate?

    I am so sorry you are going through hell right now but with the right supports in place you can get well again and we will be here to support you *hugs*
    3 people like this.
  3. Leon2

    Leon2 Active Member

    How can you feel good about yourself or anything when your with a man who is emotionally abusive to you and making you feel like sh-t, get rid of the low life, you sound a lot like me, I'm not passionate about anything, no interests, I've been on my own 12 years I wanted to die when my partner walked out on me, okay your cars on its last legs, you need a reason to get out of bed in a morning, I presume your not working! Get a volentery job, ok no pay but experience and helping People worse off than yourself, I think no one has ever given you any encouragement or support and help when you needed iti, nearly fourth you lucky bugger, you've still got your life in front of you, take control of your life, you've got a few rough weeks ahead but You can be stronger than you think, hope things work out for you, but it's better to be on your own than with someone who doesn't deserve your love and return it, get rid, you can always talk to me
    3 people like this.
  4. Findown

    Findown New Member

    Thanks so much for your reply Petal. I know I should get out of it. Constant criticism, belittling, false accusations, labeling, dishonesty and emotional unavailability becomes very draining and I sometimes can't even remember who I am underneath his warped perceptions of me. But I know that I have attracted him into my life to show me how I am treating myself exactly the same way - he is just a reflection and if I leave him the reflection may go away but it will pop up everywhere else...
    I've been okayish the last couple of days. I work for myself and have had a bit of work come in which has been keeping me busy. But a lifetime of self-neglect takes its toll every day in so many ways. I just don't feel like I will ever have enough energy or enthusiasm for my life to make the necessary changes and the future will just be a long road of the same nothingness, if I am lucky enough not to become destitute or ill or insane (possibilities that scare me often)
    For today and tomorrow I'm just going to try to get through and keep busy...
  5. Findown

    Findown New Member

    And thank you Leon2 - I appreciate your support :) Being strong and in control of my life have never been realities for me, hence the state of affairs. I haven't suffered severely from lack of support or encouragement, I've had a pretty trauma-free life so far so there's not really anything or anyone (even this man) to blame it on - it's all my own stuff - my own failure to rise to the occasion of life.
    Thank you for your kindness :)
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    You are welcome. You deserve someone that will treat you with respect and loyalty not being abused like this. It makes me so angry that someone thinks they can belittle someone else. How dare they!

    Yes keeping yourself busy should help you in the short term but for the long term you should be getting ready to depart from that relationship. It's abuse and neglect of one's feelings.

    Best of luck to you.